Where can I find a Buckaroo Banzai transcript?
The Buckaroo Banzai FAQ now archives, with permission, the very well done transcript of the film and workprint that can originally be found on the Strike Team Renegade web site (http://www.fortunecity.com/tattooine/gernsback/207/index.html).
There is a transcript of the film 'The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the Eighth Dimension' which was transcribed by Larry Doering and is the basis for the transcript below. The original transcription can be found here : http://kumo.swcp.com/synth/text/buckaroo_banzai_script.
This is a monster of a document (around 180K --- the final one will be even longer). Please be patient while it loads. The size of this document precludes efficient editing in place, hence there are no links here as they would soon become impossible to maintain.
This has been posted on the Buckaroo Banzai FAQ with permission. The Strike Team Renegade web site can be found at http://www.fortunecity.com/tattooine/gernsback/207/index.html.
The cast, in order of appearance:
| the voice of MISSION CONTROL | Kent Perkins |
| PROFESSOR HIKITA, a scientist | Robert Ito |
| MARINE LIEUTENANT | Radford Polinsky |
| GENERAL CATBURD | William Travis |
| PERFECT TOMMY, a Hong Kong Cavalier | Lewis Smith |
| RENO NEVADA, a Hong Kong Cavalier | Pepe Serna |
| BUCKAROO BANZAI, partical physicist, rock star, neurosurgeon, etc. |
Peter Weller |
| NEW JERSEY, another neurosurgeon | Jeff Goldblum |
| RAWHIDE, a Hong Kong Cavalier | Clancy Brown |
| SENATOR CUNNINGHAM | Mariclare Costello |
| SECRETARY OF DEFENSE | Matt Clark |
| DOCTOR EMILIO LIZARDO, a scientist LORD JOHN WHORFIN, an evil alien dictator |
John Lithgow |
| ANCHORWOMAN | Francine Lembi |
| HOSPITAL GUARD | Jonathan Banks |
| ARTIE DUNCAN, a New Jersey club manager | Leonard Gaines |
| PENNY PRIDDY, Buckaroo Banzai's ex-wife's identical twin |
Ellen Barkin |
| RADAR BLAZE 1 | Robert Gray |
| RADAR BLAZE 2 (ED) | Gary Bisig |
| JOHN BIGBOOTE, a Red Lectroid | Christopher Lloyd |
| JOHN O'CONNOR, a Red Lectroid | Vincent Schiavelli |
| JOHN GOMEZ, a Red Lectroid | Dan Hedaya |
| REPORTERS | Raye Burke Jane Maria Robins |
| BLACK LECTROID WING COMMANDER | Jessie Lawrence Ferguson |
| MOTORCYCLE EXHIBITOR | Reed Morgan |
| BUBBA, a duck hunter | James Keane |
| BURT, a duck hunter | Kenneth Imagee |
| JOHN PARKER, a Black Lectroid diplomat | Carl Lumbly |
| HIGHWAY PATROLMAN | John David Ashton |
| SCOOTER LINDLEY, a Junior Blue Blaze Irregular | Damon Hines |
| CASPER LINDLEY, Scooter's father | Bill Henderson |
| MRS. JOHNSON, Buckaroo's secretary | Laura Harrington |
| JOHN GANT, Black Lectroid thermopod pilot | Kevin Sullivan |
| BILLY TRAVERS, a Hong Kong Cavalier | Michael Santoro |
| PINKY CARRUTHERS, a Blue Blaze Irregular | Billy Vera |
| SAM, the jet car mechanic | uncredited |
| JOHN EMDALL, Black Lectroid leader | Rosalind Cash |
| PRESIDENT WIDMARK | Ronald Lacey |
| SMIRNOFF, the National Security Advisor | Yakov Smirnov |
| JOHN YAYA, a Red Lectroid | James Rosin |
| KOLODNY BROTHERS | Sam Minsky Robert Hummer |
| RUGSUCKER | Gerald Peterson |
Main document text is in a 12-pt. font; editorial comment appears in a blue 10-pt. font
-----------
Film leader appears, counting down, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3...
RAWHIDE (voiceover):
The following unedited footage has been declassified by the
Banzai Institute for Biomedical Enigineering and Strategic Information.
A picture appears on the screen, a pair of feet as shot from above.
RAWHIDE:
Nineteen fifty-five; the American Southwest. The United States
enters the rapid race to develop ever more sophisticated weapons,
resurrecting maverick professor Toichi Hikita's work in electromagnetic
particle acceleration despite the dismal record of failure that's dogged
the project since the late nineteen thirties.
The camera swings up unsteadily to show five people in an
arid, desertlike surrounding.
PROF. HIKITA, DRS. MASADO and SANDRA BANZAI, jetcar driver
GEORGE CAMPBELL,
and SIR GODWIN LLOYD-JONES. PROF. HIKITA leaves the group,
coming forward to take
the camera, and a young BUCKAROO BANZAI enters the frame, going
to join his parents.
RAWHIDE:
Dr. Masado Banzai, preeminent Japanese quantum theorist,
joins Professor Hikita and declares himself anxious to work for the
forces of freedom. Dr. Banzai sires a precocious son. Enamored of
the great American west, tags the tiny child Buckaroo, a tribute to
his adopted homeland.
The scene shifts to a picnic setting shaded from the desert
sun by large umbrella.
SANDRA BANZAI enters the scene carrying a cake. It is BUCKAROO
BANZAI's fifth
birthday.
RAWHIDE:
Dr. Sandra Banzai, Texas born pioneer in negative mass propulsion.
Wife of Masado Banzai.
Thus Buckaroo, though racially mixed, a boy like any other. Possessing
what all children most require; a pair of loving parents.
Another scene shift, this time to the preparations for the jetcar test.
RAWHIDE:
Given a second chance after his secret, pre-war laboratory disaster
at Princeton, Professor Hikita finds new life at the Texas School of
Mines assembling a team crack scientists willing to gamble he's right
in the daring assertion that man can indeed pass unharmed through
solid matter. Sir Godwin Lloyd-Jones of Cambridge, a brainy, affable
limey, co-developer with Whitehead and Lord Russell of the world's most
advanced theoretical gravity catapult, travels to Texas to join Masado
Banzai for the first test of a radically redesigned oscillation overthruster.
MASADO BANZAI and GEORGE CAMPBELL are in the jetcar doing
a final check. At the
control bunker, SANDRA BANZAI, talking to them via radio, realizes
something is wrong
and runs out to the now smoking jetcar, running into SIR GODWIN
LLOYD-JONES, who is
now operating the camera. Young BUCKAROO BANZAI follows but
is grabbed by PROF.
HIKITA and pulled back.
RAWHIDE:
A sudden, precipitous rise in cockpit temperature, later traced to a
crude incendiary device planted in the two man speed vehicle by none
other than Hanoi Xan.
PROF. HIKITA pulls BUCKAROO BANZAI and SIR GODWIN LLOYD-JONES
to safety behind
the sandbag bunker as the jetcar explodes, raining debris.
RAWHIDE:
Tragically, three lives are lost.
Scrolling title appears. (does not appear in Editor's Print)
Somewhere in the desert. Team Banzai is preparing BUCKAROO
BANZAI's jet car for a bold
assault on the dimensional barrier. The jet car, a highly
modified Ford pickup truck, is parked
near the launch grid. Shots of jet car, crew members running
around.
VOICE:
Launch control is having trouble verifying mass accelleration.
Team Banzai rotational supervisor, please confirm.
VOICE:
It's Reno.
VOICE:
I want an electromagnetic field reading from the launch pad.
VOICE:
Reno.
A limousine pulls away from in front of a concrete blockhouse. Inside, members of Team Banzai are going through various final checklists. A technician is seated at a control console.
MISSION CONTROL:
T minus seven zero and holding. Antigravity inertial reversal crosscheck.
VOICE:
Can we have a photographic printout brought into the bunker, please?
MISSION CONTROL:
T minus six zero three and holding, laser positive, latch compressors.
PROF. HIKITA is at another console.
PROF. HIKITA:
Multistage axial compressors... latched.
Fuel pressure eighteen hundred torrs.
Power source output zero, zero, niner. Oxygenation.
VOICE:
Commence <unintelligible> launch sequence. Clear the launch grid
Outside, the ground crew rolls the jet car into position.
A Marine officer walks into the blockhouse and talks to GENERAL CATBURD.
GENERAL CATBURD:
You're kidding. He's still at the hospital? ... Banzai hasn't showed
yet, Mr. Secretary. Looks like he's got cold feet.
PERFECT TOMMY and RENO NEVADA, two of the Hong Kong Cavaliers,
are sitting off to the
side. PERFECT TOMMY is reading a newspaper. He looks
up.
PERFECT TOMMY:
Well, better go see what's keepin' the boss, Reno.
RENO NEVADA:
Why me?
PERFECT TOMMY:
'Cause I'm busy.
Cut to a hospital operating room. BUCKAROO BANZAI and
NEW JERSEY, wearing scrubs, are
at the operating table.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
May I have the curved deoscibule, please?
NURSE'S VOICE:
It's not here, Dr. Banzai.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Uhhh... let me have the straight one then.
NEW JERSEY:
See, this is the part, where for me, it started to look like a
problem. You know, I wanted to sacrifice the procentral vein in
order to get some exposure, but because of this guy's normal
variation, I got excited, and all of a sudden I didn't know
whether I was looking at the procentral vein, or one of the
internal cerebral veins, or the vein of Galen, or the vasular
vein of Rosenthal. So, on my own, me, at this point, I was
ready to say that's it, let's get out.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
You can check your anatomy all you want, and even though there may
be normal variation, when you get right down to it, this far inside
the head it all looks the same.No, no, no, no, no. Don't tug on that. You never know what it might be
attached to.
Cut to desert, then to interior of blockhouse.
MISSION CONTROL:
This is control. O2 vents are closed. Looks good.
Cut to observer's gallery outside the operating room. RAWHIDE is dictating into a tape recorder.
RAWHIDE:
Dr. Banzai is using a laser to vaporize the pineal tumor without
damaging the quadrogeminal plate. Subcutaneous microphones are
gonna allow the patient to transmit verbal instructions to his
own brain.
PA VOICE:
Dr. Banzai's helicopter has arrived.
OBSERVER:
Like... "raise my left arm"?
RAWHIDE:
Or "throw the harpoon." People are gonna come from all over. This
boy's an Eskimo.
Operating room. BUCKAROO BANZAI and NEW JERSEY have completed the operation.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
You ever thought about joining me full-time?
NEW JERSEY:
What do you mean? You serious? Do you have an opening?
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Uh huh. Can you sing?
NEW JERSEY:
A little. Yeah. I can dance...
Cut to desert. Crew mills around while a helicopter lands
outside
the blockhouse.
VOICE:
Hey, it's Buckaroo.
VOICE:
We have Buckaroo descending. We have him on the launch stadium
perimeter.
Interior of blockhouse. The countdown continues.
PROF. HIKITA:
Inertial control positive. T minus five four five. Resume counting.
RAWHIDE walks in.
VOICE:
Hey hey, Rawhide!
VOICE:
Hold up!
RADAR BLAZE 2 (ED):
All systems righteous.
(the editor's print renders the previous line as RADAR BLAZE 2 (ED): We got him. All systems righteous.)
VOICE:
Hold up, hold Buckaroo's helicopter!
RADAR BLAZE 2 (ED):
Professor Hikita says we have a go.
Cut to outside. BUCKAROO BANZAI, wearing black coveralls
and hood and carrying a battered
leather briefcase, is walking towards the jet car.
VOICE:
We are go for launch.
Interior of blockhouse. GENERAL CATBURD, carrying cup
of coffee, walks over to SENATOR
CUNNINGHAM.
GENERAL CATBURD:
I'm teeing off in an hour and a half. What's this jalopy supposed
to do, anyway?
SENATOR CUNNINGHAM:
Five hundred miles an hour, General.
VOICE:
Are we getting ... a counterclockwise motion, over?
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:
Oh, Senator, you're so gullible.
Outside. BUCKAROO BANZAI climbs into jet car, crew member
shuts door, passes briefcase to
him through the open window.
VOICE:
Please clear the launch grid, please clear the launch grid.
Last-minute checks continue. BUCKAROO BANZAI settles
in, places briefcase on
the seat next to him. Cut to interior of the blockhouse.
MISSION CONTROL:
HB88, this is Control. Driver's door check secure.
VOICE:
... B, C, D...
VOICE:
Clear the area.
VOICE:
... E...
Outside, crew members in flameproof suits lug fuel hoses around.
In the cockpit of the jet car,
BUCKAROO BANZAI adjusts various controls.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Control, this is HB88, commander's voice check, over.
MISSION CONTROL:
Roger, HB88, read you ten two, out.
Shot of jet car's onboard computer display. An outline of the jet car appears.
COMPUTER VOICE:
...SINED...
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Control, HB88, event timer started, over.
BUCKAROO BANZAI removes overthruster from its padded case.
MISSION CONTROL:
HB88, this is Control. APU start is go. You are on your onboard
computer, over.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Roger, I copy.
Outside, a crew member puts air in one of the jet car's rear tires.
VOICE:
Altimeter set and cross-check. Compasses --
VOICE 2:
Cross-checked.
VOICE:
Reserve brake system two --
VOICE 2:
Ah, closed and guarded.
VOICE:
Gear handle --
VOICE 2:
Down and in.
In the cockpit, BUCKAROO BANZAI is pressing various buttons on the overthruster.
VOICE:
Engine start levers --
VOICE 2:
Free, closed, and off.
VOICE:
Number four electric hydraulic pump and press --
VOICE 2:
On, and checked.
VOICE:
Parking brake --
VOICE 2:
Set, and press checked.
VOICE:
Radios, radar, and transponder --
VOICE 2:
Set, and standby.
BUCKAROO BANZAI puts the overthruster into its gimbaled mount.
Indicator lights and the
computer display react. Electric motors whine, and the
overthruster
mount swivels back and
forth.
MISSION CONTROL:
HB88, this is Control. IMU alignment in progress. We show two
eight degrees, three six minutes, three zero point three two seconds
north by eight zero degrees, three six minutes, one four point eight
seconds west, over.
BUCKAROO BANZAI puts headband with Japanese characters on over his hood.
VOICE:
Synchro is aligned, out.
MISSION CONTROL:
HB88, this is Control. Ground crew secure, over.
Outside, crew members in flameproof suits give BUCKAROO BANZAI
thumbs-up and move
clear of the jet car. The car's jet engine begins to spool
up as BUCKAROO BANZAI dons
goggles and helmet and lowers the helmet's visor.
Quick cuts between the flame now shooting from jet car's exhaust
and crew members in the
blockhouse.
Interior of blockhouse. Countdown clock on the wall switches from 00:13 to 00:12.
VOICE:
INS RAM coordinates. Form One and fuel ticket?
VOICE:
On board. Circuit breakers?
PROF. HIKITA:
Point of no return. Five, four...
MISSION CONTROL:
We have main engine start.
PROF. HIKITA:
... three, two, one...
Outside, the jet car accelerates away from the launch grid.
Cut between exterior of jet car and
desert outside reflected in BUCKAROO BANZAI's helmet visor.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Electro-nuclear carburation seems fine.
In the blockhouse, SENATOR CUNNINGHAM is waving a hand-held sandlewood fan.
GENERAL CATBURD:
He's fast, I'll give Banzai that. But one heat-seeking missile
and he's history.
Quick cuts between desert, jet car cockpit, and computer display
with Mach meter rapidly
increasing from Mach 0.33 to 0.60.
MISSION CONTROL:
HB88, this is Control. APU start is go. You're on your onboard
computer, over.
MISSION CONTROL:
They are reading you on the localizer downrange. Looks good, over.
Interior of blockhouse. PROF. HIKITA is excited.
MISSION CONTROL:
HB88, this is Control. Read main engine output, over.
PROF. HIKITA:
Speed steady at three one seven nautical. Four hundred and accelerating!
Cut to jet car leaving trail of dust, then the cockpit.
VOICE:
Horizontal velocity is expanding, over.
The jet car is approaching the end of the course. Cut
to RAWHIDE, standing outside speaking
into a headset.
RAWHIDE:
Five, four, three...
VOICE:
Here he comes!
RAWHIDE:
... two, one...
The jet car swerves to the left suddenly and leaves the course.
VOICE:
Where's he going?
RAWHIDE:
Yeah ha ha!
Cut to shot from a helicopter pursuing the jet car.
CHASE 1:
He is off course. This is Chase One, over. He has broken trajectory.
The cockpit of the jet car begins to fill with smoke, and alarms go off.
VOICE:
...eight five zero cylinder. There is an immediate fire hazard, over.
Do you read?
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Roger.
In the blockhouse, the crew members react.
PROF HIKITA:
Do you read?
MISSION CONTROL:
Advise you abort, over. Repeat, advise you cancel phase two!
Cut to jet car's onboard computer display, with picture of jet car.
COMPUTER VOICE:
... SEELED ...
Back in the blockhouse, the SECRETARY OF DEFENSE whips off his sunglasses.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:
What the hell's Phase Two?
Jet car cockpit. BUCKAROO BANZAI retains his cool, though alarms are still sounding.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
That's a big no can do.
VOICE:
Buckaroo, are you decompressing, over?
Blockhouse. Crew members are panicking. PROF. HIKITA
calmly uncovers overthruster
indicator box by his control console.
COMPUTER VOICE:
... DELIVERED.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:
He's broken the sound barrier!!
MISSION CONTROL:
Mach 1.3. Buckaroo, do you read? Commence braking procedure, over.
PERFECT TOMMY:
Just be cool. She'll hold.
The jet car is racing across flat terrain towards distant mountains.
VOICE:
Axis (?) (This may be Access) negative. Pneumatic pressure negative.
