Date: Thu, 5 Dec 91 16:44:34 -0500
THE ADVENTURES OF BUCKAROO BANZAI
ACROSS THE EIGHTH DIMENSION
as transcribed by Larry Doering
ldoering@caen.engin.umich.edu
or
doering@erim.org
I have gone over the dialogue, making the most minor of corrections to Mr Doering's fine transcription; places where dialogue was obscured or muffled, with the help of the book and the Director's/Working/Editor's cut.
Additional scenes and dialogue excised in the final cut are inserted and marked by double brackets [[ ]]. These scenes and dialogue snippets are from my copy of the working cut.
[[MISSING: The backstory: this footage was cut and replaced by the scrolling title>
RAWHIDE (VOICEOVER):
[BLACK SCREEN]
The following footage has been declassified by the Banzai Institute for Biomedical Engineering
and Strategic Information.
[Old footage from the 50's, slightly yellowed and grainy... SOMEONE'S decked-out high-Western
hand-tooled pointy-toed BOOTS. Camera gradually pans up to a group of happy people posing
against the desert backdrop]
1955; the American Southwest. The United States enters the rapid race to develop ever-more
sophisticated weapons, resurrecting maverick professor Toichi Hikita's work in electromagnetic
particle acceleration, despite the dismal record of failure that stalled the project since
the late 1930's.
[GROUP SHOT, mugging for the camera]
Dr. Masado Banzai pre-eminent Japanese quantum theorist, joins Professor Hikita and declares
himself anxious to work for the forces of freedom. Dr Banzai sires a precocious son; enamored
of the American West, he tags the tiny tot Buckaroo; a tribute to his adopted homeland.
[MASADO, decked out in cowboy vogue, somewhat skillfully twirls a lariat. Camera switches to
SANDRA, wearing black, horn-rimmed glasses and in a light blue dress, and presenting a
birthday cake to Buckaroo]
Dr. Sandra Banzai, Texas-born pioneer in negative mass propulsion, wife of Masado Banzai.
Loves Buckaroo; though racially-mixed, a boy like any other, possessing what all children
most require: a pair of loving parents.
[HIKITA is scribing lines on a wall set in the desert sand; long shots down a runway of the
first Jet Car]
Given a second chance after his secret pre-war disaster at Princeton, Professor Hikita finds
new life at the Texas School of Mines, assembling a team of crack scientists willing to gamble
that he is right in the daring assertion that man can, indeed, pass unharmed through
solid matter.
[shots of the Jet Car being prepped, fueled up, MASADO and JONES climbing in to the cockpit]
Sir Godwin Lloyd Jones of Cambridge, a brainy, likeable limey, co-developer with Whitehead
and Lord Russell of the world's most advanced theoretical gravity catapult, travels to Texas to
join Masado Banzai for the first test of a radically-redesigned Oscillation Overthruster.
[shots of the sand-bagged ditch that serves as a bunker; countdown... flames leap out of the
cockpit of the Jet Car. The camera goes wobbly as SANDRA and TOICHI rush towards the
burning Jet Car]
A sudden precipitous rise in cockpit temperature...
[BUCKAROO, running after them, is seized by TOICHI and dragged back into the bunker
behind the sandbags]
Later traced to a crude incendiary device planted in the two-man speed vehicle by none
other than Hanoi Xan.
HIKITA, on the ground with BUCKAROO shielded under him. The ground shakes; evidently
the device has set off the fuel tanks]
Tragically, three lives are lost.
RETURN TO FINAL CUT AT OPENING DESERT SEQUENCE]]
-------------
Scrolling title appears.
Buckaroo Banzai, born to an American mother and a
Japanese father, thus began life as he was destined
to live it... going in several directions at once. A
brilliant neurosurgeon, this restless young man grew
quickly dissatisfied with a life devoted solely to
medicine. He roamed the planet studying martial arts
and particle physics, collecting around him a most
eccentric group of friends, those hard-rocking
scientists, The Hong Kong Cavaliers.
And now, with his astounding jet car ready for a bold
assault on the dimensional barrier, Buckaroo Banzai
faces the greatest challenge of his turbulent life...
... while high above Earth, an alien spacecraft keeps
a nervous watch on Team Banzai's every move...
Somewhere in the desert. Team Banzai is preparing BUCKAROO BANZAI's jet
car for a bold assault on the dimensional barrier. The jet car, a highly
modified Ford pickup truck, is parked near the launch grid. Shots
of jet car, crew members running around.
A limousine pulls away from in front of a concrete blockhouse. Inside,
members of Team Banzai are going through various final checklists. A
technician is seated at a control console.
ED:
T minus six zero three and holding, laser positive, latch compressors.
PROF. HIKITA is at another console.
PROF. HIKITA:
Multistage axial compressors... latched.
Fuel pressure eighteen hundred pounds.
Outside, the ground crew rolls the jet car into position.
A Marine officer walks into the blockhouse and talks to GENERAL CATBURD.
GENERAL CATBURD:
You're kidding. He's still at the hospital? ... Banzai hasn't showed
yet, Mr. Secretary. Looks like he's got cold feet.
PERFECT TOMMY and RENO NEVADA, two of the Hong Kong Cavaliers, are sitting off
to the side. PERFECT TOMMY is reading a newspaper. He looks up.
PERFECT TOMMY:
Well, better go see what's keepin' the boss, Reno.
RENO NEVADA:
Why me?
PERFECT TOMMY:
'Cause I'm busy.
Cut to a hospital operating room. BUCKAROO BANZAI and NEW JERSEY, wearing
scrubs, are at the operating table.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
May I have the curved deoscibule, please?
NURSE'S VOICE:
It's not here, Dr. Banzai.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Ahhh... let me have the straight one then.
NEW JERSEY:
See, this is the point, for me, where it started to look like a
problem. You know, I wanted to sacrifice the procentral vein in
order to get some exposure, but because of this guy's normal
variation, I got excited, and all of a sudden I didn't know
whether I was looking at the procentral vein, or one of the
internal cerebral veins, or the vein of Galen, or the vasular
vein of Rosenthal. So, on my own, to me, at this point, I was
ready to say that's it, let's get out.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
You can check your anatomy all you want, and even though there may
be normal variation, when you get right down to it, this far inside
the head it _all_ looks the same.
No, no, no, no. Don't tug on that. You never know what it might be
attached to.
Cut to desert, then to interior of blockhouse.
ED:
APU vents are closed, it looks good.
Cut to observer's gallery outside the operating room. RAWHIDE is dictating
into a tape recorder.
RAWHIDE:
Dr. Banzai is using a laser to vaporize the pineal tumor without
damaging the quadrogenital plate. Subcutaneous microphones are
gonna allow the patient to transmit verbal instructions to his
own brain.
PA VOICE:
Dr. Banzai's helicopter has arrived.
VOICE:
Like... "raise my left arm"?
RAWHIDE:
Or "throw the harpoon." People are gonna come from all over. This
boy's an Eskimo.
Operating room. BUCKAROO BANZAI and NEW JERSEY have completed the operation.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
You ever thought about joining me full-time?
NEW JERSEY:
What do you mean? Seriously? Do you have an opening?
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Uh huh. Can you sing?
NEW JERSEY:
A little. Yeah. I can dance...
Cut to desert. Crew mills around while a helicopter lands outside
the blockhouse.
VOICE:
We have Buckaroo descending. We have him on the launch stadium
perimeter.
Interior of blockhouse. The countdown continues.
PROF. HIKITA:
Inertial control positive. T minus five four five. Resume counting.
RAWHIDE walks in.
VOICE:
Hey hey, Rawhide!
VOICE:
Hold up, hold Buckaroo's helicopter!
Cut to outside. BUCKAROO BANZAI, wearing black coveralls and hood and
carrying a battered leather briefcase, is walking towards the jet car.
VOICE:
We are go for launch.
Interior of blockhouse. GENERAL CATBURD, carrying cup of coffee, walks over to
SENATOR CUNNINGHAM.
GENERAL CATBURD:
I'm teeing off in an hour and a half. What's this jalopy supposed
to do, anyway?
SENATOR CUNNINGHAM:
Five hundred miles an hour.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:
Oh, Senator, you're so gullible.
Outside. BUCKAROO BANZAI climbs into jet car, crew member shuts door, passes
briefcase to him through the open window.
VOICE:
Clear the launch grid, please clear the launch grid.
Last-minute checks continue. BUCKAROO BANZAI settles in, places briefcase on
the seat next to him. Cut to interior of the blockhouse.
ED:
HB88, this is Control. Driver's door check secure.
Outside, crew members in flameproof suits lug fuel hoses around.
In the cockpit of the jet car, BUCKAROO BANZAI adjusts various controls.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Control, this is HB88, commander's voice check, over.
ED:
Roger, HB88, read you two two, out.
Shot of jet car's onboard computer display. An outline of the jet car
appears.
COMPUTER VOICE:
...SINED...
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Control, HB88, event timer started, over.
BUCKAROO BANZAI removes overthruster from its padded case.
ED:
HB88, this is Control. APU start is go. You are on your onboard
computer, over.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Roger, I copy.
Outside, a crew member puts air in one of the jet car's rear tires.
VOICE:
Altimeter set, cross-check. Compasses, cross-check.
VOICE:
Reserve brake system two, ah, closed and guarded. Gear handle - down.
In the cockpit, BUCKAROO BANZAI is pressing various buttons on the
overthruster.
VOICE:
Engine start levers - free, closed, and off.
VOICE:
Number four electric hydraulic pump and press - on, and checked.
VOICE:
Parking brake - set, and press checked.
VOICE:
Radios, radar, and transponder - set, and standby.
BUCKAROO BANZAI puts the overthruster into its gimbaled mount.
Indicator lights and the computer display react. Electric motors whine,
and the overthruster mount swivels back and forth.
ED:
HB88, this is Control. IMU alignment in progress. We show 28
degrees, 36 minutes, 30.3 seconds north, 80 degrees, 36 minutes,
14.8 seconds west, over.
BUCKAROO BANZAI puts headband with Japanese characters on over his hood.
VOICE:
Synchro is aligned, out.
ED:
HB88, this is Control. Ground crew secure.
Outside, crew members in flameproof suits give BUCKAROO BANZAI thumbs-up
and move clear of the jet car. The car's jet engine begins to spool up as
BUCKAROO BANZAI dons goggles and helmet and lowers the helmet's visor.
Quick cuts between the flame now shooting from jet car's exhaust and crew
members in the blockhouse.
Interior of blockhouse. Countdown clock on the wall switches from 00:13
to 00:12.
VOICE:
INS RAM coordinates. Form One and fuel ticket?
VOICE:
On board. Circuit breakers?
PROF. HIKITA:
Five, four...
ED:
We have main engine start.
PROF. HIKITA:
... three, two, one...
Outside, the jet car accelerates away from the launch grid. Cut between
exterior of jet car and desert outside reflected in BUCKAROO BANZAI's
helmet visor.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Electro-nuclear carburetion seems fine.
In the blockhouse, SENATOR CUNNINGHAM is waving a hand-held fan.
GENERAL CATBURD:
He's fast, I'll give Banzai that. But one heat-seeking missile
and he's history.
Quick cuts between desert, jet car cockpit, and computer display with
Mach meter rapidly increasing from Mach 0.33 to 0.60.
ED:
HB88, this is Control. APU start is go. You are on your onboard
computer, over.
ED:
They are reading you on the localizer downrange. Looks good, over.
Interior of blockhouse. PROF. HIKITA is excited.
PROF. HIKITA:
Speed steady at C one seven nautical. Four hundred and accelerating!
Cut to jet car leaving trail of dust, then the cockpit.
VOICE:
Horizontal velocity is expanding, over.
The jet car is approaching the end of the course. Cut to RAWHIDE, standing
outside speaking into a headset.
RAWHIDE:
Five, four, three...
VOICE:
Here he comes!
RAWHIDE:
... two, one...
The jet car swerves to the left suddenly and leaves the course.
VOICE:
Where's he going?
RAWHIDE:
Yeah ha ha!
Cut to shot from a helicopter pursuing the jet car.
CHASE 1:
He is off course. This is Chase One, over. He has broken trajectory.
The cockpit of the jet car begins to fill with smoke, and alarms go off.
VOICE:
...zero cylinder. There is an immediate fire hazard, over.
Do you read?
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Roger.
In the blockhouse, the crew members react.
VOICE:
Advise report, over. Repeat, advise mechanical phase two!
Cut to jet car's onboard computer display, with picture of jet car.
COMPUTER VOICE:
... SEELED ...
Back in the blockhouse, the SECRETARY OF DEFENSE whips off his sunglasses.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:
What the hell's Phase Two?
Jet car cockpit. BUCKAROO BANZAI retains his cool, though alarms are still
sounding.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
That's a big no can do.
VOICE:
Are you decompressing, over?
Blockhouse. Crew members are panicking. PROF. HIKITA calmly uncovers
overthruster indicator box by his control console.
VOICE:
He's broken the sound barrier!!
ED:
Mach 1.3. Buckaroo, do you read? Commence braking procedure, over.
PERFECT TOMMY:
Just be cool. She'll hold.
The jet car is racing across flat terrain towards distant mountains.
VOICE:
Access negative. Pneumatic pressure negative.
CHASE 1:
We are in pursuit. He is gaining, over.
ED:
Eject, Buckaroo! EJECT!
VOICE:
HB88, do you read? Do you read, over?
Quick cuts between exterior of jet car and cockpit. A bright blue beam
of light appears leading from the jet car to the mountain. The overthruster
makes various beeping noises.
The side of the mountain rushes up, and BUCKAROO BANZAI breaks through to the
8th dimension.
In the blockhouse, GENERAL CATBURD pounds on a computer console while
PROF. HIKITA calmly watches his overthruster status display, which now
reads "CROSSOVER".
VOICE:
Hotel Bravo eight eight, do you read, over?
VOICE:
What is going on?
Helicopter shot of tire tracks ending at mountainside.
CHASE 1:
This is Chase One. We got his tracks, they go right up to a wall
of rock! Holy shit!
8th dimension sequence continues. Lots of blue flashes and rapidly
moving electron micrographs of radiolarians, protozoa etc.
Something hits the jet car and BUCKAROO BANZAI's helmet comes off.
Cut to cliff. Blue beam bursts through, followed by the jet car.
BUCKAROO BANZAI begins braking procedure. Smoke thickens in the cockpit, and
he fans it away with his hand.
Helicopter shot of the jet car decelerating.
CHASE 2:
This is Chase Two, Chase Two. We see him, we see him.
In the blockhouse, the SECRETARY OF DEFENSE looks surprised as various crew
members cheer. PROF. HIKITA is ecstatic.
VOICE:
Chase Two reports a visual, one hundred miles off course.
Helicopter shot of jet car as a bright red drag chute deploys.
VOICE:
He's gone through it! He's gone through the mountain!
As the jet car slows to a stop, BUCKAROO BANZAI opens the driver's side window
and bails out. He falls to the ground and rolls.
VOICE:
There is a minimal disturbance in the local magnetic field. He is OK.
The vehicle is hot but we show no radioactivity, over.
BUCKAROO BANZAI picks himself up and strips off his hood. The jet car has
stopped, with white smoke pouring from the cockpit.
VOICE:
... aberrations on the windshield, we are getting a localized
vibration off the drive train, and a minor oil leak.
Buckaroo, can you verify operational capability?
BUCKAROO BANZAI walks cautiously up to the jet car.
ED:
HB88, this is Control. We are reading an electrical field aberration
nine, nine, three, on your windshield. Static and fractured. Can
you confirm, over?
Crackling noises and ominous music as BUCKAROO BANZAI scoops up transparent
slime from the jet car's windshield.
ED:
HB88, do you read, over? We are getting a localized vibration on
the driveshaft, can you confirm, over?
BUCKAROO BANZAI crawls under the car to look at the driveshaft.
ED:
HB88, rendezvous in ten minutes, over.
Under the car, BUCKAROO BANZAI pulls an alien lifeform off of the driveshaft.
Cut to DR. LIZARDO's room at the Trenton Home for the Criminally Insane.
Closeup of DR. LIZARDO's face as he stares at his TV. Camera pulls back to
show his room, then cuts to the TV. BUCKAROO BANZAI and the Hong Kong
Cavaliers are being interviewed.
ANCHORWOMAN:
There it is. Tire tracks, right up to a wall of rock. Perfect Tommy,
Rawhide, Reno, you guys are the Hong Kong Cavaliers. Buckaroo's most
trusted inner circle. Could you elaborate on that device, I believe,
dubbed, the umm... oscillator...
PROF. HIKITA:
Oscillation overthruster.
Cut back to DR. LIZARDO.
DR. LIZARDO:
Hikita! Dat little Asian critter!
DR. LIZARDO rummages through the junk scattered around his room. He pulls
a bag out from under his bed, and removes a peculiar device from it. He
straps the device to his wrist, clips a wire from it to his earlobe, and
attaches another wire ending in a clamp to his tongue.