We are looking at five hundred degrees.
CHASE 1:
We are in pursuit. He is gaining, over.
MISSION CONTROL:
Eject, Buckaroo! EJECT!
VOICE:
HB88, do you read? Do you read, over?
Quick cuts between exterior of jet car and cockpit. A
bright blue beam of light appears leading
from the jet car to the mountain. The overthruster makes
various beeping noises.
The side of the mountain rushes up, and BUCKAROO BANZAI breaks
through to the 8th
dimension.
In the blockhouse, GENERAL CATBURD pounds on a computer console
while PROF. HIKITA
calmly watches his overthruster status display, which now reads
"CROSSOVER".
VOICE:
Hotel Brava eight eight, do you read, over?
Do you read, over? (Brava, rather than bravo. Particularly audible on the director's print)
GENERAL CATBURD:
What is going on?
Helicopter shot of tire tracks ending at mountainside.
MISSION CONTROL:
This is Control.
CHASE 1:
This is Chase One. We got his tracks, they go right up to a wall
of rock! Holy shit!
8th dimension sequence continues. Lots of blue flashes
and rapidly moving electron
micrographs of radiolaria, protozoa etc. Something hits the jet
car and BUCKAROO BANZAI's
helmet comes off.
Cut to cliff. Blue beam bursts through, followed by the jet car.
BUCKAROO BANZAI begins braking procedure. Smoke thickens
in the cockpit, and he fans it
away with his hand.
Helicopter shot of the jet car decelerating.
CHASE 2:
This is Chase Two, Chase Two. We see him, we see him.
In the blockhouse, the SECRETARY OF DEFENSE looks surprised
as various crew members
cheer. PROF. HIKITA is ecstatic.
VOICE:
We have him.
Chase Two reports a visual, one hundred miles off course.
PROF. HIKITA:
Banzai!
Helicopter shot of jet car as a bright red drag chute deploys.
VOICE:
He's gone through it! He's gone through the mountain!
As the jet car slows to a stop, BUCKAROO BANZAI opens the driver's
side window and bails
out. He falls to the ground and rolls.
VOICE:
There is a minimal disturbance in the electro-magnetic field.
Gravity inertia is normal. Mass acceleration is normal. He is OK.
The vehicle is hot but we are showing no radioactivity, over.
BUCKAROO BANZAI picks himself up and strips off his hood.
The jet car has stopped, with
white smoke pouring from the cockpit.
MISSION CONTROL:
HB88, this is Control. We see you. Welcome home, over.
VOICE:
We show electrical field aberrations on the windshield,
we are getting a localized vibration off the drive train, and a
minor oil leak. Buckaroo, can you verify operational capability?
BUCKAROO BANZAI walks cautiously up to the jet car. He seems completely oblivious to the radio chatter, which doesn't especially perturb MISSION CONTROL.
MISSION CONTROL:
HB88, this is Control. We are reading an electrical field aberration
of nine, nine, three, on your windshield. Static and fracture. Can
you confirm, over?
Crackling noises and ominous music as BUCKAROO BANZAI scoops
up transparent slime from
the jet car's windshield.
MISSION CONTROL:
HB88, this is Control. Do you hear me, over? We are getting a
localized vibration on your driveshaft, can you verify, over?
BUCKAROO BANZAI crawls under the car to look at the driveshaft.
MISSION CONTROL:
HB88, the retrieval vehicles will rendezvous in ten minutes, over.
Under the car, BUCKAROO BANZAI pulls an alien lifeform off of the driveshaft.
Cut to DR. LIZARDO's room at the Trenton Home for the Criminally
Insane. Closeup of DR.
LIZARDO's face as he stares at his TV. Camera pulls back
to show his room, then cuts to the
TV. BUCKAROO BANZAI and the Hong Kong Cavaliers are being
interviewed.
ANCHORWOMAN:
There it is. Tire tracks, right up to a wall of rock. Perfect Tommy,
Rawhide, Reno, you guys are the Hong Kong Cavaliers. Buckaroo's most
trusted inner circle. Could you elaborate on that device, I believe,
dubbed, the oscillator...
PROF. HIKITA:
Oscillation overthruster.
Cut back to DR. LIZARDO.
DR. LIZARDO:
Hikita!
TV VOICE:
Thank you, Alison... How can I describe Buckaroo Banzai, ...
DR. LIZARDO:
Dat little Asian critter!
DR. LIZARDO rummages through the junk scattered around his
room. He pulls a bag out from
under his bed, and removes a peculiar device from it. He
straps the device to his wrist, clips a
wire from it to his earlobe, and attaches another wire ending
in a clamp to his tongue.
PA VOICE:
Tranquilizers are being dispensed to all patients between 10 and 11
a.m. Tuesday, Friday, and Wednesday.
TV VOICE:
...right in the horizon... Banzai blasting across the wide open spaces
of Texas, ... the sound barrier broken, and then the dimension barrier.
It was, Buckaroo Banzai said, exactly like Professor Hikita had glimpsed,
in 1938, through the overthruster he and Dr. Emilio Lizardo put
together from spare parts in a laboratory at Princeton. 1938.
Can you imagine what it must have been like then... then... then... then...
then... then... then...
DR. LIZARDO throws a switch on the device. A nimbus of
miniature lightning bolts surrounds
his head, and the scene fades...
...into a flashback to PROF. HIKITA and DR. LIZARDO's laboratory,
1938. A long track runs the
length of the room, ending at a wall. A sled-like vehicle
rests at the other end of the track. The
room contains lots of low-tech lab equipment with flashing neon
tubes, Jacob's Ladders, etc.,
all making various electrical buzzing and humming noises.
DR. LIZARDO and two assistants
are preparing the sled, while PROF. HIKITA works at the other
end of the track. DR. LIZARDO
pours shot glasses of liquor and passes them out to the assistants.
ASSISTANT:
Molto grazie, Dr. Lizardo.
PROF. HIKITA picks up megaphone, yells from the other end of the room.
PROF. HIKITA:
Almost ready, Dr. Lizardo. Almost.
ASSISTANT:
Electomagnets they are charging. <unintelligible> the wires.
DR. LIZARDO and the assistants raise glasses, drink a toast
to success. A massive relay
closes, and a bright blue beam of light shoots from the sled.
PROF. HIKITA is still making final
adjustments. DR. LIZARDO climbs onto the sled, settles into
the seat. He kisses a picture of
the Madonna and Child that is mounted on the instrument panel.
Meanwhile, PROF. HIKITA is absorbed in final checks.
He makes a chalk mark on the wall
where the blue beam hits. PROF. HIKITA looks back, sees
DR. LIZARDO is already on the sled.
PROF. HIKITA:
No, not yet.
PROF. HIKITA waves desperately at DR. LIZARDO.
PROF. HIKITA:
No!
Cut to sled. DR. LIZARDO crosses himself and puts leather
helmet on. PROF. HIKITA runs to
his control panel, hoping to stop DR. LIZARDO.
PROF. HIKITA:
No, not yet! Not yet! I'm not ready!
DR. LIZARDO ignores PROF. HIKITA, and slams a lever home.
Large spark as contacts close
and the sled begins to accelerate down the track. DR. LIZARDO
grins maniacally as the sled
picks up speed. It passes PROF. HIKITA, who looks alarmed.
PROF. HIKITA is holding
something - probably a crucial component of their primitive
overthruster
that was overlooked.
The sled approaches the wall at high speed. DR. LIZARDO
dives forward at the wall just before
impact. He penetrates halfway - his legs are visible, kicking
frantically.
ASSISTANT:
He did not go through the wall!
PROF. HIKITA looks into scope, sees blurry humanoid figures
struggling with LIZARDO's upper
body in the 8th dimension.
PROF. HIKITA:
Holy Toledo!
The two lab assistants run to the other end of the lab and
haul DR. LIZARDO out of the wall.
DR. LIZARDO is hunched over, clutching his head.
DR. LIZARDO:
Agghhh.... ughhh... ahh ahh ahhh....
DR. LIZARDO wrenches the helmet off and straightens up.
His hair is standing on end.
Something is clearly very wrong.
ASSISTANT:
<italian?>... Dotore?
PROF. HIKITA:
Emilio?
DR. LIZARDO:
Muhhhh?
DR. LIZARDO lets out an inhuman scream, grabs the two assistants,
and bashes their heads
together. They fall. He screams again, runs for a
fire exit, and flings the door open. He pauses
and glares back over his shoulder at PROF. HIKITA, then escapes.
Dissolve back to DR. LIZARDO's room. He shuts off the device.
TV VOICE:
Asked what he saw, asked where he went, Dr. Banzai
replied, "Vast chasms of hissing swamp, spurts of flame,
huge thunderclaps, and gurgling rock formations."
DR. LIZARDO has an idea. He scuttles over to the wall and takes some notes out of his pocket.
PA VOICE 2 :
Lithium is no longer available on credit.
DR. LIZARDO frenziedly scribbles equations on the wall with a crayon.
DR. LIZARDO:
G sub e... Jesu Christo! Make the ganglia twitch!...
We're home free... home... home is where you wear your hat!
I feel so break up, I wanna go home!
HOSPITAL GUARD enters. He is carrying a large box.
HOSPITAL GUARD:
Hello, Doc. Who are we today? Albert Einstein?
DR. LIZARDO:
Lord John Whorfin. If there's one thing I hate, it's to be
mistaken for some-a-body else.
HOSPITAL GUARD:
Aw, cheer up, Lizardo. It's Friday. 'Nother care package
from your yoyo friends.
HOSPITAL GUARD puts box down. DR. LIZARDO pulls crumpled
bills from a pocket and tips
him.
DR. LIZARDO:
Eyy, signore ... grazie.
HOSPITAL GUARD:
Thanks, Doc.
He begins to unplug the television.
HOSPITAL GUARD:
I've come for your TV - the thing uses too much juice. Another
ten thousand kilowatts again this month. Beats me how an old
homicidal loony can use that much power.
DR. LIZARDO has opened the box. It's full of junk food.
DR. LIZARDO:
Go on, take it. I don't need it. Tomorrow... I'm goin' home,
with my overthruster.
HOSPITAL GUARD:
Heh heh heh. That's terrific, Doc. Heh heh. I'll make sure you get an
early wake-up call. Heh heh heh.
He takes television and walks away.
DR. LIZARDO:
Laugh-a while you can, monkey-boy!
That evening, backstage at a club, somewhere in New Jersey.
The Hong Kong Cavaliers are
preparing to go onstage. PROF. HIKITA is with them.
PROF. HIKITA:
Buckaroo, I've done a spectographic analysis on the specimen you
pulled off the jet car driveshaft.
PERFECT TOMMY hands BUCKAROO the viewer.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Anyone we know, Tommy?
PERFECT TOMMY takes viewer, looks in. There's a picture of a topless woman.
PERFECT TOMMY:
(laughs nevously)
Who put this dirty picture in Buckaroo's viewer?
PROF. HIKITA:
I ran it through the centerfuge. It came up acidic.
RENO:
It's dead though, right?
PROF. HIKITA:
By whose standards?
PERFECT TOMMY:
Looks like a roly-poly to me.
RAWHIDE:
Pay the band. (?)
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Uh, Rawhide, you're keen on bugs, what do you think?
ARTIE DUNCAN, the manager of the club, enters. He is
wearing a fedora, plaid sportcoat, and
lavender tie.
ARTIE DUNCAN:
I don't care if you walked through a mountain in Texas. This is
New Jersey, and when you play my... when you play my joint, you're just
another act. I want some music outta you characters.
RENO NEVADA:
You want it, Artie? You got it.
Drums start as the Hong Kong Cavaliers take the stage.
Cheering, whistles, and applause from
the crowd.
PERFECT TOMMY:
Let's rock 'n' roll!
PA VOICE:
Ladies and gentlemen, Artie's Artery is proud to present, for
a single night only, the one, the only, the amazing
Buckaroo Banzai and the Hong Kong Cavaliers!
The crowd cheers. Horns join the drums. Various
shots of Hong Kong Cavaliers playing
instruments. The music rises to a crescendo, and BUCKAROO
BANZAI launches into a guitar
solo. Quick shots of people in the crowd dancing.
BUCKAROO BANZAI finishes guitar solo,
picks up a cornet, and plays another solo. BUCKAROO
BANZAI kicks a mike stand, which falls
into his hand. He is just about to sing when he suddenly
freezes. The band abruptly stops
playing.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
'Scuse me. Excuse me. Ah, is someone out there not having a
good time?
PINKY CARRUTHERS is standing in the foreground to BUCKAROO
BANZAI's right. He raises
his hand in response to the question. (This
shot is not in the HBO semi-letterboxed version.)
Cut to crowd. They are mystified.
CROWD:
Noooo! (assorted other yells)
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Is, ahh... is somebody... is somebody crying?... out there in the
darkness? Somebody crying?
PENNY PRIDDY is visible, sitting alone at a table.
PENNY PRIDDY:
(sobs)
Me... I'm sorry...
Long shot of stage. Crowd members are looking back at
PENNY PRIDDY, wondering what's
going on.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Ummm... could we get... could we get her a mike? And a spotlight?
Uh, Tommy, could we, uh, run her a mike? Could one of you run her a mike?
PERFECT TOMMY:
Are you serious?
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Yeah. Run her a mike.
(to PENNY PRIDDY)
What's your name?
PENNY PRIDDY:
Who cares?
The crowd is getting fed up with the delay.
DRUNK:
Right!
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
(sympathetically)
I care. What's your name?
Close up of PENNY PRIDDY. She is wearing a short pink
dress and blue gloves. Her makeup is
smeared. She has obviously been crying.
PENNY PRIDDY:
Penny.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Did you say "Peggy"?
PENNY PRIDDY:
Nooo...
(sobs)
My name's Penny. Penny Priddy...
Jeers from the crowd.
PENNY PRIDDY:
There, I said it.
But it doesn't matter, it's not important.
(She tries to smile.)
I just had... I just sponged up a little too much Vat 69, that's all.
(laughs, turns into sob)
I'm down to my last nickel in this lousy town. And they wouldn't
even take my luggage in hock.
(sobs)
And I lost my room at the Y this morning.
CROWD:
Ooooh! Wow! (etc)
PENNY PRIDDY:
(collects herself)
But it's cool.
CROWD:
Somebody get her a violin!
PENNY PRIDDY:
You know, it's like this jerk at the unemployment office said to me.
He said, little girl, as long as there's a sidewalk you'll always have
a job.
(crowd laughs)
He said it as a compliment!
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
(to crowd)
Hey, hey, hey, hey now. Don't be mean. We don't have to be mean.
'Cause, remember, no matter where you go..... there you are.
PENNY PRIDDY seems to cheer up slightly as BUCKAROO BANZAI
walks over to piano, sits
down, and begins to play.
VOICE IN CROWD:
He's gonna play the piano.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
I'm gonna sing this song for you, Peggy...
PENNY PRIDDY:
(her face crumples, and she sobs again)
No, Penny ....
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
... and anybody else out there who's lost someone.
PENNY PRIDDY:
Who cares?
PENNY PRIDDY picks up a pint bottle of whiskey, drinks.
Scattered applause from the crowd as BUCKAROO BANZAI starts to sing.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
I don't have plans or schemes
And I don't have hopes and dreams...
The song is not helping. PENNY PRIDDY is crying again.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
I... don't have anything...
RENO NEVADA:
This is weird.
RAWHIDE:
Sure is.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
...Since I don't have you...
Cut to PENNY PRIDDY, who is mouthing the words to the song.
The Hong Kong Cavaliers join
in, playing softly.
PERFECT TOMMY:
(to Pinky)
Who's the girl?
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
And I don't have fond desires
And I don't have happy hours...
Shot of couples in the crowd looking at each other lovingly.
Cut to PENNY PRIDDY, looking determined. She has pulled
a small automatic pistol from her
handbag and is bringing it up to her head. Her hand is trembling.
Cut to BUCKAROO BANZAI, still singing.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
And I... don't have anything...
Since...
Back to PENNY PRIDDY. She is staring at BUCKAROO BANZAI
while pointing the pistol at her
temple, steadying it with her other hand. She is about to
pull the trigger when a passing
WAITER bumps her arm. The gun fires into the ceiling.
Screams from the crowd. Cut to stage, where everybody
in the band is pulling guns and cocking
them. The drummer stands up and produces an Uzi from somewhere.
PENNY PRIDDY is frantically trying to hide her gun. Two BOUNCERS appear and grab her.
PENNY PRIDDY:
Let me go!
BOUNCER:
Get her out of here now. Let's go.
Band members aim guns at PENNY PRIDDY from the stage as she
struggles with the
BOUNCERS.
PENNY PRIDDY:
No! No! Let me...
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Wait! Wait a minute! Wait!
RAWHIDE:
Kill that spot! Kill it!
BOUNCER:
(to crowd)
Calm down. Calm down.
The Hong Kong Cavaliers rush BUCKAROO BANZAI offstage.
Several of them hang back to
cover the crowd with their guns.
PENNY can be heard as they're dragging her off:
Give me my purse! Give me my purse!
Next day. At the Trenton Home for the Criminally Insane,
the HOSPITAL GUARD is sitting at a
desk watching TV. DR. LIZARDO comes down the hall and reaches
for a wall-mounted
telephone. He is wearing a military greatcoat with medals
on the front, and dragging a large
suitcase.
HOSPITAL GUARD:
Where do you think you're going, Doc? The moon?
DR. LIZARDO:
No. Planet Ten.
DR. LIZARDO takes the phone off the hook.
HOSPITAL GUARD:
Oh, Planet Ten. Why, pray tell?
DR. LIZARDO:
(on phone)
Operator!
HOSPITAL GUARD:
Doc, put down the phone.