TV VOICE:
... the sound barrier broken, and then the dimension barrier. It was,
said Buckaroo Banzai, exactly like Professor Hikita had glimpsed,
in 1938, through the overthruster he and Dr. Emilio Lizardo put
together from spare parts in a laboratory at Princeton. 1938.
Can you imagine what it must have been like then... then... then...
DR. LIZARDO throws a switch on the device. A nimbus of miniature lightning
bolts surrounds his head, and the scene fades...
...into a flashback to PROF. HIKITA and DR. LIZARDO's laboratory, 1938.
A long track runs the length of the room, ending at a wall. A sled-like
vehicle rests at the other end of the track. The room contains lots of
low-tech lab equipment with flashing neon tubes, Jacob's Ladders, etc.,
all making various electrical buzzing and humming noises. DR. LIZARDO
and two assistants are preparing the sled, while PROF. HIKITA works at the
other end of the track. DR. LIZARDO pours shot glasses of liquor and passes
them out to the assistants.
ASSISTANT:
Molto grazie, Dr. Lizardo.
PROF. HIKITA picks up megaphone, yells from the other end of the room.
PROF. HIKITA:
Almost ready, Dr. Lizardo. Almost.
DR. LIZARDO and the assistants raise glasses, drink a toast to success.
A massive relay closes, and a bright blue beam of light shoots from the sled.
PROF. HIKITA is still making final adjustments. DR. LIZARDO climbs onto
the sled, settles into the seat. He kisses a picture of the Madonna and Child
that is mounted on the instrument panel.
Meanwhile, PROF. HIKITA is absorbed in final checks. He makes a chalk mark
on the wall where the blue beam hits. PROF. HIKITA looks back, sees
DR. LIZARDO is already on the sled.
PROF. HIKITA:
No, not yet.
PROF. HIKITA waves desperately at DR. LIZARDO.
PROF. HIKITA:
No!
Cut to sled. DR. LIZARDO crosses himself and puts leather helmet on.
PROF. HIKITA runs to his control panel, hoping to stop DR. LIZARDO.
PROF. HIKITA:
No, not yet! Not yet! I'm not ready!
DR. LIZARDO ignores PROF. HIKITA, and slams a lever home. Large spark as
contacts close and the sled begins to accelerate down the track.
DR. LIZARDO grins maniacally as the sled picks up speed. It passes PROF.
HIKITA, who looks alarmed. PROF. HIKITA is holding something - probably a
crucial component of their primitive overthruster that was overlooked.
The sled approaches the wall at high speed. DR. LIZARDO dives forward at
the wall just before impact. He penetrates halfway - his legs are visible,
kicking frantically.
ASSISTANT:
He did not go through the wall!
PROF. HIKITA looks into scope, sees blurry humanoid figures struggling with
something in the 8th dimension.
PROF. HIKITA:
Holy Toledo!
The two lab assistants run to the other end of the lab and haul DR. LIZARDO
out of the wall. DR. LIZARDO is hunched over, clutching his head.
DR. LIZARDO:
Agghhh.... ughhh... ahh ahh ahhh....
DR. LIZARDO wrenches the helmet off and straightens up. His hair is standing
on end. Something is clearly very wrong.
PROF. HIKITA:
Emilio?
DR. LIZARDO:
Muhhhh?
DR. LIZARDO lets out an inhuman scream, grabs the two assistants, and bashes
their heads together. They fall. He screams again, runs for a fire exit,
and flings the door open. He pauses and glares back over his shoulder
at PROF. HIKITA, then escapes.
Dissolve back to DR. LIZARDO's room. He shuts off the device.
TV VOICE:
Asked what he saw, and where he went, Dr. Banzai replied, "Vast
caverns of hissing swamp, spurts of flame, huge thunderclaps,
and gurgling rock formations."
DR. LIZARDO has an idea. He scuttles over to the wall and takes some notes
out of his pocket.
PA VOICE:
Lithium is no longer available on credit.
DR. LIZARDO frenziedly scribbles equations on the wall.
DR. LIZARDO:
G sub e... Jesu Christo! Make the ganglia twitch!...
We're home free... home... home is where you wear your hat!
I feel so break up, I wanna go home!
HOSPITAL GUARD enters. He is carrying a large box.
HOSPITAL GUARD:
Hello, Doc. Who are we today? Albert Einstein?
DR. LIZARDO:
Lord John Whorfin. If there's one thing I hate, it's to be
mistaken for-a somebody else.
HOSPITAL GUARD:
Aw, cheer up, Lizardo. It's Friday. Got another care package
from your yoyo friends.
HOSPITAL GUARD puts box down. DR. LIZARDO pulls crumpled bills from a pocket
and tips him.
DR. LIZARDO:
Eyy, senor... grazie.
HOSPITAL GUARD:
Thanks, Doc.
He begins to unplug the television.
HOSPITAL GUARD:
I've come for your TV - the thing uses too much juice. Another
ten thousand kilowatts again this month. Beats me how an old
homicidal loony can use that much power.
DR. LIZARDO has opened the box. It's full of junk food.
DR. LIZARDO:
Go on, take it. I don't-a need it. Tomorrow... I'm-a going home,
with my overthruster.
HOSPITAL GUARD:
Heh heh. That's terrific, Doc. I'll make sure you get an
early wake-up call. Heh heh heh.
He takes television and walks away.
DR. LIZARDO:
Laugh-a while you can, monkey-boy!
That evening, backstage at a club, somewhere in New Jersey.
The Hong Kong Cavaliers are preparing to go onstage.
PROF. HIKITA is with them.
PROF. HIKITA:
Buckaroo, I've done a spectographic analysis on the specimen you
pulled off the jet car driveshaft.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Uh, Rawhide, you're keen on bugs, what do you think?
ARTIE DUNCAN, the manager of the club, enters. He is wearing a fedora, plaid
sportcoat, and lavender tie.
ARTIE DUNCAN:
I don't care if you walked through a mountain in Texas. This is
New Jersey, and when you... when you play my joint, you're just
another act. I want some _music_ outta you characters.
RENO NEVADA:
You want it, Artie? You got it.
Drums start as the Hong Kong Cavaliers take the stage. Cheering, whistles,
and applause from the crowd.
PERFECT TOMMY:
Let's rock 'n' roll!
PA VOICE:
... The one, the only, the amazing Buckaroo Banzai and his
Hong Kong Cavaliers!
The crowd cheers. Horns join the drums. Various shots of Hong Kong
Cavaliers playing instruments. The music rises to a crescendo, and
BUCKAROO BANZAI launches into a guitar solo. Quick shots of people in the
crowd dancing. BUCKAROO BANZAI finishes guitar solo, picks up a cornet, and
plays another solo. BUCKAROO BANZAI kicks a mike stand, which falls into his
hand. He is just about to sing when he suddenly freezes. The band abruptly
stops playing.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
'Scuse me. Excuse me. Ah, is someone out there not having a
good time?
Cut to crowd. They are mystified.
CROWD:
Noooo! (assorted yells)
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Is, ahh... is somebody... is somebody crying?... out there in the
darkness? Somebody crying?
PENNY PRIDDY is visible, sitting alone at a table.
PENNY PRIDDY:
(sobs) Me... I'm sorry...
Long shot of stage. Crowd members are looking back at PENNY PRIDDY, wondering
what's going on.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Ummm... could we... could we get her a mike? And a spotlight?
Uh, Tommy, could we, uh, could you give her your mike?
PERFECT TOMMY:
Are you serious?
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Yeah. Give her your mike.
(to PENNY PRIDDY)
What's your name?
PENNY PRIDDY:
Who cares?
The crowd is getting fed up with the delay.
DRUNK:
Right!
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
(sympathetically)
I care. What's your name?
Close up of PENNY PRIDDY. She is wearing a short pink dress and blue gloves.
Her makeup is smeared. She has obviously been crying.
PENNY PRIDDY:
Penny.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Did you say "Peggy"?
PENNY PRIDDY:
Nooo...
(sobs)
My name's Penny. Penny Priddy...
But it doesn't matter, it's not important.
(She tries to smile.)
I just... I just sponged up a little too much Vat 69, that's all.
(laughs, turns into sob)
I'm down to my last nickel in this lousy town. And they wouldn't
even take my luggage in hock.
(sobs)
And I lost my room at the Y this morning.
CROWD:
Ooooh! Wow! Somebody get her a violin! (etc.)