DR. LIZARDO:
Operator! I wanna make a call to Mr. John Bigbooty, at-a
Yoyodyne Propulsions-a Systems, over in Grover's Mill. And you
tell him that it's John Whorfin calling. That's W-H-O-R-F-I-N,
you got that, honey? John! J-O-H-N!
The HOSPITAL GUARD looks annoyed. He gets up.
HOSPITAL GUARD:
This better be collect, Doc.
DR. LIZARDO grabs the HOSPITAL GUARD by the neck and lifts
him off his feet. He twists the
HOSPITAL GUARD's head to the side. Snapping sound as his neck
breaks.
DR. LIZARDO:
Bigbooty!... Of course it's me, you fool, who do you think?
The time has come, Bigbooty. Prepare for my return!...
Well, haven't you heard? Don't you watch-a TV?
Electronic beeps are audible in the background.
DR. LIZARDO:
Banzai and Hikita have done it!
More beeps.
DR. LIZARDO:
They have opened the window!
DR. LIZARDO has dropped the HOSPITAL GUARD's corpse on the
floor, and is fishing through
his pockets looking for keys.
DR. LIZARDO:
Si. Si. Meet-a me at the factory. And get their overthruster!
And Hikita, too! Sure, alive...
No, no. Don't worry about me. I'll get my own ride.
DR. LIZARDO unlocks the door. Near it, an INMATE is playing
an arcade-style Buckaroo Banzai
video game, which is the source of the beeps and other sounds.
VIDEO GAME:
Green command base captured.
(beeps)
Evil will not prevail.
That was ...
DR. LIZARDO pauses, nods to the inmate, then sees the video
game. He rips something off the
front panel, and the game dies as sparks shower from the back.
DR. LIZARDO leaves.
DR. LIZARDO:
Arrivaderci, good bye, good bye to all...
(sings in Italian)
Exterior shot of BUCKAROO BANZAI's black and yellow double-decker
tour bus on the highway.
Cut to interior. PERFECT TOMMY is looking at a newspaper.
The headline "Mystery lady opens
fire - Buckaroo unhurt" is visible over a photo of PENNY
PRIDDY.
PERFECT TOMMY:
Spittin' image.
RENO NEVADA:
Doesn't look anything like her, to me.
PERFECT TOMMY:
Pictures don't lie.
RENO NEVADA:
Hell they don't... met my first wife that way.
PERFECT TOMMY:
It's Peggy to these eyes. It's the same nose, it's the same hair...
BUCKAROO BANZAI is kneeling on the floor, holding a samurai
sword. He bows to a small
shrine on the wall.
PERFECT TOMMY:
Plus, Buckaroo has to think so too, or else he wouldn't be
ready to make a fool of himself.
BUCKAROO BANZAI gets up, puts the sword in a rack on the wall. RAWHIDE enters. Comments from the communications center can be heard faintly in the background.
RAWHIDE:
Just hot off the World Watch Wire, Buckaroo. Thought you'd
wanna be notified. Remember that old Eyetalian pal of the
professor's?
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Emilio Lizardo.
RAWHIDE:
Yeah. Well, last night he kills a guard and breaks out of
the Trenton Home for the Criminally Insane. Ten minutes
later he cops a Maserati Bora?... Totalled it, a block away.
RENO NEVADA:
Holy moly.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
A Maserati Bora.
RAWHIDE:
Mm-hmm. That ain't all. He's vanished. Thin air.
PERFECT TOMMY:
Doctor Lizardo. Wasn't he on TV once?
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
You're thinking of Mr. Wizard.
RENO NEVADA:
This guy's a top scientist, dummkopf.
PERFECT TOMMY:
So was Mr. Wizard.
RAWHIDE:
Dr. Emilio Lizardo's a raving lunatic, Perfect Tommy. A
vicious psychopath. Just as soon kill you as go fishin'.
Exterior of bus, still speeding down the highway. Cut
to communications center inside. Two
RADAR BLAZES wearing headsets and Team Banzai jumpsuits are monitoring
banks of
electronic equipment.
RADAR BLAZE 1:
Buckaroo. Look at this.
RADAR BLAZE 2 (ED):
Looks like a normal high-altitude electrostatic disturbance
moving down over Connecticut.
RADAR BLAZE 1:
From the jet car, do you think?
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
No... Not from the jet car. Check with NORAD Command.
Could be above-ground atomic testing in China, maybe
sunspot activity... Man, that's strange.
Exterior of the New Brunswick Police Station. NEW JERSEY
is standing outside, wearing
flashy Western duds and a large white cowboy hat. He tunes
a portable radio sitting on top of a
pair of saddlebags.
RADIO:
Scientists at the Strategic Space Command have detected
a mysterious radioactive cloud-like mass over southern New
England. Senate sources close to the National Security
Consortium have refused to comment. Alright, let's get on
back to three great modern country hits in a row...
The bus pulls up. BUCKAROO BANZAI, RENO NEVADA, and PERFECT
TOMMY exit the bus
and walk up to NEW JERSEY.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Sidney.
NEW JERSEY:
Buckaroo!
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
How's the patient?
NEW JERSEY:
Oh, fine, he's doing fine, thanks to you. But more importantly,
congratulations! You drove through a mountain!
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
I did.
NEW JERSEY:
You drove right through a mountain the other day! You did it
right after you left me at the operation, you hadn't even said
anything about it, you didn't even mention that you were gonna
do it...
BUCKAROO BANZAI interrupts NEW JERSEY.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Uh, Sidney. Sidney, these are my friends... this is my colleague,
Dr. Sidney Zweibel, old medical friend from Columbia P & S.
RENO NEVADA:
Howdy.
NEW JERSEY:
How dee do.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Listen, Sidney, I'm glad you could make it, because it looks like
we may need an extra hand sooner than I thought.
NEW JERSEY:
Ah hah. I see. An extra hand. Yeah, that's what I was wondering
about. I got your message about rendezvousing at this address,
barely had time to pack my saddlebags, then I came here...
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Yeah, I can see that. Well, I'm gonna snoop around. Make
yourself at home.
BUCKAROO BANZAI enters the police station. NEW JERSEY turns to the others.
NEW JERSEY:
Okay. Ahh... you know, I thought we were gonna rehearse or
something. Uh... You know I'm a big fan of all you guys. I love the
comic books and the records... I know you, you're Pecos.
PERFECT TOMMY:
(offended)
Perfect Tommy.
NEW JERSEY:
Perfect Tommy... I'm sorry. You're... you're Pecos.
RENO NEVADA:
Pecos is in Tibet. Name's Reno.
NEW JERSEY:
Reno. It's an honor.
PERFECT TOMMY:
Where do ya hail from, Doc?
NEW JERSEY:
Ah, New Jersey. Fort Lee.
RENO NEVADA:
Where're your spurs at?
NEW JERSEY:
(to PERFECT TOMMY)
What, is he making fun of me?
Interior of the police station. A GUARD lets BUCKAROO BANZAI into the cellblock.
GUARD:
Third cell on the left. Pink dress.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Arigato.
BUCKAROO BANZAI walks over to PENNY PRIDDY's cell. She is lying on the bunk.
PENNY PRIDDY:
(angrily)
What do you want? Huh? What are you doing here?
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
What are you doing here?
PENNY PRIDDY:
Why don't you just go away and let me rot?
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Who were you really trying to annihilate last night?
PENNY PRIDDY:
You... just like the papers all say.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Come over here. C'mon.
Cut to PERFECT TOMMY walking down the cellblock. He flinches
as a hand reaches out from
one of the cells.
PRISONER:
Oh my Gawwwwd, Perfect Tommy!
PENNY PRIDDY moves up to the bars separating her from BUCKAROO
BANZAI. She is
breathing heavily.
PENNY PRIDDY:
What do you want from me?
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Oh... you remind me of someone I once knew, long ago.
PENNY PRIDDY:
Was she... very beautiful?
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
(wistfully)
She was... Queen of the Netherlands.
PENNY PRIDDY:
(smiling slightly)
That's a long way from where I come from.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Wyoming? Cody, Wyoming?
PENNY PRIDDY:
(surprised)
No... I'm from Laramie... Except that I was born in Cody. But nobody...
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
You have family? Back in Cody, I mean?
Quick shot of PERFECT TOMMY banging his head gently against
the wall as he realizes
BUCKAROO BANZAI has fallen for PENNY PRIDDY.
PENNY PRIDDY:
I don't know. See, I always felt that there was an.. another part of
me somewhere...
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Another part of you.
PENNY PRIDDY:
Somewhere, yeah. I ... I'm adopted.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Of course!
BUCKAROO BANZAI snaps his fingers and slaps the bars of the cell.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
If it was a snake, it'd have bit me! Another you...
PENNY PRIDDY:
Anything's possible...
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
(turning to PERFECT TOMMY)
Let her out.
PRISONER:
Heyyyy, me too.
PERFECT TOMMY:
Let her out??
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Yeah, let her out. I'll be responsible.
PERFECT TOMMY:
(astonished)
But she's a killer!
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Naw, she's not. And give her your coat.
PERFECT TOMMY:
Why me?
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Because you're perfect.
PERFECT TOMMY mulls this over. He has no choice but to agree.
PERFECT TOMMY:
Ah...
(smiles)
You have a point there.
The conference. A quick shot of JOHN BIGBOOTE stuffing his
pockets with packs of sugar from
a table with coffee pots set up. BUCKAROO BANZAI, with PENNY
PRIDDY and the rest of the
Hong Kong Cavaliers enter the conference room and make their
way to the stage.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
(whispering introductions)
Professor Toichi Hikita, Penny Priddy. Senator Margaret Cunningham from New Jersey.
As BUCKAROO sits down, PROF. HIKITA hands him some papers
PROF. HIKITA:
Lizardo.
PENNY PRIDDY looks around the gathering, mouth agape, then
realizes she's the only
one still standing. She sits down quickly.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
(to HIKITA)
Yes, uh...Reno's going to hang around, go with you for a couple
of days. Okay?
PROF. HIKITA:
Are you kidding? I can take care of myself.
Later. A hotel conference room. RENO NEVADA, PERFECT
TOMMY, the SECRETARY OF
DEFENSE, BUCKAROO BANZAI, PROF. HIKITA, NEW JERSEY, SENATOR CUNNINGHAM,
and PENNY PRIDDY (still wearing PERFECT TOMMY's jacket) are on
stage. JOHN
BIGBOOTE, JOHN O'CONNOR, and JOHN GOMEZ are in the audience.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:
I'd like to, ah... move this thing along. Perhaps some of you
noticed, we have a motorcycle convention rolling in here,
we're a little short of time. Besides, I don't imagine you came
here to listen to me talk.
The SECRETARY OF DEFENSE smiles. Nobody laughs at his little joke.
PERFECT TOMMY:
You're right.
Military officers in the audience snicker. The SECRETARY
OF DEFENSE angrily grabs
PERFECT TOMMY's mike and unplugs it as PERFECT TOMMY cracks up.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:
Without further ado, I'd like to, ah, introduce a young man who
yesterday took our notions of reality and turned them inside
out... Doctor, ah, Buckaroo Banzai. Perhaps you can explain
yourself.
The audience applauds. A WOMAN REPORTER ogles BUCKAROO
BANZAI as he stands up
to address the press conference.
WOMAN REPORTER:
Oooooh.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Mr. Secretary, Senator Cunningham, members of the world press...
Cut to exterior shot of the BLACK LECTROID command ship in
earth orbit. The BLACK
LECTROIDS are eavesdropping on BUCKAROO BANZAI's speech.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Thirty years ago, almost to this day, my mother and father,
Drs. Sandra and Masado Banzai, gave their lives for what
was then considered to be a very insane notion - the possibility
of contacting alien life.
Interior of BLACK LECTROID command ship. The WING COMMANDER
is seated, listening to
BUCKAROO BANZAI's speech on a speaker. CREW MEMBERS perform
mysterious tasks in
the background.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
However, not on another planet, but here. Maybe right
inside this table. Living on a simultaneous plane of
existence with our own.
Conference room.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Perhaps... within a mountain.
Quick shot of JOHN GOMEZ staring at BUCKAROO BANZAI and PROF. HIKITA.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
See this rock? It's solid matter, right? But in point of fact,
the solid parts of this rock, the neutrons, quarks, protons, and
electrons comprise only about one quadrillionth of its total
volume.
Cut to NEW JERSEY, sitting next to SENATOR CUNNINGHAM. He doesn't
realize his mike is
turned on.
NEW JERSEY:
(to SENATOR CUNNINGHAM)
How many zeros is that?
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Quite a few.
NEW JERSEY flinches, smiles guiltily, and covers the mike with his hand.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
The rest of this rock is actually only empty space. So, back in
1937, Professor Hikita here and Dr. Emilio Lizardo...
a reporter interrupts.
REPORTER:
Excuse me. Is that the same Lizardo that just...
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. The same old ugly snoot you
probably woke up to in today's paper. Anyway, Dr. Lizardo
and Professor Hikita...
...figured that if solid matter was mostly just empty space, then a
person should be able to discover a way to travel inside things.
PROF. HIKITA:
We at the Banzai Institute have at last found that way. We have
created a device called an "oscillation overthruster"...
PROF. HIKITA holds up overthruster, which makes beeping
noises.
JOHN O'CONNOR stares
intently at him from the audience.
PROF. HIKITA:
... which systematically reorders matter by, uh, annihilating
electrons, positrons...
Cut to PENNY PRIDDY. She has had a flash of insight.
PENNY PRIDDY:
Oh, oh, I get it! What you're saying is that oppositely charged
particles collide and blow each other up in a burst of energy.
Like a tiny Big Bang, like a... a... a... b-b-Baby Bang!
BUCKAROO BANZAI is impressed. The audience laughs
indulgently.
PENNY PRIDDY
suddenly realizes she's the center of attention.
PENNY PRIDDY:
Well, I'm, uh, probably just, uh, stating the very obvious.
(angrily, to herself)
Shut UP, Penny... shut UP...
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
No, no, it's not obvious at all. If it was obvious, everybody
would be doing it every day.
PENNY PRIDDY gives BUCKAROO BANZAI a worshipful look.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
See, by all accounts, it appears as though I literally went right
through a mountain. But you could take that mountain, and
pulverize it...
BUCKAROO BANZAI slams rock down on table.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
... and sift through it like breadcrumbs for the rest of your natural
life, and you would never, ever, find.... This.
BUCKAROO BANZAI pulls cover from a large beaker containing
the alien thing he pulled from
the jet car's driveshaft.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
And yet, this living organism came out of that mountain in Texas
with me, even though I was never inside that mountain!
PENNY PRIDDY:
No. You were inside the space that that mountain occupies.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Precisely correct. And you know what? A hundred million years
from now, that mountain in Texas may not even be there. But that
space will still be there.
RADAR BLAZE 2 (ED) comes in, walks up to BUCKAROO BANZAI.
RADAR BLAZE 2 (ED):
President's calling, Buckaroo.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
(distracted)
The president of what?
RADAR BLAZE 2 (ED):
The President of the United States.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Oh.
(gives rock to PERFECT TOMMY)
Here.
PERFECT TOMMY:
Later.
VOICE:
Dr. Banzai...
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
So. Where is he?
Is he still delerious?
BUCKAROO BANZAI and ED walk to the other side of the stage, towards the exit.
RADAR BLAZE 2 (ED):
Can't tell. It's real fuzzy. I patched him through to a pay phone
down the hall.
As they pass behind PENNY PRIDDY, the overthruster beeps again.
PENNY PRIDDY turns
around.
PENNY PRIDDY:
Uh, Buckaroo, you... you forgot your thruster.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Why don't you hold onto it for a while?
PENNY PRIDDY:
Oh... anytime.
PENNY PRIDDY gazes lustfully at BUCKAROO BANZAI as he leaves the room.
PROF. HIKITA:
Could we have the first slide please?
WOMAN REPORTER:
What about the Pentagon?
The SECRETARY OF DEFENSE is not paying attention. PERFECT
TOMMY taps him on the
shoulder and he turns back to his microphone.
WOMAN REPORTER:
The possibility of war in the 8th dimension, Mr. Secretary?
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:
What???
Cut to service corridor in the hotel. BUCKAROO BANZAI,
ED, and NEW JERSEY are walking
towards a phone booth. BUCKAROO BANZAI enters the booth
and picks up the phone.
RADAR BLAZE (ED):
It seemed like a strange connection even back in the bus.
(they mention something about the 'Elephant Bravo' code)
A Blue Blaze hands BUCKAROO BANZAI the phone.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Thanks, Judge.
Mr. President? Some kind of interference... Hello? Mr. President?
Mr. President?
On board the command ship, the WING COMMANDER is listening.
The BLACK LECTROIDS
have patched into the phone system.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Mr. President, hello? Hello, Mr. President?
Back to phone booth. BUCKAROO BANZAI hears nothing but weird noises on the phone.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
What's going on?
NEW JERSEY:
Maybe it's just a...a prankster? Some computer whiz kid?
RADAR BLAZE 2 (ED):
Not with Elephant Bravo.
NEW JERSEY:
Oh, Elephant Bravo...
RADAR BLAZE 2 (ED):
Not with an Alpha clearance.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Alpha clearance? Hello? Mr...
(to ED)
Look, Ed, go back to the bus, and reroute this call to the President's
private suite at Walter Reed Hospital.
RAWHIDE:
Yeah, make sure this is on the level. We're busy people here.
BUCKAROO BANZAI closes the door to the phone booth.
NEW JERSEY:
(to RAWHIDE)
Does the President call him a lot?
Cut to command ship. The WING COMMANDER presses a button.
Phone booth. A spark arcs between the phone handset and
BUCKAROO BANZAI's ear. He
grimaces in pain.