PENNY PRIDDY:
(collects herself)
But it's cool.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
(to crowd)
Hey, hey, calm down. Don't be mean. We don't have to be mean.
'Cause, remember, no matter where you go..... there you are.
PENNY PRIDDY seems to cheer up slightly as BUCKAROO BANZAI walks over to piano,
sits down, and begins to play.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
I'm gonna sing this song for you, Peggy...
PENNY PRIDDY:
(her face crumples, and she sobs again)
No, _Penny_ ....
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
... and anyone else out there who's lost someone.
PENNY PRIDDY picks up a pint bottle of whiskey, drinks.
PENNY PRIDDY:
Who cares.
Scattered applause from the crowd as BUCKAROO BANZAI starts to sing.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
I don't have plans or schemes
And I don't have hopes and dreams...
The song is not helping. PENNY PRIDDY is crying again.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
I... don't have anything...
PERFECT TOMMY:
This is weird.
RENO NEVADA:
Sure is.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
...Since I don't have you...
Cut to PENNY PRIDDY, who is mouthing the words to the song.
The Hong Kong Cavaliers join in, playing softly.
RAWHIDE:
Who's the girl?
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
And I don't have fond desires
And I don't have happy hours...
Shot of couples in the crowd looking at each other lovingly.
Cut to PENNY PRIDDY, looking determined. She has pulled a small automatic
pistol from her handbag and is bringing it up to her head.
Her hand is trembling.
Cut to BUCKAROO BANZAI, still singing.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
And I... don't have anything...
Since...
Back to PENNY PRIDDY. She is staring at BUCKAROO BANZAI while pointing the
pistol at her temple, steadying it with her other hand. She is about to pull
the trigger when a passing WAITER bumps her arm.
The gun fires into the ceiling.
Screams from the crowd. Cut to stage, where everybody in the band is pulling
guns and cocking them. The drummer stands up and produces an Uzi from
somewhere.
PENNY PRIDDY is frantically trying to hide her gun.
Two BOUNCERS appear and grab her.
PENNY PRIDDY:
Let me go!
Band members aim guns at PENNY PRIDDY from the stage as she struggles with
the BOUNCERS.
PENNY PRIDDY:
No! No! Let me...
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Wait! Wait a minute!
RAWHIDE:
Kill that spot! Kill it!
The Hong Kong Cavaliers rush BUCKAROO BANZAI offstage. Several of them hang
back to cover the crowd with their guns.
Next day. At the Trenton Home for the Criminally Insane, the HOSPITAL GUARD
is sitting at a desk watching TV. DR. LIZARDO comes down the hall and
reaches for a wall-mounted telephone. He is wearing a military greatcoat
with medals on the front, and dragging a large suitcase.
HOSPITAL GUARD:
Where do you think you're going, Doc? The moon?
DR. LIZARDO:
No. Planet Ten.
DR. LIZARDO takes the phone off the hook.
HOSPITAL GUARD:
Oh, Planet Ten. Why, pray tell?
DR. LIZARDO:
(on phone)
Operator!
HOSPITAL GUARD:
Doc, put down the phone.
DR. LIZARDO:
Operator! I wanna make a call to Mr. John Bigbooty, at-a
Yoyodyne Propulsions-a Systems, over in Grover's Mill. And you
tell him that it's John Whorfin calling. That's W-H-O-R-F-I-N,
you got that, honey? John! J-O-H-N!
The HOSPITAL GUARD looks annoyed. He turns off the TV and gets up.
HOSPITAL GUARD:
This better be collect, Doc.
DR. LIZARDO grabs the HOSPITAL GUARD by the neck and lifts him off his feet.
He twists the HOSPITAL GUARD's head to the side.
Snapping sound as his neck breaks.
DR. LIZARDO:
Bigbooty!... Of course it's me, you fool, who do you think?
The time has come, Bigbooty. Prepare for my return!...
Well, haven't you heard? Don't you watch-a TV? Banzai and Hikita
have done it! They have opened the window!
DR. LIZARDO has dropped the HOSPITAL GUARD's corpse on the floor, and is
fishing through his pockets looking for keys.
DR. LIZARDO:
Si. Meet-a me at the factory. And get their overthruster!
And Hikita, too! Sure, alive...
No, no. Don't worry about me. I'll get my own ride.
DR. LIZARDO unlocks the door. Near it, an INMATE is playing an arcade-style
Buckaroo Banzai video game.
VIDEO GAME:
(beeps) Evil will not prevail.
DR. LIZARDO pauses, nods to the inmate, then sees the video game. He rips
something off the front panel, and the game dies as sparks shower from
the back. DR. LIZARDO leaves.
DR. LIZARDO:
We return to Jersey, yah hah hah...
Exterior shot of BUCKAROO BANZAI's black and yellow double-decker tour bus on
the highway. Cut to interior. PERFECT TOMMY is looking at a newspaper.
The headline "Mystery lady opens fire - Buckaroo unhurt" is visible over a
photo of PENNY PRIDDY.
PERFECT TOMMY:
Spittin' image.
RENO NEVADA:
Doesn't look anything like her, I think.
PERFECT TOMMY:
Pictures don't lie.
RENO NEVADA:
Hell they don't... met my first wife that way.
PERFECT TOMMY:
Well, it's Peggy to these eyes. It's the same nose, the same hair...
BUCKAROO BANZAI is kneeling on the floor, holding a samurai sword.
He bows to a small shrine on the wall.
PERFECT TOMMY:
Plus, Buckaroo has to think so too, or else he wouldn't be ready to
make a fool of himself.
BUCKAROO BANZAI gets up, puts the sword in a rack on the wall. RAWHIDE enters.
RAWHIDE:
Just off the World Watch Wire, Buckaroo. Thought you'd wanna be
notified. Remember that old Eyetalian pal of the professor's?
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Emilio Lizardo.
RAWHIDE:
Yeah. Well, last night he kills a guard and breaks out of the
Trenton Home for the Criminally Insane. Ten minutes later he
cops a Maserati Bora?... Totalled it, a block away.
RENO NEVADA:
Holy moly.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
A Maserati Bora.
RAWHIDE:
Mm-hmm. That ain't all. He's vanished. Thin air.
PERFECT TOMMY:
Doctor Lizardo. Wasn't he on TV once?
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
You're thinking of Mr. Wizard.
RENO NEVADA:
This man's a top scientist, dummkopf.
PERFECT TOMMY:
So was Mr. Wizard.
RAWHIDE:
Dr. Lizardo's a raving lunatic, Perfect Tommy. A vicious psychopath.
Just as soon kill you as go fishin'.
Exterior of bus, still speeding down the highway. Cut to communications
center inside. Two RADAR BLAZES wearing headsets and Team Banzai jumpsuits
are monitoring banks of electronic equipment.
RADAR BLAZE 1:
Buckaroo. Look at this.
RADAR BLAZE 2:
Looks like a normal high-altitude electrostatic disturbance moving
down over Connecticut.
RADAR BLAZE 1:
From the jet car, do you think?
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
No... Not from the jet car. Check with NORAD Command. Could be
above-ground atomic testing in China, maybe sunspot activity...
Man, that's strange.
Exterior of the New Brunswick Police Station. NEW JERSEY is standing
outside, wearing flashy Western duds and a large white cowboy hat. He
tunes a portable radio sitting on top of a pair of saddlebags.
RADIO:
Scientists at the Strategic Space Command have detected a strange
radioactive cloud-like mass over southern New England. Sources close
to the National Security Committee have refused to comment. Now
let's get back to three great modern country hits in a row...
The bus pulls up. BUCKAROO BANZAI, RENO NEVADA, and PERFECT TOMMY exit the
bus and walk up to NEW JERSEY.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Sidney.
NEW JERSEY:
Buckaroo!
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
How's the patient?
NEW JERSEY:
Oh, fine, he's doing fine, thanks to you. But more importantly,
congratulations! You drove through a mountain!
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
I did.
NEW JERSEY:
You drove right through a mountain the other day! You did it right...
You left me at the operation, you hadn't even said anything about
it, you didn't even mention that you were gonna do it...
BUCKAROO BANZAI interrupts NEW JERSEY.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Sidney, these are my friends... this is my colleague, Dr. Sidney
Zweibel, old medical friend from Columbia P & S.
RENO NEVADA:
Howdy.
NEW JERSEY:
How dee do.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Listen, Sidney, I'm glad you could make it, because it looks like
we may need an extra hand sooner than I thought.
NEW JERSEY:
Ah hah. I see. An extra hand. Yeah, I mean, that's what I was
wondering about. I got your message about rendezvousing at this
address, but I barely had time to pack my saddlebags, then I came
here...