RAWHIDE slams the phone booth door open and grabs BUCKAROO
BANZAI. Sparks jump
between them and BUCKAROO BANZAI falls to the floor.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Ahhhhh! Let's go...pencil! Pen! Quick! Anything!
NEW JERSEY bends down to help BUCKAROO BANZAI.
RAWHIDE:
Don't touch him!
NEW JERSEY gets a shock when he touches BUCKAROO BANZAI, who
is now frantically
scribbling something on the palm of his hand.
NEW JERSEY:
What's he writing?
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Conference Room!
Cut to interior of command ship. WING COMMANDER is still eavesdropping.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Conference room! Let's go!
WING COMMANDER:
Launch thermopod.
A CREW MEMBER presses a button. Exterior shot of ship
as the thermopod separates from it
and descends towards Earth.
Conference room. BUCKAROO BANZAI appears at exit and stares at the audience.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
There they are.
VOICE:
Dr. Banzai?
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Don't you see them?
RAWHIDE:
Whaddaya mean? Who?
BUCKAROO BANZAI points accusingly at JOHN O'CONNOR and JOHN
GOMEZ. He can see
through their human disguises.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Evil! Pure and simple from the 8th dimension! Get them!
JOHN O'CONNOR and JOHN GOMEZ freeze for a second, then jump
up. BUCKAROO BANZAI
runs towards them. PERFECT TOMMY, on stage, pulls his gun and
jumps over table onto the
floor.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Lectroids! Get 'em!
Audience panics. JOHN BIGBOOTE appears onstage and grabs
PROF. HIKITA by the neck,
menacing the others with an Uzi. PENNY PRIDDY, behind him, takes
and hides the overthruster.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Lectroids!
JOHN BIGBOOTE:
Okay, wise guy!
JOHN BIGBOOTE shoots RENO NEVADA, who falls.
JOHN BIGBOOTE:
Let those gunbelts hit the floor! Nobody follows, or the Prof is history!
JOHN BIGBOOTE drags PROF. HIKITA off the stage. Nobody
can stop him, since he's holding
the Uzi to PROF. HIKITA's head.
NEW JERSEY and PENNY PRIDDY rush to help RENO. BUCKAROO
BANZAI follows the RED
LECTROIDS down the service corridor, out ramp to the street, where
motorcycles are being
unloaded from a truck. He sees them throw something into
the back of a van and speed away.
BUCKAROO BANZAI hesitates, then commandeers one of the motorcycles.
EXHIBITOR:
Hey, wait a minute! You can't ride that!
BUCKAROO BANZAI starts the motorcycle and pulls away in pursuit of the van.
EXHIBITOR:
It's Buckaroo Banzai!
Shots of van. Screeching tires, etc.
Service corridor. PERFECT TOMMY is looking for BUCKAROO
BANZAI. Suddenly RAWHIDE
appears around a corner. They point guns at each other.
PERFECT TOMMY:
Hold it!
RAWHIDE:
Freeze!
BUCKAROO BANZAI on motorcycle. He's lost the van.
He makes a wide circle in the middle of
the road, then continues on.
Somewhere out in the wilds of New Jersey. Two hunters,
BUBBA and BURT, are slogging
through the brush with a dog.
BUBBA:
Had my eyes open all day long, bro.
BURT:
It may not be a total loss.
BUBBA:
Well, I'm about ready to go home and do some grazing.
BURT:
We might see something.
BLACK LECTROID thermopod appears behind them, flies low
overhead.
They both fire at it with
shotguns. It weaves wildly, then dives into the trees some
distance away. The hunters set off
after it.
BUBBA:
I hit it! It... it's wounded!
BURT:
What'd it look like to you?
BUBBA:
Like a big black flyin' dinosaur.
BURT:
Dinosaur???
It was purple.
BUBBA:
That's what it looked like.
BURT:
It was purple.
BUBBA:
It was black.
BURT:
Well, it'll be dark before we even find it.
Yoyodyne van. JOHN BIGBOOTE is driving, and JOHN O'CONNOR is monitoring a radio.
JOHN BIGBOOTE:
We get Professor Hikita to cough up the crucial missing circuit,
and then we finally get our butts off this rock!
JOHN O'CONNOR:
Oh yeah? Listen to this!
JOHN GOMEZ is drinking fluid from a battery with a straw.
JOHN O'CONNOR:
Wh... What is it? What is it?
JOHN BIGBOOTE:
Black thermopod emergency beacon.
JOHN GOMEZ:
Here? On Earth? Why? John Bigboote, why?
JOHN BIGBOOTE:
John Whorfin. They must have heard he escaped. What's
the location? Give me a fix.
JOHN GOMEZ, misunderstanding, offers JOHN BIGBOOTE the battery he's drinking from.
JOHN BIGBOOTE:
No thanks, I'm driving.
JOHN O'CONNOR:
Stop! Electromagnetic energy, back on Route 3!
JOHN BIGBOOTE does a bootlegger's turn. Clouds of smoke
from the van's tires as it
accelerates in the opposite direction.
The van rounds a curve. Suddenly BUCKAROO BANZAI is in
front of them, on the motorcycle.
JOHN BIGBOOTE swerves and the van clips the back end of the motorcycle,
which careens off
the road into the woods. The van speeds away.
Back at the conference room, the others are bored waiting.
PENNY PRIDDY picks out the notes
of "Since I Don't Have You" on a piano. PERFECT TOMMY
is reading the paper. A policeman lifts the blue cloth and
peeks at the lifeform in the beaker.
It is now dark. The hunters are in a swamp. Their dog senses something and barks.
BURT:
The whole top of that tree's squashed.
BUBBA:
You think it's up there? Let's wait for the cops, Burt!
BURT:
What for? You scared? Gotta be something there.
BUBBA:
C'mon, Burt, there's nothing up there!
BURT:
Well, how do you know? Here, hold this. Hold this!
BURT hands BUBBA his shotgun.
BUBBA:
Where you going? Where you going???
BURT is searching the ground with his flashlight.
BURT:
Christmas shoppin'.
BUBBA:
What's that?
BURT:
It's a stick. What's it look like? Give me some light, willya?
BUBBA:
I got two guns in my hands.
BURT:
Put one of them down.
BUBBA:
I ain't puttin' the guns down!
BURT:
It's just a tree.
BUBBA:
Then leave it alone!
BURT pokes at the tree with his stick. Suddenly there's
a brilliant flash of light and a shower of
sparks.
BUBBA:
(screams) See? I told ya! I told ya! Leave it alone!
A huge spherical object falls out of the tree. The dog starts whining instead of barking.
BUBBA:
Run! Run! Run!
It rolls towards them as they back away. The dog starts barking again.
BURT:
Shoot it, Bubba! Shoot it!
BUBBA:
I can't! It's jammed! It's jammed!
The thermopod stops rolling and a hatch on top opens.
BURT:
There's something... there's something coming out!
BUBBA:
Where?
BURT:
Out of the top! Oh, my soul.
A dreadlocked BLACK LECTROID, wearing a plaid suit, emerges
from the hatch.
Sirens can be heard in the distance.
BURT:
Throw me my gun, Bubba. Throw it!
BUBBA throws the gun wildly. There is a splash as it lands in water some distance away.
BUBBA:
Sorry...
JOHN BALOOK is now standing on top of the thermopod.
Suddenly he loses his balance and
falls, striking his head on a rock. The sirens can be heard
winding down now.
BUBBA and BURT examine him.
BUBBA:
Is he dead?
BURT:
Yeah, I think so. Yeah. But look at his face! It's changing!
BUBBA:
And his hair... his hair's all disappearing. What's that
smell - you smell electricity?
In the foreground, a pink cake box on a string is being lowered from the top of the thermopod.
BURT:
He's crackling. And we're standing in water.
BUBBA:
What is it, Burt? Is he radioactive?
The cake box touches the ground. JOHN PARKER jumps from
the thermopod and lands next to
it. BURT and BUBBA don't notice.
BURT:
How the hell do I know? Do I look like a nuclear genius?
He's prob'ly from Mars. Or Jupiter.
JOHN PARKER sneaks away into the woods.
BUBBA:
Jupiter?! I hope he's alone. Burt, there's something over there.
BURT:
Where?
BUBBA:
Right there.
BURT cautiously picks up a comic book the first BLACK LECTROID dropped.
BUBBA:
What is it?
BURT:
Buckaroo Banzai. It's the latest issue.
Cut to BUCKAROO BANZAI, in the woods. He was apparently
knocked out in the motorcycle
crash and has just come to. He pulls out a walkie-talkie.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Rawhide, come in. Rawhide... Rawhide.
Cut to RAWHIDE, with another walkie-talkie.
RAWHIDE:
Buckaroo. What's up? Where in Hades are you? I'm ... I'm gettin' a
lot of static here.
Back to BUCKAROO BANZAI. He is somewhat out of breath.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Yeah... yeah. That's me. I've been ionized, but... ah, I'm OK now.
Listen, I'm, ah, switching on the homing beacon. Mark two minute
intervals... now.
RAWHIDE:
Look, uh... we've got the overthruster, but somebody shanghaied
the Professor right from the press conference.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Ohhh... the deuce you say.
RAWHIDE:
Who do you think?
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Dr. Lizardo, maybe?
RAWHIDE:
Yeah, I'd put money on it.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
That crate...
RAWHIDE:
What crate?
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
The crate they shipped in that van. You and the guys go back
to the house, and dig up everything you can on an outfit called
Yoyodyne Propulsion Systems. You got that?
RAWHIDE:
Right. Yoyodyne. We're on it.
Back in the swamp. A HIGHWAY PATROLMAN is dragging the
corpse of JOHN BALOOK out
of the water. Now that he's dead, he no longer looks human.
HIGHWAY PATROLMAN:
Hand me that tarp, willya? Let's cover this guy up.
BURT:
Guy? What guy?
BUBBA:
He's got paws.
The Yoyodyne van arrives.
BURT:
Now what?
BUBBA:
Who're they?
HIGHWAY PATROLMAN:
Cover it up.
The HIGHWAY PATROLMAN turns towards the van as JOHN BIGBOOTE,
JOHN O'CONNOR,
and JOHN GOMEZ walk up.
JOHN BIGBOOTE:
John Bigboote, Officer. Head of Operations, Yoyodyne Propulsion
Systems. That's one of our birds.
HIGHWAY PATROLMAN:
Yeah? That fellow over there one of your birds too?
JOHN BIGBOOTE:
The 'droid, you mean?
HIGHWAY PATROLMAN:
Doesn't look like anything I've seen before. I mean, I've seen
'droids in space movies...
JOHN O'CONNOR is standing next to BUBBA, lighting his pipe. He smiles strangely at BUBBA.
JOHN O'CONNOR:
Nice night, huh?
Shot of BUCKAROO BANZAI on motorcycle. Somehow, he has
found the crash site. Cut to
others standing around the body of JOHN BALOOK as BUCKAROO BANZAI
sneaks up to the
van.
BURT:
Tha...that big thing over there attacked me.
JOHN O'CONNOR: (ed. note: this was previously attributed to John Bigboote)
Impossible. No, no no no no no no.
BURT:
Yeah! It's some kind of creature! There's part of it, still
stuck in the tree.
BUBBA:
No, it ain't. It's a machine with thirty-foot leather wings,
and I think it's radioactive.
Commo center on BUCKAROO BANZAI's tour bus. Shot of computer
monitor displaying a map
of New Jersey. There is a flashing circle between East Brunswick
and Trenton indicating the
position of BUCKAROO BANZAI's homing beacon.
PERFECT TOMMY:
Three minutes since he last moved. This is a fix.
Something is happening.
RAWHIDE:
Awright. Well, let's get somebody over there.
Al, you set up the grid and get the last known coordinates.
Tommy, you help on the Marconi, and see if we got any Blue Blaze
within a ten-minute radius, but no strike teams, Tommy, understand?
All right, I'm headed downstairs. Keep everybody calm.
At the crash site.
JOHN GOMEZ:
It's a three man thermopod.
HIGHWAY PATROLMAN:
Thermo what?
JOHN BIGBOOTE:
Very TS. Top Secret. Right, John Gomez?
Interior of Yoyodyne van. BUCKAROO BANZAI is prying the lid off a crate with a crowbar.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Ah, Hikita-san.
PROF. HIKITA:
Buckaroo!
BUCKAROO BANZAI reaches for PROF. HIKITA to help him out of
the crate. An electric arc
jumps between them and BUCKAROO BANZAI falls backwards.
Commo center on bus. PERFECT TOMMY is working the radio.
PERFECT TOMMY:
Repeating. Intrastate outward band five. Coded.
Calling all Blue Blaze Irregulars in the Garden State.
Cut to SCOOTER LINDLEY in his bedroom. The walls are
covered with Buckaroo Banzai
posters. He is wearing a Junior Blue Blaze Irregular uniform.
PERFECT TOMMY:
Buckaroo in trouble. Will repeat coordinates.
SCOOTER LINDLEY picks up microphone.
SCOOTER LINDLEY:
This is Scooter Lindley, Junior Blue Blaze Irregular 41 and 1/2. Hang
on!
Exterior shot of CASPER LINDLEY's gas station. SCOOTER LINDLEY dashes out the door.
SCOOTER LINDLEY:
Dad! Dad! Buckaroo's in trouble!
CASPER LINDLEY:
Say what?!
Interior of van. PROF. HIKITA is still crouched in the crate.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Aliens from the 8th dimension... I'm seeing them now.
PROF. HIKITA:
You can see them now? Here?
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Here. The three jerks driving this van.
BUCKAROO BANZAI holds up his right hand, with formula written on it.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Look at this. What is this?
PROF. HIKITA:
(puzzled)
It... it's your hand, Buckaroo.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
No...no, no, it's a... formula, it's an antidote of some kind. Whoever
it was in that phony phone call from the President gave me
information. It's some... some electrochemical message that
allows me to see what they really are.
PROF. HIKITA:
What are they?
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Lectroids, from Planet Ten, by way of the 8th dimension.
Crash site. The HIGHWAY PATROLMAN gives JOHN GOMEZ his wallet back.
HIGHWAY PATROLMAN:
Mr. Gomez.
JOHN GOMEZ:
We've got a truck on the way to help mop things up.
HIGHWAY PATROLMAN:
(to JOHN O'CONNOR)
Identification?
JOHN GOMEZ:
This place's become a zoo, not to mention a haven for gawkers.
HIGHWAY PATROLMAN:
Now wait a minute. Just a second. Stay put, all of you.
JOHN BIGBOOTE is standing next to the thermopod.
JOHN BIGBOOTE:
Sure thing. We'll just go ahead and start breaking it down.
HIGHWAY PATROLMAN:
(angrily)
Don't touch it! I got my own help on the way. Now, that's
an order.
The HIGHWAY PATROLMAN walks away.
JOHN BIGBOOTE:
(to JOHN GOMEZ)
Go find something to crack it open.
Interior of van.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
There's a Harley in those bushes. I want you to get on it,
go back to the laboratory, and start working on this formula.
I want you to synthesize it.
BUCKAROO BANZAI starts to leave.
PROF. HIKITA:
Buckaroo! Give me the formula.
BUCKAROO BANZAI pauses, then licks his hand and presses it
against PROF. HIKITA's
forehead. Buzzing noise and a flash as the formula is stamped
on PROF. HIKITA's skin.
BUCKAROO BANZAI's house. MRS. JOHNSON is sitting at a
desk near the front door opening
mail. The doorbell rings. MRS. JOHNSON opens the door.
MRS. JOHNSON jumps, RENO
NEVADA catches her with one arm. His other arm is in a sling.
MRS. JOHNSON:
Oh, wow. Peggy!
RENO NEVADA:
She's not Peggy, Mrs. Johnson. Soit sage, mon amie.
(ed. note: the following translation of the French comes by way of ArcLight's
corrections & additions: Be cool, my friend.)
MRS. JOHNSON:
No... of course not. How could she be.
RAWHIDE:
Any word from Buckaroo?
MRS. JOHNSON:
No. I thought he was with you guys.
RAWHIDE:
Naw, he's not. Uh, Dr. Zweibel, Penny Priddy, this is Mrs. Johnson.
NEW JERSEY:
Nice to meet you. The fellows, uh, call me New Jersey.
They head upstairs. PENNY PRIDDY hesitates, then follows
them. MRS. JOHNSON intercepts
her and blocks her way.
PENNY PRIDDY:
Well, where are they all going?
MRS. JOHNSON:
Bunkhouse. Off limits.
Bunkhouse.
RAWHIDE, NEW JERSEY, and RENO walk into the room where BILLY
TRAVERS is at.
BILLY TRAVERS:
Hi fellas. Lay down some background vocals tonight?
RAWHIDE:
I wish life were so simple Billy.
RAWHIDE sets down his hat and takes off his vest. Grabs a clipboard.
RAWHIDE:
You remember that outfit the Justice Department was checking into
last year?
BILLY TRAVERS:
Which one?
RAWHIDE:
Yoyodyne Propulsion Systems.
BILLY TRAVERS:
(spelling out)
Y-O-Y-O-D-Y-N-E. The big space and weapons high tech
consortium. Way behind on the delivery of the new Truncheon
Bomber.
RAWHIDE and PERFECT TOMMY are looking at a comptuter monitor
another Blue Blaze,
JENO, is working on.
PERFECT TOMMY:
Don't be so laconic, Billy. Buckaroo's orders. Gotta break into their
databank and attack their system. You up to it?
BILLY TRAVERS:
I'm a little short handed tonight. My phone phreaks are in town at the
big ice cream social.
PERFECT TOMMY:
What does that mean?
NEW JERSEY:
So we'll help, let's get cracking.
BILLY TRAVERS:
Who are you?
NEW JERSEY:
Sid Zw...New Jersey.
NEW JERSEY offers his hand to BILLY. BILLY looks at RENO,
then shakes with NEW
JERSEY.
Crash site. BUCKAROO BANZAI is watching from behind a
nearby tree as JOHN GOMEZ
whacks the thermopod with a stick.
JOHN BIGBOOTE:
Again, John Gomez.
Interior of the thermopod. JOHN GANT watches the wall
shake as JOHN GOMEZ hits it. JOHN
GANT seems to have been injured in the crash.
JOHN BIGBOOTE:
John O'Connor, there's a crowbar in the truck.
JOHN O'CONNOR:
I'll get it.
Cut to command ship. They are in communication with the
thermopod. The sound of JOHN
GOMEZ pounding on the thermopod wall is audible.
WING COMMANDER:
Destroy yourself, John Gant.
Set detonator.
JOHN GANT:
Detonator set.
My most profuse apologies to my homeland and loved ones.
John Balook is dead. He fell on his head. But perhaps John
Parker will get through with our message to Buckaroo Banzai.
Exterior of thermopod. The HIGHWAY PATROLMAN has come back.
HIGHWAY PATROLMAN:
I said, BACK OFF! Now, damn it, I mean it!
JOHN BIGBOOTE punches the HIGHWAY PATROLMAN in the head. He falls.
BURT:
Hey!
JOHN GOMEZ elbows BURT in the stomach. He falls.
BUBBA:
Hey, leave him alone!
JOHN BIGBOOTE punches BUBBA.
BUBBA:
Ahhh!
JOHN O'CONNOR has crept up on BUCKAROO BANZAI from behind.
JOHN O'CONNOR grabs
his shoulder.
JOHN O'CONNOR:
Easy, friend. Ah, Buckaroo Banzai.
BUCKAROO BANZAI kicks JOHN O'CONNOR in the groin. He doubles over in pain.
JOHN O'CONNOR:
Ohhhhh... Hey! It's Buckaroo Banzai! Get him!
BUCKAROO BANZAI runs. JOHN BIGBOOTE and JOHN GOMEZ start after him. BUCKAROO BANZAI stops at a fence at the edge of a road. Behind him there is an explosion as the thermopod blows up.
JOHN BIGBOOTE:
Hustle up!
JOHN BIGBOOTE and JOHN GOMEZ are close behind. BUCKAROO BANZAI sees headlights of a truck approaching, flags it down, and suddenly realizes a RED LECTROID is driving.
Ominous music as BUCKAROO BANZAI flees from the truck.
Just as it is about to run him over,
a rope ladder appears from nowhere. BUCKAROO BANZAI grabs it and
is lifted into the air.
The truck skids to a stop.
Cut to shot of a helicopter climbing away as BUCKAROO BANZAI
hangs on the ladder. The
helo has a PA system.
SCOOTER LINDLEY:
Scooter and Casper Lindley, Blue Blaze Irregulars, at your
service, Buckaroo.
The helicopter flies away as the RED LECTROIDS look annoyed.
Outside the wall of BUCKAROO BANZAI's house. PROF. HIKITA
rides up to the gate on the
motorcycle. Two Buckaroo Banzai FANS are taking pictures
of each other and the house.
FEMALE FAN:
It is. It is Professor Hikita!
GUARD:
We're closing the gate. Please step back. Thank you.
Inside, PROF. HIKITA yells something to PINKY CARRUTHERS.
PINKY CARRUTHERS:
(into phone)
Prof just rolled in. Said he's on his way to the lab and do not disturb.
Cut to the bunkhouse. RENO NEVADA is on phone with PINKY.
RENO NEVADA:
Any sign of Buckaroo and that chopper?
Bunkhouse.
NEW JERSEY is playing a piano while BILLY TRAVERS and RAWHIDE
are at a computer
terminal, trying to log on to the Yoyodyne computer system.
RAWHIDE:
Gotta have something for him. Try a new cipher.
NEW JERSEY plays a final chord on the piano and stops. RAWHIDE looks over at him.
RAWHIDE:
Try a... G cipher.
BILLY TRAVERS:
G cipher.
(types)
There.
The login attempt succeeds.
RAWHIDE:
Ahhh. That's more like it.
BILLY TRAVERS:
Looks like we've accessed their restricted data file. Could be
highly revealing.
RENO NEVADA:
No sign of Buckaroo... but the professor just rode up, saying
something about space monsters and where's the overthruster,
went straight to the lab.
PERFECT TOMMY:
Space monsters, my ass.
Outside. The FANS are cuddling together under a blanket,
lying on the hood of their car. JOHN
PARKER rides up on a bicycle. He is wearing a metallic silver
sport jacket.
MALE FAN:
Hey, man, nice jacket.
JOHN PARKER goes up to gate, punches it several times.
MALE FAN:
What's in the big pink box?
PINKY CARRUTHERS sticks his head up over the top of the gate.
PINKY CARRUTHERS:
Hey. Buddy. May I help you?
JOHN PARKER:
'Ello! Buckaroo Banzai?
PINKY CARRUTHERS:
Are you a messenger? Whatcha got here?
PINKY CARRUTHERS reaches down and takes the cake box.
JOHN PARKER:
No, no, look! Wait a minute! I need see Buckaroo Banzai in person.
My name is John Parker. Identify yourself, na?
PINKY CARRUTHERS:
Blue Blaze Irregular, Pinky Carruthers. Sorry, John, everybody
"need see Buckaroo". Later.
PINKY CARRUTHERS disappears behind the gate.
Cut to bunkhouse. RAWHIDE hands the overthruster to JENO.
RAWHIDE:
Jeno, run this down to the Professor for me. Sounds like he's
gettin' a little nervous.
Shot of computer terminal displaying names from the Yoyodyne personnel database.
BILLY TRAVERS:
This is queer; look.
NEW JERSEY:
What's that? Whaddaya got?
BILLY TRAVERS:
All these people applied for Social Security cards in the same
town in New Jersey on the exact same date.
NEW JERSEY:
(thoughtfully)
New Jersey.
BILLY TRAVERS:
Forty-six Yoyodyne employees, Grover's Mills, New Jersey,
eleven one thirty-eight.
PERFECT TOMMY, at another terminal, has called up digitized
pictures of Yoyodyne
employees.
PERFECT TOMMY:
I got some pictures, boys.
RENO NEVADA:
It's like a practical joke! Check out these names. John Yaya,
John Parrot... John Bigbooty?
BILLY TRAVERS:
Maybe not. John Nolan, John O'Connor...
RENO NEVADA:
No way, Jose. John Small Berries?! It's a joke. Maybe that's
what, ah, Buckaroo was talking about when he said...
NEW JERSEY:
(thinking hard)
No, no, Reno, there are no ages and no places of birth. Uh...
Grover's Mill. Grover's Mill... nineteen thirty-eight... why
is that so... familiar?
PERFECT TOMMY:
They all have the same first name. John, John, John, John, John.
BILLY TRAVERS:
Somebody's playing games here. This is statistically impossible.
NEW JERSEY:
Nahhh... I don't know; wait a minute, wait a minute... uh, November 1, uh... October...
thirty days have September, April, June, and November, when short February's
done, all the rest have thirty-one. October 31st.
Halloween....
(snaps fingers)
Oh! Don't you get it? Orson Welles!
BILLY TRAVERS:
You mean the guy from the old wine commercials.
NEW JERSEY:
Halloween. 1938. "War of the Worlds." That fake radio news
broadcast that got everybody scared, thinking that real live
Martians... were landing in Grover's Mill.... New Jersey...
then it all just turned out to be a hoax.
PERFECT TOMMY:
So?
NEW JERSEY:
So... maybe, uh, uh, it wasn't a hoax. Or, I mean maybe it isn't a hoax.
Daylight. The Yoyodyne van stops outside the wall, some
distance from the gate. JOHN
PARKER is hiding in bushes across the street.
JOHN BIGBOOTE:
If we don't find that overthruster, John Whorfin will have us
for supper.
JOHN GOMEZ:
Who says the damn thing's even here?
The RED LECTROIDS look around, then jump to the top of the
wall and down on the other side.
JOHN PARKER stands up, crosses the street. The RED LECTROIDS
run off into a stand of
trees inside the compound. JOHN PARKER jumps over the wall, and
is cautiously following
them when he is jumped from behind by two BLUE BLAZE IRREGULARS
guarding the
compound. They knock him unconscious.
BLUE BLAZE 1:
Who is he?
BLUE BLAZE 2:
I dunno.
BUCKAROO BANZAI's garage. SAM is working under the jet
car. Suddenly a large water cooler
bottle rolls down the ramp and bangs into things. SAM gets
up.
SAM:
(annoyed)
All right, who's the wise guy?... I said, who's the wise guy?
JOHN BIGBOOTE pops up and spits something at SAM. The
impact throws SAM across the
garage.
Shot of CASPER LINDLEY's helicopter landing in the Banzai compound.
Back in the garage, JOHN BIGBOOTE tries to open the jet car's door.
JOHN BIGBOOTE:
It's locked.
He pokes around the jet car.
JOHN BIGBOOTE:
John O'Connor, smash the window.
JOHN O'CONNOR:
Why me, John Bigboote?
JOHN BIGBOOTE hands JOHN O'CONNOR a wrench.
JOHN BIGBOOTE:
It might be booby-trapped.
JOHN O'CONNOR:
Oh.
JOHN O'CONNOR smashes the jet car's window.
PROFESSOR HIKITA's lab.
PROFESSOR HIKITA:
Information. Somehow a lifeform based not on carbon...(?)
PROF. HIKITA looks in a handheld mirror at the formula on his forehead.
PROFESSOR HIKITA:
Beyond language but still knowledge.
Front hall. MRS. JOHNSON is at her desk. BUCKAROO BANZAI and the LINDLEYS burst in.
MRS. JOHNSON:
Buckaroo!
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Mrs. Johnson, this is Casper and Scooter Lindley. Is Hikita-san
here yet? Where's the overthruster? Where's Penny?
MRS. JOHNSON:
(gesturing with Tootsie Pop)
The Prof is in the, ah, lab with the overthruster. Penny's in
the right-wing guest room.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Great.
BUCKAROO takes MRS. JOHNSON's Tootsie Pop.
MRS. JOHNSON:
Everybody's safe and sound.
BUCKAROO BANZAI and the LINDLEYS head for the stairs.
They meet RENO NEVADA, NEW
JERSEY, and RAWHIDE coming down.
RENO NEVADA:
They're Lectroids, Buckaroo.
NEW JERSEY:
Planet Ten.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Planet Ten? How do you guys know that?
RAWHIDE:
It's all in the yellow record. Come on.
RENO NEVADA:
Heyyy, Casper Lindley!
CASPER LINDLEY:
Reno.
They go upstairs.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Yellow record?
PERFECT TOMMY:
However, they didn't come here on a non-stop flight. They blasted
through the 8th dimension in 1938, over in Grover's Mill.
NEW JERSEY:
Where there was a huge electrical dimensional accident, some
giant explosion, and they hypnotized Orson Welles into covering
it up, so first he says there's an invasion from Mars, but then
he says no no no, it's just a radio show hoax. Get it?
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
No.
RAWHIDE:
Let's go.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Orson Welles?? What about Yoyodyne? What about Dr. Lizardo?
NEW JERSEY:
That's what we're trying to tell you.
RENO NEVADA:
There's someone living inside him!
They go down the upstairs hall to the bunkhouse.
BILLY TRAVERS:
Here, y'all put these on. There's one in the box, and there's one over there...
BILLY TRAVERS distributes lectroid goggles. They all put them on.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
What's this?
BILLY TRAVERS:
It came with the record. It's like a 3-D type thing.
RENO NEVADA is preparing the BLACK LECTROID message device.
PINKY CARRUTHERS:
How was I supposed to know he came from outer space? This
Rasta guy pedals up to the front gate and delivers it all in a
pink cake box.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Why? What for?
NEW JERSEY:
We don't know. It wouldn't tell us. It wants to talk to
the head honcho.
RENO NEVADA:
Lights!
They turn the lights off. A column of light appears from
the device, and resolves into the image
of JOHN EMDALL, a dreadlocked woman in a silver uniform.
Even her face shimmers.
JOHN EMDALL:
Salutations, great Buckaroo Banzai. I am John Emdall, from
Planet Ten. A common grave danger confronts both our worlds.
After a bloody reign of terror...
MRS. JOHNSON enters. She squints, trying to see what's going on.
MRS. JOHNSON:
Hey, what is that?
RAWHIDE puts a pair of the goggles on MRS. JOHNSON.
JOHN EMDALL:
... the hated leader of our military caste, the self-proclaimed
Lord John Whorfin, a bloodthirsty butcher as evil as your Hitler...
MRS. JOHNSON:
Oh, wow...
JOHN EMDALL:
... was overthrown by freedom-loving forces, tried, and condemned,
along with several hundred of his followers, to spend eternity
in the formless void of the 8th dimension. Death was deemed...
RAWHIDE:
(to MRS. JOHNSON)
Did you tell Penny that Buckaroo was looking for her?
JOHN EMDALL:
... too good for their ilk.
MRS. JOHNSON:
I looked in her room, she wasn't there.
BILLY TRAVERS:
Who's Penny?
RAWHIDE:
Well, where is she?
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Will everybody please shut up so I can hear the rest of this thing?
JOHN EMDALL:
Now, you, Buckaroo Banzai, have unintentionally helped John
Whorfin with the success of your oscillation overthruster. For our
intelligence warns us that he intends to steal your overthruster. If he
should attempt this, we will have no choice but to disrupt world-wide
electronic communications, and fire a particle beam weapon from
your airspace to Smolensk, in the Union of the Soviet Socialist
Republics.
PERFECT TOMMY:
(alarmed)
That's an action the Kremlin would most certainly misinterpret
as an American first strike! They're already a little trigger-
happy as it is!
JOHN EMDALL:
Exactly, Perfect Tommy. The Soviets will retaliate, and you
President Widmark will launch a massive counterforce strike, and
and within twenty minutes, the danger to Planet 10 will be removed.
But, because we're good guys, we're giving you a chance to save
your planet.
Stop... John... Whorfin... before sun... set! If you fail, we
will be forced to help you destroy yourselves.
RAWHIDE:
I'll tell you, if it ain't one thing, it's another.
PINKY CARRUTHERS:
Lighten up.
JOHN EMDALL:
(sternly)...
End of discussion.
NEW JERSEY:
Discussion?! What discussion?
(ed. note: This line was added in the final version because JOHN EMDALL'S
reply to PERFECT TOMMY's trigger-happy line (see boldface above) was cut.
It does not appear in the director's print.)
The message ends and the image of JOHN EMDALL fades out.
CASPER LINDLEY:
She gotta be kiddin', right? Vaporize the whole damn planet?
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
You wanna roll those dice, Casper?
CASPER LINDLEY:
No... no-ho-ho, no, no. Not me, man. No way.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Gents... we're going to Yoyodyne.
Rawhide, see how Hikita-san's coming with that formula.
RAWHIDE:
Right.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Billy, tell Sam to prep the jet car for city driving.
PERFECT TOMMY:
What about a Blue Blaze strike team?
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Naw, we keep it intimate. Call the Kolodny brothers, call
the Rugsuckers.
PERFECT TOMMY:
Where're you going?
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
To get my guns.
PERFECT TOMMY:
(stunned)
His guns?
BUCKAROO BANZAI's bedroom. PENNY PRIDDY is hiding in
the bathroom. BUCKAROO
BANZAI pokes around, looking for his guns.
PENNY PRIDDY:
Okay, okay, I'm a girl. I won't deny it. I sneaked into
your bedroom, I invaded your privacy, I went through all
your personal belongings...
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
(frustrated)
<unintelligible> ... damn ammo...?
(Ed. note: this line is not completely audible in the final version, although
it's probably the same line that appears here in the director's print:
Where's my damn ammo?)
Ohhh... Mrs. Johnson! I can never find anything around here.
PENNY PRIDDY:
... I took a bath!
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Penny, what's your problem?
BUCKAROO BANZAI has found his guns. He pulls a holster from a cabinet.
PENNY PRIDDY:
Me! You! That picture! I'm going crazy... Who's that
girl, Buckaroo? What's going on around here? You drag me out
of jail, you... you're like Jerry Lewis, you give me hope to
carry on, but... then you leave me in the lurch while you strap
on your six-guns! What do you want from me, Buckaroo? Who am I?
(ed. note: Parts of this section of the movie vary significantly between the director's
working cut and the final film. The above appears only in the finished version; the
director's cut uses this version: Where did you get that picture of us? I mean
that can't...that can't really be me, right? Unless it was taken in the Eighth
Dimension. Was I there, Buckaroo? How'd I get there? Who is she? Who
am I? What am I doing here?)
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
As near as I can figure, you had an identical twin sister... and I
married her...
PENNY PRIDDY slowly opens the bathroom door and looks at BUCKAROO BANZAI.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
... but that's over now, and she's gone, and that's
about all there is really to say about that...
A laboratory. PROF. HIKITA and an ASSISTANT are bending over a large flask full of bubbling green liquid. PROF. HIKITA paces, deep in thought, while the ASSISTANT watches.
PROF. HIKITA:
Don't know what to expect here...It disagrees with all the standard pictures...
it's producing a magnetic force... No, no, I'm wrong!
Suddenly JOHN BIGBOOTE appears behind the ASSISTANT.
He throws him to the floor and
spits something at him. The ASSISTANT yelps. PROF. HIKITA
grabs the overthruster and
escapes.
BUCKAROO's bedroom. PENNY PRIDDY is holding the picture
of BUCKAROO
and PEGGY.
PENNY PRIDDY:
Where is she?
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
She's dead. Murdered. A present from Hanoi Xan.