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Yeah, I can see that. Well, I'm gonna snoop around. Make yourself
at home.
BUCKAROO BANZAI enters the police station. NEW JERSEY turns to the others.
NEW JERSEY:
Okay. Ahh... you know, I thought we were gonna rehearse or something.
Uh... You know, I'm a big fan of all you guys. I love the comic
books, the records... I know you, you're Pecos.
PERFECT TOMMY:
(offended)
Perfect Tommy.
NEW JERSEY:
Perfect Tommy... I'm sorry. You're... you're Pecos.
RENO NEVADA:
Pecos is in Tibet. Name's Reno.
NEW JERSEY:
Heh... Reno. It's an honor.
PERFECT TOMMY:
Where do ya hail from, Doc?
NEW JERSEY:
Ah, New Jersey. Fort Lee.
RENO NEVADA:
Where're your spurs at?
NEW JERSEY:
(to PERFECT TOMMY) What, is he making fun of me?
Interior of the police station.
A GUARD lets BUCKAROO BANZAI into the cellblock.
GUARD:
Third cell on the left. Pink dress.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Arigato.
BUCKAROO BANZAI walks over to PENNY PRIDDY's cell. She is lying on the bunk.
PENNY PRIDDY:
(angrily)
What do you want? Huh? What are you doing here?
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
What are _you_ doing here?
PENNY PRIDDY:
Why don't you just go away and let me rot?
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Who were you _really_ trying to annihilate last night?
PENNY PRIDDY:
You... just like the papers all say.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Come over here. C'mon.
Cut to PERFECT TOMMY walking down the cellblock. He flinches as a
hand reaches out from one of the cells.
PRISONER:
Oh my Gawwwwd, Perfect Tommy!
PENNY PRIDDY moves up to the bars separating her from BUCKAROO BANZAI.
She is breathing heavily.
PENNY PRIDDY:
What do you want from me?
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Oh... you remind me of someone I once knew, long ago.
PENNY PRIDDY:
Was she... very beautiful?
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
(wistfully)
She was... Queen of the Netherlands.
PENNY PRIDDY:
(smiling slightly)
A long way from where I come from.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Wyoming? Cody, Wyoming?
PENNY PRIDDY:
(surprised)
No... I'm from Laramie... Except that I was born in Cody.
But nobody...
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
You have family? Back in Cody, I mean?
Quick shot of PERFECT TOMMY banging his head gently against the wall as he
realizes BUCKAROO BANZAI has fallen for PENNY PRIDDY.
PENNY PRIDDY:
I don't know. See, I always felt that there was
an.. another part of me somewhere...
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Another part of you.
PENNY PRIDDY:
Somewhere, yeah. I'm... I'm adopted.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Of course!
BUCKAROO BANZAI snaps his fingers and slaps the bars of the cell.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
If it was a snake, it'd have bit me! Another you...
PENNY PRIDDY:
Anything's possible...
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
(turning to PERFECT TOMMY)
Let her out.
PRISONER:
Heyyyy, me too.
PERFECT TOMMY:
Let her out??
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Yeah, let her out. I'll be responsible.
PERFECT TOMMY:
(astonished)
But she's a killer!
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Naw, she's not. And give her your coat.
PERFECT TOMMY:
Why me?
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Because you're perfect.
PERFECT TOMMY mulls this over. He has no choice but to agree.
PERFECT TOMMY:
Ah...
(smiles)
You have a point there.
Later. A hotel conference room. RENO NEVADA, PERFECT TOMMY, the
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE, BUCKAROO BANZAI, PROF. HIKITA, NEW JERSEY, SENATOR
CUNNINGHAM, and PENNY PRIDDY (still wearing PERFECT TOMMY's jacket) are on
stage. JOHN BIGBOOTE, JOHN O'CONNOR, and JOHN GOMEZ are in the audience.
[[SCENE CUT
John Bigbooté is stuffing sugar packets in his suit pocket at the coffee table;
cut to B Banzai & HKC entering the conference room. Cut back and forth between
John O'Conner, John X and John Bigbooté and HKC's sitting down;
Buckaroo introduces Penny to Hikita; Hikita hands Buckaroo a newspaper
with Lizardo's picture on the front page; Hikita & BB speak, H says, "I can
take care of myself" after Buckaroo warns him]]
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:
I'd like to, ah... move this thing along. Perhaps some of you
noticed, we have a motorcycle convention rolling in here, we're a
little short of time. Besides, I don't imagine you came here to
listen to _me_ talk.
The SECRETARY OF DEFENSE smiles. Nobody laughs at his little joke.
PERFECT TOMMY:
You're right.
Military officers in the audience snicker. The SECRETARY OF DEFENSE angrily
grabs PERFECT TOMMY's mike and unplugs it as PERFECT TOMMY cracks up.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:
Ahhh, without further ado, I'd like to, ah, introduce a young man
who yesterday took our notions of reality and turned them inside
out... Doctor, ah, Buckaroo Banzai. Perhaps you can explain yourself.
The audience applauds. A WOMAN REPORTER ogles BUCKAROO BANZAI as he stands
up to address the press conference.
WOMAN REPORTER:
Oooooh.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Mr. Secretary, Senator Cunningham, members of the world press...
Cut to exterior shot of the BLACK LECTROID command ship in earth orbit.
The BLACK LECTROIDS are eavesdropping on BUCKAROO BANZAI's speech.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Thirty years ago, almost to this day, my mother and father, Drs.
Sandra and Musato Banzai, gave their lives for what was then
considered to be a very insane notion - the possibility of contacting
alien life.
Interior of BLACK LECTROID command ship. The WING COMMANDER is seated,
listening to BUCKAROO BANZAI's speech on a speaker. CREW MEMBERS perform
mysterious tasks in the background.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
However, not on another planet, but here. Maybe right inside this
table. Living on a simultaneous plane of existence with our own.
Conference room.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Perhaps... within a mountain.
Quick shot of JOHN GOMEZ staring at BUCKAROO BANZAI and PROF. HIKITA.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
See this rock? It's solid matter, right? But in point of fact, the
solid parts of this rock, the neutrons, quarks, protons, and electrons
comprise only about _one quadrillionth_ of its total volume.
Cut to NEW JERSEY, sitting next to SENATOR CUNNINGHAM.
He doesn't realize his mike is turned on.
NEW JERSEY:
(to SENATOR CUNNINGHAM) How many zeros is that?
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Quite a few.
NEW JERSEY flinches, smiles guiltily, and covers the mike with his hand.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
The rest of this rock is actually only empty space. So, back in
1937, Professor Hikita here and Dr. Emilio Lizardo
[[REPORTER INTERRUPTS: Excuse me, but is that the same Lizardo that just...
BUCKAROO BANZAI: Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly; the same old ugly snoot you probably woke
up to in this morning's paper... Anyways, Dr Hikita and Dr Lizardo]]
figured that if
solid matter was mostly empty space, then a person should be able
to discover a way to travel _inside things_.
PROF. HIKITA:
We at the Banzai Institute have at last found that way. We have
created a device called an "oscillation overthruster"...
PROF. HIKITA holds up overthruster, which makes beeping noises. JOHN O'CONNOR
stares intently at him from the audience.
PROF. HIKITA:
... which systematically reorders matter by annihilating electrons,
positrons...
Cut to PENNY PRIDDY. She has had a flash of insight.
PENNY PRIDDY:
Oh, oh, I get it! What you're saying is that oppositely charged
particles collide and blow each other up in a burst of energy. Like
a tiny Big Bang, like a... a... a... b-b-Baby Bang!
BUCKAROO BANZAI is impressed. The audience laughs indulgently. PENNY PRIDDY
suddenly realizes she's the center of attention.
PENNY PRIDDY:
Well, I'm, uh, probably just, uh, stating the very obvious.
(angrily, to herself)
Shut UP... shut UP...
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
No, no, it's not obvious at all. If it was obvious, everybody
would be doing it every day.
PENNY PRIDDY gives BUCKAROO BANZAI a worshipful look.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
See, by all accounts, it appears as though I literally went right
through a mountain. But you could take that mountain, and _pulverize_
it...
BUCKAROO BANZAI slams rock down on table.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
... and sift through it like breadcrumbs for the rest of your natural
life, and you would never, ever, find.... THIS.
BUCKAROO BANZAI pulls cover from a large beaker containing the alien thing he
pulled from the jet car's driveshaft.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
And yet, this living organism came from out of that mountain, even
though I was _never_ inside that mountain!
[[PENNY INTERRUPTS: No... you were inside the space that that mountain occupies...
BUCKAROO BANZAI: Precisely correct! And you know what? In a hundred million years from now,
that mountain in Texas might not even be there, but the space will...
HIKITA: Could we have the first slide please?]]
ED comes in, walks up to BUCKAROO BANZAI.
ED:
President's calling, Buckaroo.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
(distracted) The president of what?
ED:
The President of the _United States_.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Oh.
(gives rock to PERFECT TOMMY) Here.
PERFECT TOMMY:
Later.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
So. Where is he?
BUCKAROO BANZAI and ED walk to the other side of the stage, towards the exit.
ED:
Can't tell. It's real fuzzy. I patched him into a pay phone
down the hall.
As they pass behind PENNY PRIDDY, the overthruster beeps again.
PENNY PRIDDY turns around.
PENNY PRIDDY:
Uh, Dr. Banzai, you... you forgot your thruster.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Why don't _you_ hold onto it for a while?
PENNY PRIDDY:
Oh... anytime.
PENNY PRIDDY gazes lustfully at BUCKAROO BANZAI as he leaves the room.
PROF. HIKITA:
Could we have the first question please?
WOMAN REPORTER:
What about the Pentagon?
The SECRETARY OF DEFENSE is not paying attention. PERFECT TOMMY taps him on
the shoulder and he turns back to his microphone.
WOMAN REPORTER:
The possibility of _war_ in the 8th dimension, _Mr. Secretary_?
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:
What???
Cut to service corridor in the hotel. BUCKAROO BANZAI, ED, and NEW JERSEY
are walking towards a phone booth. BUCKAROO BANZAI enters the booth and picks
up the phone.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Mr. President? Some kind of interference... Hello? Mr. President?
On board the command ship, the WING COMMANDER is listening. The BLACK
LECTROIDS have patched into the phone system.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Mr. President, hello? Hello, Mr. President?
Back to phone booth. BUCKAROO BANZAI hears nothing but weird noises on
the phone.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
What's going on?
NEW JERSEY:
Maybe it's a prankster? Some computer whiz kid?
ED:
Not on Elephant Bravo.
NEW JERSEY:
Oh, Elephant Bravo...
ED:
Not with an _Alpha_ clearance.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Hello? Mr...
(to ED) Look, Ed, go back to the bus, and reroute this call
to the President's private suite at Walter Reed Hospital.
RAWHIDE:
Yeah, make sure this is on the level. We're busy people here.
BUCKAROO BANZAI closes the door to the phone booth.
NEW JERSEY:
(to RAWHIDE)
Does the President call him a lot?
Cut to command ship. The WING COMMANDER presses a button.
Phone booth. A spark arcs between the phone handset and BUCKAROO BANZAI's ear.
He grimaces in pain.
RAWHIDE slams the phone booth door open and grabs BUCKAROO BANZAI. Sparks jump
between them and BUCKAROO BANZAI falls to the floor.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Ahhhhh! Let's go [unintelligible]
NEW JERSEY bends down to help BUCKAROO BANZAI.
RAWHIDE:
Don't touch!
NEW JERSEY gets a shock when he touches BUCKAROO BANZAI, who is now
frantically scribbling something on the palm of his hand.
NEW JERSEY:
What's he writing?
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
CONFERENCE ROOM!
Cut to interior of command ship. WING COMMANDER is still eavesdropping.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Conference room! Let's go!
WING COMMANDER:
Launch thermopod.
A CREW MEMBER presses a button. Exterior shot of ship as the thermopod
separates from it and descends towards Earth.
Conference room. BUCKAROO BANZAI appears at exit and stares at the audience.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
There they are.
VOICE:
Dr. Banzai?
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Don't you _see_ them?
RAWHIDE:
Whaddaya mean? Who?
BUCKAROO BANZAI points accusingly at JOHN O'CONNOR and JOHN GOMEZ. He can see
through their human disguises.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
EVIL! Intruders from the 8th dimension! Get 'em!
JOHN O'CONNOR and JOHN GOMEZ freeze for a second, then jump up.
BUCKAROO BANZAI runs towards them.
PERFECT TOMMY, on stage, pulls gun and jumps over table onto the floor.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Lectroids! GET 'EM!
Audience panics. JOHN BIGBOOTE appears onstage and grabs PROF. HIKITA by
the neck, menacing the others with an Uzi.
PENNY PRIDDY, behind him, takes and hides the overthruster.
JOHN BIGBOOTE:
Okay, wise guy!
JOHN BIGBOOTE shoots RENO NEVADA, who falls.
JOHN BIGBOOTE:
Drop those gunbelts, hit the floor! Nobody follows, or the Prof is history!
JOHN BIGBOOTE drags PROF. HIKITA off the stage. Nobody can stop him,
since he's holding the Uzi to PROF. HIKITA's head.
NEW JERSEY and PENNY PRIDDY rush to help RENO. BUCKAROO BANZAI follows
the RED LECTROIDS down the service corridor, out ramp to the street,
where motorcycles are being unloaded from a truck. He sees them throw
something into the back of a van and speed away.
BUCKAROO BANZAI hesitates, then commandeers one of the motorcycles.
EXHIBITOR:
Hey, wait a minute! You can't ride that!
BUCKAROO BANZAI starts the motorcycle and pulls away in pursuit of the van.
EXHIBITOR:
It's Buckaroo Banzai!
Shots of van. Screeching tires, etc.
Service corridor. PERFECT TOMMY is looking for BUCKAROO BANZAI.
Suddenly RAWHIDE appears around a corner. They point guns at each other.
PERFECT TOMMY:
Halt!
RAWHIDE:
Freeze!
BUCKAROO BANZAI on motorcycle. He's lost the van. He makes a wide circle
in the middle of the road, then continues on.
Somewhere out in the wilds of New Jersey. Two hunters, BUBBA and BURT,
are slogging through the brush with a dog.
BUBBA:
Had my eyes open all day long, bro.
BURT:
It may not be a total loss.
BUBBA:
Well, I'm about ready to go home and do some grazing.
BURT:
We might see something.
BLACK LECTROID thermopod appears behind them, flies low overhead. They
both fire at it with shotguns. It weaves wildly, then dives into the
trees some distance away. The hunters set off after it.
BUBBA:
I hit it! It... it's wounded!
BURT:
What'd it look like to you?
BUBBA:
Like a big black flyin' dinosaur.
BURT:
Dinosaur???
BUBBA:
That's what it looked like.
BURT:
It was purple.
BUBBA:
Black.
BURT:
Well, it'll be dark before we even _find_ it.
Yoyodyne van. JOHN BIGBOOTE is driving, and JOHN GOMEZ is monitoring a radio.
JOHN BIGBOOTE:
We'll get Professor Hikita to cough up the crucial missing circuit,
and then we'll _finally_ get our butts off this rock!
JOHN GOMEZ:
Oh yeah? Listen to this!
JOHN O'CONNOR is drinking fluid from a battery with a straw.
JOHN O'CONNOR:
What is it? What IS it?
JOHN BIGBOOTE:
Black thermopod emergency beacon.
JOHN O'CONNOR:
Here? On Earth? Why? John Bigboote, why?
[[JOHN BIGBOOTÉ: John Whorfin. They must have heard he escaped.
What's the location? Give me a fix!]]
JOHN GOMEZ:
Co-ordinates established! Electromagnetic energy, back on Route 3!
JOHN BIGBOOTE does a bootlegger's turn. Clouds of smoke from the van's tires
as it accelerates in the opposite direction.
The van rounds a curve. Suddenly BUCKAROO BANZAI is in front of them, on the
motorcycle. JOHN BIGBOOTE swerves and the van clips the back end of the
motorcycle, which careens off the road into the woods. The van speeds away.
[[SCENE:
Back at the conference room, Penny is tapping out, "Since I don't Have You"
on the piano into the silence. Perfect Tommy glances at her over the newspaper.]]
It is now dark. The hunters are in a swamp. Their dog senses something and
barks.
BURT:
Whole top of that tree's squashed.
BUBBA:
You think it's up _there_? Let's wait for the cops, Burt!
BURT:
What for? You scared? Gotta be something there.
BUBBA:
C'mon, Burt, there's nothing up there!
BURT:
Well, how do _you_ know? Here, hold this. Hold this!
BUBBA:
Where you going? Where you going???
BURT is searching the ground with his flashlight.
BURT:
Christmas shopping.
BUBBA:
What's that?