PENNY PRIDDY:
Hanoi Xan? The boss of the World Crime League. The guy in your
comic books.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
(sighting down gunbarrel)
No, not the guy in the comic books. The guy out there.
Hall outside the lab. RAWHIDE is patrolling. He
spots JOHN BIGBOOTE leaving the lab and
chases him.
RAWHIDE:
Hey!
BUCKAROO BANZAI's bedroom. BUCKAROO BANZAI and PENNY
PRIDDY are gazing into
each other's eyes. PENNY PRIDDY slowly moves towards him.
PENNY PRIDDY:
Ohhhh, tell me I'm dreaming...
They are about to kiss when PENNY PRIDDY touches BUCKAROO BANZAI's
hand. There is a
bright blue spark as PENNY PRIDDY is shocked.
PENNY PRIDDY:
OWWW!
She shakes her hand, obviously in pain.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I got...
PERFECT TOMMY bursts in on them.
PERFECT TOMMY:
Buckaroo! Sorry... Sam's dead.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Sam?
PERFECT TOMMY:
Someone broke into the jet car. Things are going haywire
over at the lab.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
(to PENNY)
Wait here, I'll be right back.
PENNY PRIDDY:
Uh...
In the lab. BUCKAROO BANZAI bends down over the body of the ASSISTANT.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Oh, boy...
BUCKAROO BANZAI pulls a gooey spider-like thing off the ASSISTANT's neck.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
He's dead.
Spread out. They can't be very far off.
They rush into the hall.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Okay, Tommy, check the biomedical labs. Reno, you take the physics
wing. Jersey, go with Reno.
NEW JERSEY:
Where're you going?
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Engineering.
They separate. As PERFECT TOMMY and NEW JERSEY move off,
NEW JERSEY is pointing
his gun at the ceiling.
PERFECT TOMMY:
Cowboy!
NEW JERSEY:
What?
PERFECT TOMMY:
Hold your gun in front of you, man.
NEW JERSEY:
Oh, I see... okay. It's... okay.
BUCKAROO BANZAI goes down a corridor. An alarm is
sounding.
He passes a file cabinet
with one drawer open and the files inside burning. BUCKAROO BANZAI
enters a room,
discovers RAWHIDE struggling with JOHN BIGBOOTE.
RAWHIDE:
Buckaroo, behind you!
BUCKAROO BANZAI shoots at JOHN BIGBOOTE, misses. JOHN BIGBOOTE spits at RAWHIDE and escapes through a "window", which turns out to be the opening of a large vent. BUCKAROO BANZAI grabs RAWHIDE, eases him to the floor.
RAWHIDE:
(in pain)
Ooooh....
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
You... you okay?
RAWHIDE:
(with difficulty)
Yeah... yeah, just... let me catch my breath... the Professor went down...
into the purification vent. He's got the overthruster...
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Great.
BUCKAROO BANZAI exits through the vent.
Meanwhile, NEW JERSEY and RENO NEVADA are searching another
lab. They pass racks of
equipment, including a large watermelon clamped into some sort
of apparatus.
NEW JERSEY:
Why is there a watermelon there?
RENO NEVADA:
I'll tell you later.
Shots of BUCKAROO BANZAI cautiously searching dimly-lit corridors
and PROF. HIKITA down
in the basement, searching for a way out.
Cut to PENNY PRIDDY descending stairs to the basement.
PENNY PRIDDY:
Buckaroo? Rawhide? Anybody?...
Shot of JOHN BIGBOOTE in basement, looking for PROF. HIKITA.
PENNY PRIDDY enters a room. There is a barrier down the
center. PROF. HIKITA is on the
other side, trying to unlock a gate in the barrier. PENNY PRIDDY
gasps in surprise when she
sees PROF. HIKITA.
PROF. HIKITA:
Here, young lady. The overthruster...
JOHN BIGBOOTE is outside the room. He begins to pound
on the door on PROF. HIKITA's
side. PROF. HIKITA takes the overthruster out of its case
and slides it under the barrier to
PENNY PRIDDY.
PROF. HIKITA:
Here, put this in your purse.
Get out of here.
JOHN BIGBOOTE breaks the door open. PENNY PRIDDY takes
the overthruster and runs.
PROF. HIKITA is trapped against the barrier.
PROF. HIKITA:
Nooo!
JOHN BIGBOOTE grabs him.
JOHN BIGBOOTE:
Where's your overthruster, little man?
BUCKAROO BANZAI appears at the end of the hall.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Hikita-san!
BUCKAROO BANZAI shoots at JOHN BIGBOOTE, misses, and drops
to the floor. JOHN
BIGBOOTE spits at BUCKAROO BANZAI, likewise misses, turns, and
runs.
PENNY PRIDDY rounds a corner at the bottom of the basement
stairs and runs into JOHN
O'CONNOR. He smiles strangely.
JOHN O'CONNOR:
Nice morning, huh?
PENNY PRIDDY gulps.
BUCKAROO BANZAI and PROF. HIKITA chase JOHN BIGBOOTE, but are
blocked by a metal
door. JOHN BIGBOOTE has torn a small hole in the door and
escaped.
Back in the lab where RAWHIDE was hit, PERFECT TOMMY and NEW
JERSEY are trying to
help him.
RAWHIDE:
It's just like my legs are asleep, know what I'm saying?
PERFECT TOMMY:
What the hell is wrong with him?
NEW JERSEY:
I dunno. I dunno.
(to RAWHIDE)
Are you cold?
BUCKAROO BANZAI and PROF. HIKITA enter.
RAWHIDE:
It's my spine...
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
(to RAWHIDE)
What're you still doing on this floor, pal?
RAWHIDE:
Well, I think it's 'cause I can't move my legs.
(ed. note: the following line appeared in the Director's
print instead: Well look who's here everybody. Let's have a party.)
NEW JERSEY examines RAWHIDE, pulls something off his back.
RAWHIDE:
Ooooh! Damn.
NEW JERSEY:
Hang on.
RAWHIDE:
What is it? Apache?
NEW JERSEY:
Arachtoid.
RAWHIDE:
Well, spiders... so I was right, huh?
PINKY CARRUTHERS enters, escorting JOHN PARKER.
PINKY CARRUTHERS:
We got the guy, Rawhide. Saw him in the hall, and...
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
(to JOHN PARKER)
Any antidote for these things?
JOHN PARKER:
Nooo, not at all.
JOHN PARKER squashes the spider-thing on the floor. It was metallic when he put it down there, but now that it's dead, it looks much more like an organic spider.
PERFECT TOMMY:
So, that mean you're on our side?
JOHN PARKER:
That's right.
RAWHIDE:
Ohhhh... oh, man... those things pack a mean wallop, uh?...
RAWHIDE looks around. He is fading fast.
RAWHIDE:
What're y'all lookin' at?... You're on the clock, saddle up, huh?
RAWHIDE's eyes close and he dies.
Sound of a helicopter taking off outside. They run to the window.
CASPER LINDLEY:
Hey, man, they're stealin' my helicopter!
RENO NEVADA:
They've got Penny!
PROF. HIKITA:
She... she has the overthruster!
JOHN PARKER:
Then your planet is doomed.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
This globe is just beginning.
We'll get it back! We'll get it back.
Later, in PRESIDENT WIDMARK's hospital room. PRESIDENT
WIDMARK is strapped into a
bed with a rotating frame, surrounded by medical equipment. If
he looked forward without tilting
his head any, he'd have a great view of the floor.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:
It's... it's not Buckaroo Banzai per se, Mr. President.
It's his men. Foreigners, some of them! Oh, their names have
been changed. Their true backgrounds are shrouded in secrecy!
Now, all I'm saying is that this jet car belongs in the hands
of Defense. I mean, uh... if the Banzai Institute doesn't want
to sell it to us, then we're gonna have to take it from them!
In, uh, the national interest, of course.
Somebody knocks on the door.
PRESIDENT WIDMARK:
Come in.
SMIRNOFF:
Excuse me, Mr. President. World Watch One, direct incoming
transmission.
PA VOICE:
Dr. Melch, Dr. Ashley Melch ...
PRESIDENT WIDMARK:
Yeah.
SMIRNOFF wheels a videophone into the room, turns it on.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Hello, Mr. President. I know your back is killing you,
but, uh, I have a developing situation here and I must speak frankly.
PRESIDENT WIDMARK:
Buckaroo, ahh.... Secretary of Defense McKinley and my National
Security Advisor Smirnoff are... visiting me, but, uh, I have no secrets
from them.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Well, something has reared its ugly head in outer space, Mr.
President, and it looks like the Earth is caught in a crossfire.
We have reason to believe that there are vicious red aliens
walking freely among us, posing as the owners and operators
of Yoyodyne Propulsion Systems.
PRESIDENT WIDMARK:
Ahh... Yoyodyne Propulsion, ahh... the people working on
our Truncheon bomber?
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:
(shocked)
In the hands of foreign nationals you say?!?
JOHN PARKER appears next to BUCKAROO BANZAI on the screen.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
No, not exactly Mr Secretary. Ah...Red Lectroids from Planet 10, led
by Lord John Whorfin, camoflaged as human beings. And what they're
building I mean...forget the Truncheon Bomber...What they're building...
PERFECT TOMMY walks past, between BUCKAROO and the camera. He isn't even paying attention to its existance. (ed. note: not his videocall, one presumes...)
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
What they're building is an enormous...
JOHN PARKER:
Excuse me, Mr. President. Time is short. In order to prevent
John Whorfin's escape, my comrades are at this very moment takin' up
a geostationary position over New Jersey. De situation is explosif!
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:
What the hell is that?
PRESIDENT WIDMARK:
Explosive? What are you saying, man? Some kind of race war
in New Jersey?
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
No, Mr. President, no. This... this man, as you call him,
is not a human being at all, but is in fact a black lectroid,
named John Parker, from the very same Planet Ten, and his
spaceship is at this moment anchored above Yoyodyne.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:
Yoyodyne!....
PRESIDENT WIDMARK:
Buckaroo... my good friend...
JOHN PARKER:
I have delivered a message from my own chief executive, John
Emdall. And she has made it very clear, that unless John
Whorfin is destroyed before sunset, she intends to fire an
atomic beam from American airspace, hit Smolensk, and...
PRESIDENT WIDMARK:
Buckaroo, you're quite serious aren't you? I mean you and I...
Cut to commo center on the bus. NJ is looking into a
microscope. His voice can be heard on
the videophone.
NEW JERSEY:
That's it! These red creatures, they somehow give off the
bacteria, we breath it, it swims up our nose... into our cerebral
cortex, where it literally talks to our brain cells, tells
us to see exactly what they want us to see.
PROF. HIKITA:
Electric brainwashing.
Back to hospital room. The PRESIDENT WIDMARK looks mystified.
NEW JERSEY:
... Diabolical. They get us so confused, they...
PRESIDENT WIDMARK:
Buckaroo... I, uh... I don't know what to say. Lectroids?
Planet Ten? Nuclear? Extortion? A girl named John?
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:
Just out of curiousity, Buckaroo, where's the jetcar these days?
PERFECT TOMMY:
Buckaroo! Lectroid Wing Commander.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Excuse me, Mr. President. I'm gonna have to go talk to the hornets' nest.
JOHN PARKER waves to the PRESIDENT. The transmission ends.
PRESIDENT WIDMARK:
Good God.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:
Well, if it wasn't Buckaroo Banzai, I'd say commit the man.
PRESIDENT WIDMARK:
Get me SAC Headquarters, Omaha, NORAD, and the Strategic Space
Command. I want some hard data on that cloud. John! Get out in the
field. Stick your beak into this one!
Commo center on the bus. PERFECT TOMMY is staring at
a monitor, which is
displaying a picture of the BLACK LECTROID command ship.
PERFECT TOMMY:
What's this thing made of?
RENO NEVADA:
Cobalt, and electricity! They're armed for bear, Buckaroo.
A telephone rings.
PERFECT TOMMY:
World Watch One... Buckaroo! It's Whorfin.
BUCKAROO BANZAI turns the speakerphone on so everyone can hear.
DR. LIZARDO:
Buckaroo Banzai...
Cut to Yoyodyne. DR. LIZARDO is on the phone. Various
RED LECTROIDS are working behind
him.
DR. LIZARDO:
Ehh... yes, this is, eh... Emilio Lizardo. Maybe you don't-a
remember me. ... Ah. I'm flattered. Ehhh... we know the
same people!
Shot of PENNY PRIDDY, tied to a chair and gagged. JOHN O'CONNOR
is pouring honey on her
from a squeeze bottle.
DR. LIZARDO:
Yeah, in fact, one of them is with me right now. Your,
associate, ehh...Doctor Penny Priddy.
Cut to BUCKAROO BANZAI. He looks surprised, and covers the mouthpiece of the phone.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Doctor?!?
Back to Yoyoydyne.
DR. LIZARDO:
Ehhh... may I pass along my congratulations for your great
interdimensional breakathrough. I'm sure, in the
miserable annals of the earth, you will be duly enshrined!
JOHN BIGBOOTE is examining the contents of PENNY PRIDDY's purse.
He hasn't found the
overthruster.
DR. LIZARDO:
However, ah, Miss Priddy claims to be unable to solve my problem.
And provide me...
Shot of JOHN O'CONNOR smiling diabolically at PENNY PRIDDY
as he shows her
a container of red ants.
DR. LIZARDO:
... with the crucial missing circuit for MY overthruster!
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
(to others)
He hasn't found it. He hasn't found it.
DR. LIZARDO:
Maybe you can convince her to try.
John O'Connor!
JOHN O'CONNOR removes PENNY PRIDDY's gag. DR. LIZARDO holds phone up to her.
PENNY PRIDDY:
(defiantly)
I'm not worth it, Buckaroo! Forget about me! They'll never
break me! Never!
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Penny, get off the phone. Dr. Lizardo, really, what does
she know about your overthruster? She's not a scientist...
DR. LIZARDO:
Then... shall we say... a penny for your thoughts? Hah hah hah!
PENNY PRIDDY spits at DR. LIZARDO. He takes the phone and sits back down.
DR. LIZARDO:
Maybe you can come in her place, huh? Yoyodyne, Banzai.
You know the address. Come alone. And bring your overthruster!
DR. LIZARDO slams the phone down.
DR. LIZARDO:
He'll come. I know his-a type.
TAKE HER TO THE PITT! Go, Bigbooty!
PENNY PRIDDY struggles as JOHN BIGBOOTE and JOHN O'CONNOR untie
her and haul her
away.
PENNY PRIDDY:
NOOO!
DR. LIZARDO:
Use more honey! Find out what she knows!
PENNY PRIDDY:
Not on your life! You think you're going to destroy me like you did my
sister? Think I don't know who you are, Hanoi Xan?
JOHN O'CONNOR shoves her through a door.
DR. LIZARDO:
(confused)
Hanoi Xan? Who's dat?
In the commo center on the bus. Everybody is wearing
yellow plastic vests with hoses and
mouthpieces attached to them.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
These breathing devices Hikita-san has cooked up will enable you
to see these beings as they really are, as I've been seeing them
since yesterday. As Lectroids. And to our eyes, they're not
very pretty. Nothing personal, John Parker.
NEW JERSEY looks at JOHN PARKER. He sees a man with
dreadlocks.
NEW JERSEY
breathes from the mouthpiece.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
If we blow this today, there ain't no tomorrow.
NEW JERSEY looks at JOHN PARKER again. He sees a Black Lectroid.
JOHN PARKER:
We have only two hundred and forty minutes remaining.
NEW JERSEY looks very disturbed.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Right. I'm working under the assumption that Penny still has the
overthruster, but this psycho Whorfin doesn't know that. So
that'll be my job, to get her and it back in one piece. Your
objective is to eighty-six Whorfin. You know your two strike
groups. Apache Group, that's you, Reno; Chapparal Group, that's
you, Perfect Tommy. John Parker, you ride with Chapparal. It's
my guess that no human being has ever been inside the place,
so who knows what we're gonna find there. Top priority is the
overthruster. Without it, Whorfin can't get off this planet.
This homing device will probably make it very easy to find.
It may be a lot harder to get back.
PRESIDENT WIDMARK's hospital room. SMIRNOFF is on the phone.
SMIRNOFF:
Strategic Space Command now reports all the surveil... surveilance
satellite communication jammed.
PRESIDENT WIDMARK:
Jammed?! By who? Who by?
SMIRNOFF:
Ah, possible atmospheric conditions, sir. Solar.
SENATOR CUNNINGHAM:
Solar?
SMIRNOFF:
Intelligence confirms that Soviets are having the same problem.
PRESIDENT WIDMARK:
Ahhh... Should we be on Code Red?
GENERAL CATBURD:
We go to Code Red, the Russians go to Code Red. No sense going
off half-cocked, Mr. President.
SENATOR CUNNINGHAM:
I don't know, but Buckaroo Banzai has never been wrong before.
GENERAL CATBURD:
The man's been through solid matter, for crying out loud! Who
knows what's happened to his brain? Maybe it's scrambled his
molecules! All I'm saying is, Mr. President, let's not panic!
Weird electronic noises as the room lights flicker and turn red.
PRESIDENT WIDMARK:
What's happening?
SMIRNOFF:
Uh... electromagnetic pulse, sir. Russia's just gone to Defense
Condition Two, sir.
PRESIDENT WIDMARK:
We've no choice, then.
GENERAL CATBURD:
Mr. President, I am a soldier. And I'm a damn good one. I've
got enough decorations to snap a Christmas tree! All I'm trying
to say is, and I hope I speak for everyone in this room, is that
I am scared. I'm barely holding my... fudge, right now.
Cut to SENATOR CUNNINGHAM. She is disgusted.
SENATOR CUNNINGHAM:
Stop acting like a goddamn schoolgirl, General, and pull
yourself together.