BURT:
A _stick_. What's it look like? Give me some light, willya?
BUBBA:
I got two guns in my hands.
BURT:
Well, put one of them down.
BUBBA:
I ain't puttin' the guns down!
BURT:
It's just a tree.
BUBBA:
Then leave it alone!
BURT pokes at the tree with his stick. Suddenly there's a brilliant flash
of light and a shower of sparks.
BUBBA:
See? I told ya! I told ya! Leave it alone!
A huge spherical object falls out of the tree.
BUBBA:
Run! Run! Run!
It rolls towards them as they back away.
BURT:
Shoot it, Bubba! Shoot it!
BUBBA:
I can't! I can't! It's jammed! It's jammed!
The thermopod stops rolling and a hatch on top opens.
BURT:
There's something... there's something coming out!
BUBBA:
Where?
BURT:
Out of the top! Oh, my soul.
A dreadlocked BLACK LECTROID, wearing a plaid suit, emerges from the hatch.
BURT:
Throw me my gun, Bubba. Throw it!
BUBBA throws the gun wildly. There is a splash as it lands in water some
distance away.
BUBBA:
Sorry...
JOHN VALUK is now standing on top of the thermopod. Suddenly he
loses his balance and falls, striking his head on a rock.
BUBBA and BURT examine him.
BUBBA:
Is he dead?
BURT:
Yeah, I think so. Yeah. But look at his face! It's changing!
BUBBA:
And his hair... his hair's all disappearing. What's that
smell - you smell electricity?
In the foreground, a pink cake box on a string is being lowered from the
top of the thermopod.
BURT:
It's crackling. And we're standing in water.
BUBBA:
What is it, Burt? Is he radioactive?
The cake box touches the ground. JOHN PARKER jumps from the thermopod and
lands next to it. BURT and BUBBA don't notice.
BURT:
How the hell do I know? Do I look like a nuclear genius?
It's prob'ly from Mars. Or Jupiter.
JOHN PARKER sneaks away into the woods.
BUBBA:
Jupiter?! I hope he's alone. Burt, there's something over there.
BURT:
Where?
BUBBA:
Right there. What is it?
BURT cautiously picks up a comic book the first BLACK LECTROID dropped.
BURT:
Buckaroo Banzai. It's the latest issue.
Cut to BUCKAROO BANZAI, in the woods. He was apparently knocked out in the
motorcycle crash and has just come to. He pulls out a walkie-talkie.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Rawhide, come in. Rawhide... Rawhide.
Cut to RAWHIDE, with another walkie-talkie.
RAWHIDE:
Buckaroo. What's up? Where in Hades are you? I'm gettin' a lot
of static here.
Back to BUCKAROO BANZAI.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Yeah... yeah. That's me. I've been ionized, but... ah, I'm OK now.
Listen, I'm, ah, switching on the homing beacon. Mark two minute
intervals... now.
RAWHIDE:
Look, uh... we've got the overthruster, but somebody shanghaied
the Professor right from the press conference.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Ohhh... the deuce you say.
RAWHIDE:
Who do you think?
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Dr. Lizardo, maybe?
RAWHIDE:
Yeah, I'd put money on it.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
That crate...
RAWHIDE:
What crate?
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
The crate they shipped in that van. You and the guys go back to
the house, and dig up everything you can on an outfit called
Yoyodyne Propulsion Systems. You got that?
RAWHIDE:
Right. Yoyodyne. We're on it.
[[RAWHIDE: Yeah, alright.]]
Back in the swamp. A HIGHWAY PATROLMAN is dragging the corpse of JOHN VALUK
out of the water. Now that he's dead, he no longer looks human.
HIGHWAY PATROLMAN:
Hand me that tarp, willya? Let's cover this guy up.
BUBBA:
_Guy_? What guy? He's got _paws_.
The Yoyodyne van arrives.
BURT:
_Now_ what?
BUBBA:
Who're they?
HIGHWAY PATROLMAN:
Cover it up.
The HIGHWAY PATROLMAN turns towards the van as JOHN BIGBOOTE, JOHN O'CONNOR,
and JOHN GOMEZ walk up.
JOHN BIGBOOTE:
John Bigboote, Officer. Head of Operations, Yoyodyne Propulsion
Systems. One of our birds.
HIGHWAY PATROLMAN:
Yeah? That fellow over there one of your birds too?
JOHN BIGBOOTE:
The 'droid, you mean?
HIGHWAY PATROLMAN:
Doesn't look like anything I've seen before. I mean, I've seen
'droids in space movies...
JOHN O'CONNOR is standing next to BUBBA, lighting his pipe.
He smiles strangely at BUBBA.
JOHN O'CONNOR:
Nice night, huh?
Shot of BUCKAROO BANZAI on motorcycle. Somehow, he has found the crash site.
Cut to others standing around the body of JOHN VALUK as BUCKAROO BANZAI
sneaks up to the van.
BURT:
That big thing over there _attacked_ me.
JOHN BIGBOOTE:
Impossible. No, no no no no no no.
BURT:
Yeah! It's some kind of creature! There's part of it, still
stuck in the tree.
BUBBA:
It's a machine with thirty-foot leather wings, and _I_ think it's
radioactive.
Commo center on BUCKAROO BANZAI's tour bus. Shot of computer monitor displaying
a map of New Jersey. There is a flashing circle between East Brunswick and
Trenton indicating the position of BUCKAROO BANZAI's homing beacon.
PERFECT TOMMY:
Three minutes since he last moved. This is a fix.
Something is happening.
RAWHIDE:
Awright. Let's get somebody over there.
Al, you set up the grid and, uh, get the last known coordinates.
Tommy, you help on the Marconi, and see if we got any Blue Blaze
within a ten-minute radius, but no strike teams, Tommy, understand?
All right, I'm headed downstairs. Keep everybody calm.
[[SCENE: AT CRASH SITE
JOHN O'CONNOR: THREE-man thermal pod!
COP: Thermal pod?
JOHN BIGBOOTÉ: Very TS- Top Secret! Right, John O'Conner?]]
Interior of Yoyodyne van. BUCKAROO BANZAI is prying the lid off a crate
with a crowbar.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Ah, Hikita-san.
PROF. HIKITA:
Buckaroo!
BUCKAROO BANZAI reaches for PROF. HIKITA to help him out of the crate.
An electric arc jumps between them and BUCKAROO BANZAI falls backwards.
Commo center on bus. PERFECT TOMMY is working the radio.
PERFECT TOMMY:
Repeat. Intrastate outward band five. Coded.
Calling all Blue Blaze Irregulars in the Garden State.
Cut to SCOOTER LINDLEY in his bedroom. The walls are covered with Buckaroo
Banzai posters. He is wearing a Junior Blue Blaze Irregular uniform.
PERFECT TOMMY:
Buckaroo in trouble. Will repeat coordinates.
SCOOTER LINDLEY picks up microphone.
SCOOTER LINDLEY:
This is Scooter Lindley, Junior Blue Blaze Irregular 41 1/2. Hang on!
Exterior shot of CASPER LINDLEY's gas station.
SCOOTER LINDLEY dashes out the door.
SCOOTER LINDLEY:
Dad! Dad! Buckaroo's in trouble!
CASPER LINDLEY:
Say what?!
Interior of van. PROF. HIKITA is still crouched in the crate.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Aliens from the 8th dimension... I'm seeing them now.
PROF. HIKITA:
You can see them now? Here?
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Here. The three jerks driving this van.
BUCKAROO BANZAI holds up his right hand, with formula written on it.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Look at this. What is this?
PROF. HIKITA:
(puzzled) It... it's your _hand_, Buckaroo.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
No, no, it's a... formula, it's an antidote of some kind. Whoever
it was in that phony phone call from the President gave me
information. It's some... some electrochemical message that
allows me to see what they _really_ are.
PROF. HIKITA:
What _are_ they?
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Lectroids, from Planet Ten, by way of the 8th dimension.
Crash site. The HIGHWAY PATROLMAN gives JOHN GOMEZ his wallet back.
HIGHWAY PATROLMAN:
Mr. Gomez.
JOHN GOMEZ:
We've got a truck on the way to help mop things up.
HIGHWAY PATROLMAN:
Identification?
JOHN GOMEZ:
This place's become a zoo, not to mention a haven for gawkers.
HIGHWAY PATROLMAN:
Now wait a minute. Just a second. Stay put, all of you.
JOHN BIGBOOTE is standing next to the thermopod.
JOHN BIGBOOTE:
Sure thing. We'll just go ahead and start breaking it down.