PRESIDENT WIDMARK:
I'm glad someone has the balls to face facts!
Forget we're the good guys and we never attack first.
They think we're godless monsters just like them. Put
yourself in their samovars, sitting in the dark without radar.
Now do you think they're going to listen to reason?
GENERAL CATBURD steps out of the room for a moment to where a marine sits.
GENERAL CATBURD:
What are you waiting for, lieutenant?
LIEUTENANT snaps to attention.
LIEUTENANT:
Nothing, sir!
GENERAL CATBURD:
Get that thing in here.
LIEUTENANT:
Yes, sir!
Staging area. BUCKAROO BANZAI is preparing to leave for Yoyodyne in the jet car.
PERFECT TOMMY:
Don't embarrass us.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Have I ever?... Gimme thirty minutes, then come in and mop up.
He starts the jet car. It sounds like it needs a new muffler.
Hallway at Yoyodyne. JOHN O'CONNOR is dragging PENNY
PRIDDY to the Pitt. She breaks
away and runs. Another RED LECTROID appears in front of
her and they grab her. She
struggles.
PENNY PRIDDY:
No... oh no!
JOHN O'CONNOR:
I've had enough of you, Penny Priddy!
They wrestle her to the floor, which is ankle-deep in greenish water.
PENNY PRIDDY:
Nooo!
PRESIDENT WIDMARK's hospital room. MRS. JOHNSON has just
finished playing JOHN
EMDALL's message.
PRESIDENT WIDMARK:
Well... Mrs. Johnson, thank you. It's certainly... food for thought.
SMIRNOFF:
No answer the Kremlin, sir. Just dead silence.
PRESIDENT WIDMARK:
Then, I guess... the moment is upon us.
GENERAL CATBURD:
Here ya go, Mr. President. The Presidential emergency action
documents. For your eyes only. John Hancock these, and Hail Mary.
GENERAL CATBURD hands documents to the PRESIDENT.
SENATOR CUNNINGHAM:
You know... on second thought, maybe we should think this through
a bit more, so that future generations of Americans will...
The lights dim and flicker again. More weird electronic noises.
MRS. JOHNSON:
Oh, wow.
PRESIDENT WIDMARK:
(reading document)
Declaration of War - the Short Form.
Name of the enemy...
Road outside the Yoyodyne plant. The jet car pulls up to the gate.
GUARD:
Okay, bring that thing right through the gate. Straight
ahead. Straight ahead. Come on.
Interior of the plant. DR. LIZARDO is on a high platform,
haranguing the RED LECTROIDS. He
is wearing his greatcoat and medals, and trying to imitate Benito
Mussolini.
DR. LIZARDO:
BLACKS! Are on this planet! HERE! In-a New Jersey! Coming
to destroy us! We must act! ESCAPE, or die! We must-a work
faster, to finish the Great Vehicle Itself, so we can enter the 8th
dimension, and FREE our trapped comrades, so we can return
home, and seize power once again!
What is the greatest joy?
RED LECTROIDS on the floor of the plant are sitting around,
eating junk food and watching TV.
They don't seem too excited.
RED LECTROIDS:
The joy of duty.
DR. LIZARDO:
Louder!
RED LECTROIDS:
The joy of duty!
DR. LIZARDO:
History... is-a made at night! Character... is what you are in
the dark! We must-a work, while the clock, she's-a ticking!
RED LECTROID:
Lord Whorfin is strong!
RED LECTROID:
Death to the Black Lectroids!
DR. LIZARDO:
Where are we going?
The RED LECTROIDS are a little more animated now.
RED LECTROIDS:
Planet Ten!
DR. LIZARDO:
When?
RED LECTROIDS:
Real Soon!
Directed by the GUARD, BUCKAROO BANZAI drives the jet car into the building.
GUARD:
C'mon, over here. Bring it this way. Bring it this way! Now park it.
BUCKAROO BANZAI climbs out as RED LECTROIDS surround the car.
DR. LIZARDO watches
from a catwalk as JOHN GOMEZ searches the jet car.
GUARD:
There's no overthruster! Get him in here.
Get him out of there! I wanna see his face!
JOHN GOMEZ:
It's not here!
JOHN BIGBOOTE punches BUCKAROO BANZAI in the stomach.
DR. LIZARDO:
Take him to the Shock Tower!
Shot of PENNY PRIDDY in the Pit. Sound of water
dripping.
She is tied to some kind of frame.
A tarantula is crawling up her leg.
Meanwhile, BUCKAROO BANZAI has been put in the Shock Tower.
A device is lowered onto
his head.
DR. LIZARDO:
The equations... solve them! Enter your data on this-a keypad.
And you better be right. The Shock Tower... is a lie detector.
Any falsehood triggers a brutal charge to your... auditory meatus.
COMPUTER VOICE:
Open circuit.
DR. LIZARDO:
So??!
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
You're not getting jack from me until you let Penny out of
this junkyard.
DR. LIZARDO:
Curse-a you, Banzai! Don't you-a realize what you are saying?
Your whole planet's gonna be destroyed, and you sit here wasting
time!
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Time? I've got nothing but time.
DR. LIZARDO throws a switch and BUCKAROO BANZAI is shocked.
DR. LIZARDO:
(gloating)
Sealed with a curse as sharp as a knife... Doomed is-a your soul,
and damned is your life!
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Buh... buzz off.
DR. LIZARDO:
Bigbooty..., more power to him.
JOHN BIGBOOTE:
(annoyed)
Bigboo-TAY.
DR. LIZARDO:
I want-a my missing circuit! Now!
JOHN BIGBOOTE turns the power up. BUCKAROO BANZAI is shocked again, and screams.
Staging area. PERFECT TOMMY is sitting under a large
umbrella outside the tour bus. A
helicopter lands and drops off the SECRETARY OF DEFENSE as the
Rugsuckers' van arrives.
The SECRETARY OF DEFENSE strides up to PERFECT TOMMY.
PERFECT TOMMY:
Is there something I can help you with, John?
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:
Is Buckaroo upstairs?
JOHN PARKER exits the bus, waves to the SECRETARY OF DEFENSE.
JOHN PARKER:
'Ello, Mr. Secret'ry.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:
Where is he?
The SECRETARY OF DEFENSE climbs aboard the bus.
Back to the Shock Tower. BUCKAROO BANZAI has not been cooperative.
COMPUTER VOICE:
That won't work either.
DR. LIZARDO:
Cursed computer!
(ed. note: The above is the line as shown in the earlier transcriptions. Strike
Team Renegade disagrees with it, and suspects that the actual line is something
profane either in Italian or Red Lectroid. Independant comfirmation of either would
be much appreciated, and duly credited.)
He stands up and snaps his fingers. A RED LECTROID moves to turn several TV monitors on.
DR. LIZARDO:
Eyy, Banzai. Take a look at-a your girl friend.
DR. LIZARDO grins, then notices one monitor is blank. He curses in Italian, with only the one English (?) word audible and switches it on.
DR. LIZARDO:
...Idiota...
PENNY PRIDDY is visible in the Pit.
DR. LIZARDO:
She'll-a live, but... only for a while. And she won't-a enjoy it!
Only you can save her from a fate even worse than that of your
friend, Mr. Rawhide!
(suddenly desparate sounding)
Solve these equations. Please, Banzai. I must-a go home.
Inside the bus. They're waiting to go in.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:
Anybody got anything? Hmm? Or are we still blacked out?
NEW JERSEY:
We sit here for twelve more minutes. Buckaroo's orders.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:
Damn Buckaroo!!
Disgusted, the SECRETARY OF DEFENSE storms off of bus.
Yoyodyne, the computer room.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
The missing circuit's in your head, Whorfin.
DR. LIZARDO:
Whorfin? How did you know that was my secret identity?
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
John Emdall spilled the beans.
DR. LIZARDO:
(curses in Italian)
Bigbooty... activate your probes!
JOHN BIGBOOTE throws switch. BUCKAROO BANZAI is shocked again. He grits his teeth.
The tour bus passes a billboard showing a Boy Scout holding
a tiny American flag and saluting
the Yoyodyne logo. At the top is the legend "The Future
Begins Tomorrow." At the bottom, it
says "A Growing Excited Company." The bus pulls up to
the main gate.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:
Slow this sucker down. I'll handle these birds.
JOHN YAYA:
Whoa!
The bus stops. The SECRETARY OF DEFENSE jumps off and goes up to the guard shack.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:
You young gentlemen have a telephone in here, ah, you wanna jump on
the horn and get me Mr. John Big Boot?
JOHN YAYA:
Bigboo-TAY.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:
Oh, hell, wanna do anything nowadays, you gotta do it yourself!
The SECRETARY OF DEFENSE storms into the shack. JOHN
YAYA follows and grabs the
phone before the SECRETARY OF DEFENSE can pick it up.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:
What is your name?
The SECRETARY OF DEFENSE pulls a notebook out of his pocket.
Outside, the tour bus drives
through the gate. The security guards don't notice.
JOHN YAYA:
John Yaya.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:
John Yaya, huh? And you are...
(reads his badge)
John Small Berries!
The tour bus pulls to a stop inside the Yoyodyne complex.
The door is flung open and various
Hong Kong Cavaliers jump out, brandishing assorted assault
weapons.
They cautiously head
for the main building. PERFECT TOMMY is in the lead.
JOHN PARKER:
(pointing)
It's down dere.
PERFECT TOMMY:
What?
JOHN PARKER:
I feel it.
JOHN PARKER runs ahead.
PERFECT TOMMY:
Oh. We're not...
The shock tower. BUCKAROO BANZAI punches in another equation.
On the computer, the
words "Getting Warmer" flash. BUCKAROO BANZAI is
shocked again.
They advance past what looks like part of a sewage treatment
plant and enter the main building.
Television sets are placed randomly amid piles of junk.
PERFECT TOMMY:
Hope you know where you're going. Because my nose is starting to whistle.
JOHN PARKER:
It's a nest.
PERFECT TOMMY:
Birds nest. People don't nest.
JOHN PARKER:
(shakes his head)
Red Lectroid...
They hear something that sounds like a music box. Moving
forward to investigate, they find a toy
carousel. It is turning and playing a little tune.
PERFECT TOMMY thinks it's cute.
PINKY CARRUTHERS:
Don't touch it. It might be a bomb, man.
PERFECT TOMMY:
Naw... It's a toy.
With a shriek, a RED LECTROID drops onto PERFECT TOMMY's back
from overhead. There is
a brief struggle, ending when JOHN PARKER breaks its neck.
Cut to an office in the Yoyodyne building. A GUARD is
sitting behind the desk as the
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE strides in.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:
Sit down!
GUARD:
Sir?
The SECRETARY OF DEFENSE heads down the hall.
GUARD:
Hey, that area's restricted!
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:
Yeah? Not to me!
Interior of the main building. Shots of the Hong Kong
Cavaliers covering each other as they
advance. Many RED LECTROIDS are sitting around, oblivious.
PERFECT TOMMY:
What is this place?
JOHN PARKER:
It's a bivouac. They sleep here.
PERFECT TOMMY:
Can they all shoot stingers?
JOHN PARKER:
You better believe it.
PERFECT TOMMY:
Lizardo. Which way?
JOHN PARKER:
(pointing)
Over dere.
PERFECT TOMMY:
You sure?
JOHN PARKER:
Believe it!
PERFECT TOMMY:
Just once.
PERFECT TOMMY runs across an open space. In the foreground,
several RED LECTROIDS
are watching TV and eating potato chips. JOHN PARKER follows.
PERFECT TOMMY and the rest of Chapparal Group take cover behind
a large piece of
machinery on the factory floor. Apache Group rejoins them.
RENO NEVADA:
What's going on? Where are we?
PERFECT TOMMY:
(as if it should be obvious)
It's a bivouac, man. They sleep here.
Suddenly, the alarm on PERFECT TOMMY's watch goes off.
As he tries to shut it off, a RED
LECTROID hears the beeping, runs to a control panel, and sets
off an alarm. A klaxon sounds,
and SCOOTER LINDLEY turns and fires at the LECTROID. He
is hit, and the control panel
explodes in a shower of sparks.
The Shock Tower room. The klaxon can be heard, and the lights flicker as the power fails.
DR. LIZARDO:
(panicked)
What's happening? John Icicle Boy...
Shot of BUCKAROO BANZAI in the Shock Tower. The probes
retract. DR. LIZARDO and JOHN
BIGBOOTE have forgotten BUCKAROO BANZAI as they respond to the
emergency.
DR. LIZARDO:
Bigbooty! Go down to the Pit. Kill the girl!
Factory floor. The RED LECTROIDS are aware of the intruders
now, but the Hong Kong
Cavaliers are mowing them down as they attack. Gunfire,
RED LECTROIDS being hit and
falling from rafters, etc.
CASPER LINDLEY:
Scooter! Where are you?
Cut to RED LECTROIDS swarming around their ship, elsewhere
in the factory. JOHN
BIGBOOTE enters, takes charge.
Shock Tower. DR. LIZARDO fiddles with controls.
DR. LIZARDO:
Eyy! Somebody shut off that gosh-damned klaxon!
He picks up his overthruster and leaves, ignoring BUCKAROO
BANZAI who is now freeing
himself from the restraints of the Shock Tower.
PA VOICE:
Work, work, work. There are monkey-boys in the facility.
BUCKAROO BANZAI looks for a way out of the Shock Tower room.
PA VOICE:
You are secure. Do not panic. John Emdall must die.
Lord Whorfin must live.
Hallway. The SECRETARY OF DEFENSE knocks on a door.
A sign reads "NOBUDY CUMZ IN
HERE - SEKRIT". He opens the door.
PA VOICE:
Work, work, work.
The SECRETARY OF DEFENSE enters a weirdly-lit room containing
a maze of plastic sheeting
hanging from the ceiling.
Another hallway. NEW JERSEY staggers down the hall,
panting.
Suddenly someone touches
his shoulder. There is a bright flash.
NEW JERSEY:
Uhhhh!
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Sorry... I'm sorry, Sidney.
NEW JERSEY:
Buckaroo!
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
It's good to see you, pal. You got a pistol?
NEW JERSEY:
Yeah.
NEW JERSEY hands a revolver to BUCKAROO BANZAI.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
(pops cylinder, checks to see if pistol is loaded)
What are you gonna use?
NEW JERSEY draws another gun, spins it flashily.
NEW JERSEY:
Where are we?
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
I'd hate to tell you.
NEW JERSEY:
Uh, where're we going?
BUCKAROO BANZAI produces a hand-held direction finder.
An illuminated arrow flashes, and
there is a clicking sound a lot like a car's overly loud turn
signal.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
This way.
BUCKAROO BANZAI and NEW JERSEY move off.
Meanwhile, the SECRETARY OF DEFENSE emerges into the area of
the plant where the
spaceship is being completed. Power tools can be heard in
the background.
RED LECTROID:
Get over here.
PA VOICE:
Keep your noses to the grindstone.
RED LECTROID:
Give me a hand.
PA VOICE:
The greatest joy is the joy of duty. Work, work, work.
The SECRETARY OF DEFENSE stares in disbelief at the giant spaceship.
PA VOICE:
The monkey-boys are evil. Lord Whorfin is supreme.
The SECRETARY OF DEFENSE spots JOHN BIGBOOTE supervising the workers.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:
Big Boot? Big Boot! Hold on a minute, I wanna talk to you!
JOHN BIGBOOTE looks up, surprised.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:
Hey, what the hell's the matter with you? You deaf? I said,
I wanna talk to you!
JOHN BIGBOOTE turns and leaves through a door marked "PITT".
Dark hallway. BUCKAROO BANZAI and NEW JERSEY advance
to an intersection with another
corridor. RED LECTROIDS attack in turn from each of the
four directions and are alternately
gunned down by BUCKAROO BANZAI and NEW JERSEY. They look at each
other, and NEW
JERSEY blows the smoke from the muzzle of his gun.
The Pit. JOHN BIGBOOTE and JOHN O'CONNOR are preparing
to kill PENNY PRIDDY as the
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE enters.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:
(steps in ankle-deep water)
Jeez!
What the HELL is going on here, Big Boot? Where's my bomber?
JOHN BIGBOOTE:
Bigboo-TAY.
John O'Connor, put the Snott on the track.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:
Hey, I don't give a flying handshake what your name is, I'm
here to see a bomber.
The SECRETARY OF DEFENSE stares at PENNY PRIDDY.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:
This sure ain't it.
JOHN O'CONNOR smiles strangely as he puts a slimy alien slug-like
thing on a track that
slopes down towards PENNY PRIDDY's head.
JOHN BIGBOOTE:
Let's just go back upstairs to my office. Talk about this like
two reasonable beings.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:
(gestures at PENNY PRIDDY)
Now you listen to me. Your private life, that's your own concern, but
I'm here to see a bomber, and I'm damn sure gonna see it now!
(points to the water on the floor)
Look... LOOK at this place! Don't you have any PRIDE? It looks like
a damn pigsty!
JOHN BIGBOOTE grabs the SECRETARY OF DEFENSE's necktie and hoists him off his feet.
JOHN BIGBOOTE:
It's not my goddamn PLANET, understand, MONKEY-BOY?
JOHN BIGBOOTE drops the SECRETARY OF DEFENSE, who falls to the floor.
JOHN BIGBOOTE:
Let's get out of here, John O'Connor.
JOHN O'CONNOR:
(disappointed)
But John Whorfin said we could kill her.
JOHN BIGBOOTE:
Damn John Whorfin and the horse he rode in on!
They leave as the alien creature begins to ooze down the track towards PENNY PRIDDY.
Hallway.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
(to NEW JERSEY)
Cover me. I'm reloading.
A RED LECTROID screams and lunges towards BUCKAROO BANZAI.
A shot rings out and the
LECTROID falls. PERFECT TOMMY appears.
PERFECT TOMMY:
You owe me one, bud.
The Pitt. The SECRETARY OF DEFENSE comes to. He
spots PENNY PRIDDY's purse
and crawls painfully towards it.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:
(gritting his teeth)
It's not over yet... I may be down, but I'm not out.
I'll bounce back from this thing. I'll come out of this
smelling like a goddamn rose.
He reaches the purse. The overthruster beeps from inside.
Suddenly BUCKAROO BANZAI and
NEW JERSEY burst in.
NEW JERSEY:
What is THAT?
Don't pick it up! Don't....
There is a high-pitched squeal as BUCKAROO BANZAI sweeps the
alien thing off the track. The
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE pockets the overthruster and crawls away
unnoticed as
BUCKAROO BANZAI and NEW JERSEY bend over PENNY PRIDDY, who is
unconscious.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Penny...
(He grabs her wrist, feeling for a pulse.)
How's she doing?
NEW JERSEY:
Uhh... I don't know?
PERFECT TOMMY searches PENNY PRIDDY's purse.
PERFECT TOMMY:
There's no overthruster.
JOHN PARKER:
Buckaroo Banzai!
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
What?
JOHN PARKER:
Dere is little time! You better come quickly, if your planet is
still important to you!
BUCKAROO BANZAI is torn between PENNY PRIDDY and the call of duty.
NEW JERSEY:
Leave her to me. You take care of business.
BUCKAROO BANZAI hesitates.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Thanks.
(to NEW JERSEY)
Get her to the bus.
(to PERFECT TOMMY)
Get her to the bus.
NEW JERSEY:
Go. Go.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Right. Right.
JOHN PARKER leaves, followed by BUCKAROO BANZAI.
PERFECT TOMMY:
How is she?
NEW JERSEY:
(starting to examine her)
Not good.
They hear something, then the lights flicker. PERFECT TOMMY hands NEW JERSEY a gun.
PERFECT TOMMY:
Piece of cake.
Control room. JOHN BIGBOOTE enters. JOHN O'CONNOR
is helping DR. LIZARDO with his
coat.
JOHN BIGBOOTE:
Where's Buckaroo Banzai?
DR. LIZARDO:
He has-a flown the coop. Is the girl dead?
JOHN BIGBOOTE:
Yes!
DR. LIZARDO:
Then sound the call to board the ship!
JOHN BIGBOOTE:
(exasperated)
Without the crucial missing circuit, we'll never make it!
JOHN O'CONNOR:
They are only monkey-boys... we can still crush them here on
Earth, Lord Whorfin!
DR. LIZARDO:
Noooo... it's-a time to go home!
Bigbooty - you carry my overthruster. John O'Connor, you
stick-a by my side!
DR. LIZARDO and JOHN O'CONNOR hurry off. JOHN BIGBOOTE
is shocked that he is
apparently no longer second in command.
Factory floor. BUCKAROO BANZAI and JOHN PARKER are sneaking towards the ship.
PA VOICE:
The great vehicle itself is now in final boarding state.
BUCKAROO BANZAI sees the ship for the first time.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
What is that?
JOHN PARKER:
Is a troop ship. Lord Whorfin....
Cut to the basket of a cherry picker lifting DR. LIZARDO, JOHN
O'CONNOR, and JOHN
BIGBOOTE to the ship. DR. LIZARDO spots BUCKAROO BANZAI
below.
DR. LIZARDO:
Massacre them without-a quarter!
RED LECTROIDS attack BUCKAROO BANZAI and JOHN PARKER, and are
defeated in bitter
hand-to-hand combat.
Interior of ship. A hatch in the floor opens and DR. LIZARDO is helped inside.
INTERCOM VOICE:
His extreme eminence, Lord Whorfin, is aboard.
DR. LIZARDO:
Tell the flight attendants to close the doors, and prepare for
cross check!
Factory floor. BUCKAROO BANZAI and JOHN PARKER run towards
the ship, gunning down
RED LECTROIDS as they go. They reach some scaffolding, and
climb towards the ship.
PA VOICE:
If you are not inside at this point, you have missed the boat.
Interior of thermopod. BUCKAROO BANZAI and JOHN PARKER climb through the hatch.
PA VOICE:
We are go for launch.
They cautiously explore the thermopod. Suddenly the hatch closes, trapping them inside.
Ship's control room. Frenzied preparations are being made for departure.
DR. LIZARDO:
John O'Connor! Install my overthruster!
INTERCOM VOICE:
... all carry-on baggage overhead and secure.
A RED LECTROID switches the ship to internal power, and lights go on.
Thermopod. BUCKAROO BANZAI and JOHN PARKER can now see the interior.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
What is this?
JOHN PARKER:
It looks like one of our thermopods.
(ominously)
But it's a very bad design.
They experiment with various controls. DR. LIZARDO's voice is heard on the intercom system.
DR. LIZARDO:
... your tray tables are secure! And your seat backs in the full
upright position!
Ship's control room.
JOHN O'CONNOR:
Your overthruster is in place, Lord Whorfin!
JOHN BIGBOOTE:
(gesturing wildly)
It won't work! It won't work!
DR. LIZARDO turns to shout at JOHN BIGBOOTE.
DR. LIZARDO:
Shut up, John Bigbooty, you coward! You're da weakest individual
I ever know!
DR. LIZARDO turns back to the controls as, behind him, JOHN BIGBOOTE gives him the finger.
Meanwhile, the SECRETARY OF DEFENSE is snooping around the
jet car, which is covered in
plastic.
SCOOTER LINDLEY:
Get away from that car, or I drink your blood!
The SECRETARY OF DEFENSE looks around, and sees SCOOTER LINDLEY
aiming an M-14
rifle at him.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:
(nervously)
Whatcha got there, son? That's... uh... not real, is it?
SCOOTER LINDLEY fires a round at the ceiling. The SECRETARY OF DEFENSE jumps back.
SCOOTER LINDLEY:
Get 'em up.
Ship's control room. Preparation for launch continues.
DR. LIZARDO is removing his shoes so
he can work a set of levers with his feet.
VOICE:
H2 tank pressurization, okay. We are go for launch.
VOICE:
John Many Jars, establish overthruster beam grid, over!
Activate oscillator!
VOICE:
The phase accelerator's shorting out!
Factory floor. BILLY TRAVERS stares at the ship as three
bright blue beams of light appear and
wave around wildly, trying to line up with a grid painted on the
wall.
Control room.
DR. LIZARDO:
John O'Connor! MY OVERTHRUSTER!
He moves levers with his feet.
Exterior. The ship lurches, and begins to move along
its track. A few RED LECTROIDS are still
outside.
RED LECTROID:
Wait Lord Whorfin! Don't leave! Don't leave!
Quick cuts between control room, thermopod, and exterior as the ship jolts down the track.
RED LECTROID:
Noooooo! Wait!
Thermopod cockpit.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
If they can't connect the dots, they'll never penetrate.
The ship lurches to a stop. BUCKAROO BANZAI stares as a milky
fluid pours through a channel
in the thermopod's cockpit.
VOICE:
Cabin fluid valves are closed. The problem is corrected.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Wh... what is that?
JOHN PARKER:
Is okay. No worry. Is an insulatin' liquid.
Control room. DR. LIZARDO is speaking into a microphone.
DR. LIZARDO:
Full speed ahead! And may I remind you, to fasten your-a seat belts,
and esstinguish all smoking materials.
JOHN BIGBOOTE:
We haven't a chance! Your overthruster's for shit! We'll lose...
DR. LIZARDO:
One more word out of you, Bigbooty...
JOHN BIGBOOTE:
Bigboo-tay! Tay! TAY!!!
DR. LIZARDO pulls a gun, turns, and shoots JOHN BIGBOOTE.
Cut to thermopod cockpit.
DR. LIZARDO:
(on intercom)
Welcome aboard, Banzai. You're next!
Control room.
VOICE:
Roger, John Mudhead.
DR. LIZARDO:
Let's-a go home.
VOICE:
Horizontal velocity is expanding, over.
Exterior of ship as massive cables begin to drag it down the track again.
VOICE:
The wall is softening.
Thermopod. A cover is removed, and BUCKAROO BANZAI and
JOHN PARKER can now see
out the thermopod's windshield. The wall and its grid markings
are coming towards them.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Oh, no.
Quick shots of beams dancing on the grid, DR. LIZARDO's feet
frantically moving controls, the
ship accelerating down the track, and the thermopod cockpit.
BUCKAROO BANZAI ducks just
before impact.
Exterior of Yoyodyne's main building. A section of the
wall crumbles and debris flies as the ship
smashes through the wall. In the control room, DR. LIZARDO
is still manipulating his levers.
VOICE:
Danger, danger. We do not have crossover.
Negative mass is critical.
View of industrial park as the ship accelerates into a climbing turn.
In the BLACK LECTROID command ship, the WING COMMANDER is
eavesdropping
on the
RED LECTROID's intercom.
RED VOICE 1:
We are not in the 8th dimension. We are over New Jersey.
RED VOICE 2:
All is not lost.
RED VOICE 1:
But we are heading...
WING COMMANDER:
Stand by to incinerate Smolensk.
RED VOICE 1:
This is Panther One. Jettison, jettison...
Thermopod cockpit. DR. LIZARDO's voice is heard on the intercom.
DR. LIZARDO:
So sorry, gentlemen. But I must-a dump the excess baggage.
The thermopod is jettisoned and drops like a rock.
DR. LIZARDO:
Arrividerci, Banzai!
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Power, power... Where's the power?
JOHN PARKER:
I am a diplomat! I failed flight school!
BUCKAROO BANZAI grabs a cable hanging from the wall.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
What do we do? Jump-start it?
Seconds before impact, he plugs the cable into a panel.
Whining noises as the power comes
on, and the thermopod stops falling and hovers. He experiments
with various controls.
Cut to exterior. The thermopod climbs, dives, and turns
erratically as BUCKAROO BANZAI tries
to figure out how to fly it.
Back to the cockpit. JOHN PARKER looks very relieved.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
... stabilizers...
JOHN PARKER:
What's dis?
JOHN PARKER indicates a handgrip and trigger next to him.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Looks like a gun.
He pulls the trigger. There is a whooshing sound, and
a pulsing beam of red light shoots from
the front of the thermopod.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
John Parker, take this wheel.
They switch places.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Just... just hold on... that's good. It flies like a truck.
JOHN PARKER:
Good. What is a truck?
Cut to DR. LIZARDO at the controls of the ship.
VOICE:
Electric beam is fine, Lord Whorfin.
DR. LIZARDO:
Heh heh heh.
Back to thermopod. BUCKAROO BANZAI is studying the weapons panel.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Gotta be something to aim... aim... aim...
JOHN PARKER:
Whoa!
The ship pops out of a cloud directly in front of them, on
a collision course. JOHN PARKER
spins the wheel wildly, and they evade the ship just in time.
The thermopod turns to follow it.
Control room.
VOICE:
Thermopod on our tail, over.
DR. LIZARDO:
(hisses)
Banzai! So, you wanna play games, eh?...
Thermopod. Voices from the ship can be heard on a speaker.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Where's the stabilizer?
DR. LIZARDO:
... you wanna play hide and seek, hanh?
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
All right.
SHIP VOICE:
Commence evasive action, Lord Whorfin.
The ship begins to jink back and forth, trying to shake the thermopod.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Okay. Okay. Start left. Go left. More, more, more, more...
left, left... Left! I said left!
JOHN PARKER:
This is left!
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
I mean my left! On... go your right!
Control room. DR. LIZARDO kicks levers frantically as the ship tries to evade.
VOICE:
Faster. He is gaining.
DR. LIZARDO:
Feets! Do your stuff!
Back to thermopod. BUCKAROO BANZAI is sighting in on the ship.
SHIP VOICE:
Dive! Dive! Dive!
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Locking, locking now, locking now, dive, dive, dive, dive, dive...
They dive to follow the ship.
SHIP VOICE:
Repeat, Lord Whorfin! Repeat! Dive! Dive!
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Whorfin... Sayonara.
BUCKAROO BANZAI pulls the trigger.
Cut to closeup of DR. LIZARDO at controls.
DR. LIZARDO:
Banzai!! I'll see you in-a hell!!!
Back to thermopod. The ship explodes in a massive fireball.
JOHN PARKER:
We got him!
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Go left! Stop!
He grabs controls, stops the thermopod before it flies into the expanding fireball.
Below, members of Team Banzai look up as the explosion lights up the sky.
Black command ship.
BLACK LECTROID:
John Whorfin... destroyed.
WING COMMANDER:
Deactivate particle beam. Tracking zero... zero... zero.
BUCKAROO BANZAI is descending on a parachute. He salutes
as JOHN PARKER hovers the
thermopod next to him, then flies away. BUCKAROO BANZAI
waves.
Outside Yoyodyne. PERFECT TOMMY and RENO NEVADA run up
as BUCKAROO BANZAI
lands next to the building.
RENO NEVADA:
Hah hah!
PERFECT TOMMY:
That was one time I thought you'd bought it.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Yeah, me too. Where's Penny?
PERFECT TOMMY:
At the bus. New Jersey helped me bring her back after the fire.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
How is she? Okay?
PERFECT TOMMY:
He said he'd pull her through. Quite a guy, you want my opinion.
Cut to SECRETARY OF DEFENSE and SCOOTER LINDLEY sitting on
a bench. SCOOTER
LINDLEY is holding the overthruster and covering the SECRETARY
OF DEFENSE with his M-
14.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:
You give me that gizmo, I'll give you a brand new crisp
twenty-dollar bill. Hunh?
SCOOTER LINDLEY grins and shakes his head. The SECRETARY
OF DEFENSE takes his hat
off and offers it and the money.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:
All right, I'll tell you what...
BUCKAROO BANZAI, PERFECT TOMMY, and RENO NEVADA walk up.
PERFECT TOMMY:
Hey, Scooter! Fall in.
SCOOTER LINDLEY whips the $20 out of the SECRETARY OF DEFENSE's
hand and pockets it
as he stands up. The SECRETARY OF DEFENSE sneaks away.
SCOOTER LINDLEY:
This what you're lookin' for, Buckaroo?
He gives BUCKAROO BANZAI the overthruster.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Scooter...
(looks at PERFECT TOMMY)
You got his job.
SCOOTER LINDLEY:
All right!
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
You wanna ride with me in the jet car?
SCOOTER LINDLEY:
Wow! You know it!... But I have to ask my dad first.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Okay, you ask your dad. I'll wash up.
BUCKAROO BANZAI grins at PERFECT TOMMY and walks away. PERFECT
TOMMY looks
upset. RENO NEVADA punches his shoulder.
RENO NEVADA:
Awwwww....
BUCKAROO BANZAI walks up to the bus. NEW JERSEY is standing
at the door. He shakes
his head.
NEW JERSEY:
I did all I could.
BUCKAROO BANZAI boards the bus and passes through the commo center.
RADAR BLAZE 1:
Buckaroo, the President's on line 1, calling about is everything okay
with the alien space cloud from Planet Ten, or should we just go ahead
and destroy Russia?
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
(distracted)
Tell him yes on one and no on two.
RADAR BLAZE 2 (ED):
Which was yes? The destroy Russia, or the, uh, number two?
BUCKAROO BANZAI ignores him and goes to a bedroom. PENNY
PRIDDY is lying on a futon,
completely covered by a white sheet. He whips the sheet
away, to reveal her lying on her back,
with her arms crossed.
BUCKAROO BANZAI slowly bends down to kiss PENNY PRIDDY.
As he is about to touch her
lips, there is a bright blue flash and a spark jumps between them.
BUCKAROO BANZAI is
thrown backwards.
Cut to a close shot of the BLACK LECTROID WING COMMANDER. He's grinning, and eavesdropping as usual..
Bedroom.
BUCKAROO BANZAI sits up, rubbing his face. He looks at PENNY
PRIDDY, then stares in
disbelief as her leg moves slightly.
He bends down to kiss her again. Small sparks as their
lips touch. He pulls away as she slowly
opens her eyes.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Careful. You're all right.
Cut to command ship. All the BLACK LECTROIDS are eavesdropping.
PENNY PRIDDY:
You look awful, Buckaroo.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
You don't exactly light up a party yourself...
Back to the bedroom.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
... Penny Priddy.
They embrace, and PENNY PRIDDY pulls him down onto the futon as he closes the blinds.
WING COMMANDER:
So what. Big deal.
Fade to black.
Title appears.
Closing credit sequence, where BUCKAROO BANZAI and the members
of Team Banzai
march around a concrete aqueduct while the Buckaroo Banzai theme
plays.
Directed by
W.D. RichterCinematography by
Fred J. KoenekampMusic by
Michael BoddickerWritten by
Earl Mac RauchProduction Design by
J. Michael RivaCostume Design by
Aggie Guerrard RodgersFilm Editing by
George Bowers
Richard MarksProduced by
Sidney Beckerman (executive)
Neil Canton
Dennis Jones (associate)
W.D. Richter
Other crew
David Blitstein (special effects)
Richard Carter (art director)
Gary Daigler (assistant director)
Stephen Dane (art director)
Linda DeScenna (set decorator)
Bari Dreiband (make-up)
Gordon Ecker Jr. (sound effects editor)
Michael Fink (special effects)
Wayne Fitzgerald (title design)
Katterli Frauenfelder (assistant director)
Bones Howe (music supervisor)(sound)
Dennis Jones (production manager)
Terry Liebling (casting)
Anthony Milch (sound effects editor)
Henry Millar (special effects)
H. Bud Otto (script supervisor)
Stephen Robinette (hair styles)-FIN-
This page was last updated on June 10th, 2016.
Maintained by Sean Murphy [figment@figmentfly.com]