HIGHWAY PATROLMAN:
(angrily)
Don't touch it! I got my own help on the way. Now, that's
an order.
The HIGHWAY PATROLMAN walks away.
JOHN BIGBOOTE:
(to JOHN GOMEZ) Go find something to crack it open.
Interior of van.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
There's a Harley in those bushes. I want you to get on it,
go back to the laboratory, and start working on this formula.
I want you to synthesize it.
BUCKAROO BANZAI starts to leave.
PROF. HIKITA:
Buckaroo! _Give me_ the formula.
BUCKAROO BANZAI pauses, then licks his hand and presses it against
PROF. HIKITA's forehead. Buzzing noise and a flash as the formula is
stamped on PROF. HIKITA's skin.
BUCKAROO BANZAI's house. MRS. JOHNSON is sitting at a desk near the
front door opening mail. The doorbell rings. MRS. JOHNSON opens the door.
MRS. JOHNSON jumps, RENO NEVADA catches her with one arm.
His other arm is in a sling.
MRS. JOHNSON:
Oh, wow. Peggy!
RENO NEVADA:
She's not Peggy, Mrs. Johnson; [unintelligible FR] mon ami, you know what I mean.
MRS. JOHNSON:
No... of course not. How could she be.
RAWHIDE:
Any word from Buckaroo?
MRS. JOHNSON:
No. I thought he was with you guys.
RAWHIDE:
Naw, he's not. Uh, Dr. Zweibel, Penny Priddy, this is Mrs. Johnson.
NEW JERSEY:
Nice to meet you. The fellows, uh, call me New Jersey.
They head upstairs. PENNY PRIDDY hesitates, then follows them.
MRS. JOHNSON intercepts her and blocks her way.
PENNY PRIDDY:
Well, where are _they_ all going?
MRS. JOHNSON:
Bunkhouse. Off limits.
[[SCENE: Bunkhouse... HKC's enter; BILLY TRAVERS is sitting at the computer.
BILLY: Hi fellahs. Laying down some background vocals tonight?
RAWHIDE: Oh, I wish life was so simple, Billy.
Rawhide walks to desk and begins sifting through papers.
RAWHIDE: You remember that outfit that the Justice Department was checking into last year?
BILLY: Which one?
RAWHIDE: Yoyodyne Propulsion Systems
BILLY: Y-O-Y-O-D-Y-N-E, the big space and weapons high-tech facility.
Liason on the delivery of the new Tundra line.
All gather around Billy's terminal.
PERFECT TOMMY: Don't be so laconic, Billy. Buckaroo's orders. We gotta break into
their databank and attack their system. You up to it?
BILLY: I'm a little short-handed tonight; my phone phreaks are in town at
the big ice-cream social.
PERFECT TOMMY: What does that mean?
NEW JERSEY: So we'll help; let's get cracking.
BILLY: Who're you?
NEW JERSEY: Sidney Zw... er, New Jersey.
He shakes Billy's hand]]
Crash site. BUCKAROO BANZAI is watching from behind a nearby tree as
JOHN GOMEZ whacks the thermopod with a stick.
JOHN BIGBOOTE:
Again, John Gomez.
Interior of the thermopod. JOHN GANT watches the wall shake as JOHN GOMEZ
hits it. JOHN GANT seems to have been injured in the crash.
JOHN BIGBOOTE:
John O'Connor, there's a crowbar in the truck.
JOHN O'CONNOR:
I'll get it.
Cut to command ship. They are in communication with the thermopod.
The sound of JOHN GOMEZ pounding on the thermopod wall is audible.
WING COMMANDER:
Destroy yourself, John Gant.
JOHN GANT:
My most profuse apologies to my homeland and loved ones.
John Valuk is dead. He fell on his head. But perhaps John
Parker will get through with our message to Buckaroo Banzai.
Exterior of thermopod. The HIGHWAY PATROLMAN has come back.
HIGHWAY PATROLMAN:
I said, BACK OFF! _Now_, damn it, I mean it!
JOHN BIGBOOTE punches the HIGHWAY PATROLMAN in the head. He falls.
BURT:
Hey!
JOHN GOMEZ elbows BURT in the stomach. He falls.
BUBBA:
Hey, leave him alone!
JOHN BIGBOOTE punches BUBBA.
BUBBA:
Ahhh!
JOHN O'CONNOR has crept up on BUCKAROO BANZAI from behind.
JOHN O'CONNOR grabs his shoulder.
JOHN O'CONNOR:
Easy, friend. Why, it's Buckaroo Banzai.
BUCKAROO BANZAI kicks JOHN O'CONNOR in the groin. He doubles over in pain.
JOHN O'CONNOR:
Ohhhhh... HEY! IT'S BUCKAROO BANZAI! GET HIM!
BUCKAROO BANZAI runs. JOHN BIGBOOTE and JOHN GOMEZ start after him.
JOHN BIGBOOTE:
Hustle up!
BUCKAROO BANZAI stops at a fence at the edge of a road. Behind him there
is an explosion as the thermopod blows up. JOHN BIGBOOTE and JOHN GOMEZ are
close behind. BUCKAROO BANZAI sees headlights of a truck approaching, flags it
down, and suddenly realizes a RED LECTROID is driving.
Ominous music as BUCKAROO BANZAI flees from the truck. Just as it is about
to run him over, a rope ladder appears from nowhere.
BUCKAROO BANZAI grabs it and is lifted into the air.
The truck skids to a stop.
Cut to shot of a helicopter climbing away as BUCKAROO BANZAI hangs on the
ladder. The helo has a PA system.
SCOOTER LINDLEY:
Scooter and Casper Lindley, Blue Blaze Irregulars, at your
service, Buckaroo.
The helicopter flies away as the RED LECTROIDS look annoyed.
Outside the wall of BUCKAROO BANZAI's house. PROF. HIKITA rides up to the
gate on the motorcycle. Two Buckaroo Banzai FANS are taking pictures
of each other and the house.
FEMALE FAN:
It _is_. It is Professor Hikita!
GUARD:
Please stand back. We're closing the gate.
Inside, PROF. HIKITA yells something in Japanese to the guards.
[[CUT BACK AND FORTH FROM OUTSIDE THE GATE TO THE PROF AND GUARDS.
Cut to PINKY CARRUTHERS, on the phone outside the gate.
PINKY: Prof just rolled up; said he was going to the Lab, and do not disturb.
cut to
RENO, his shoulder in a sling, on the phone with PINKY.
RENO: any sign of Buckaroo and that chopper?
cut to:
BUNKHOUSE, and scene cuts of everyone walking around the place, thinking.]]
Cut to the bunkhouse. NEW JERSEY is playing a piano while BILLY TRAVERS
and RAWHIDE are at a computer terminal, trying to log on to the
Yoyodyne computer system.
RAWHIDE:
We gotta have _something_ for him. Try a new cipher.
NEW JERSEY plays a final chord on the piano and stops.
RAWHIDE looks over at him.
RAWHIDE:
Try a... _G_ cipher.
BILLY TRAVERS:
G cipher. (types) There.
The login attempt succeeds.
RAWHIDE:
Ahhh. That's more like it.
BILLY TRAVERS:
Looks like we've accessed their restricted data file. Could be
_highly_ revealing.
RENO NEVADA:
No sign of Buckaroo... but the professor just rode up, saying
something about space monsters and where's the overthruster,
went straight to the lab.
PERFECT TOMMY:
Space monsters, my ass.
Outside. The FANS are cuddling together under a blanket, lying on the
hood of their car. JOHN PARKER rides up on a bicycle.
MALE FAN:
Hey, man, nice jacket.
JOHN PARKER goes up to gate, punches it several times.
MALE FAN:
What's in the big pink box?
PINKY CARRUTHERS sticks his head up over the top of the gate.
PINKY CARRUTHERS:
Hey. Buddy. Can I help you?
JOHN PARKER:
'Ello! Buckaroo Banzai?
PINKY CARRUTHERS:
Are you a messenger? Whatcha got here?
PINKY CARRUTHERS reaches down and takes the cake box.
JOHN PARKER:
No, no, look! Wait a minute! I need see Buckaroo Banzai in person.
My name is John Parker. Identify you self, na?
PINKY CARRUTHERS:
Blue Blaze Irregular, Pinky Carruthers. Sorry, John, everybody
"need see Buckaroo". Later.
PINKY CARRUTHERS disappears behind the gate.
Cut to bunkhouse. RAWHIDE hands the overthruster to somebody.
RAWHIDE:
JL, run this down to the Professor for me. Sounds like he's
gettin' a little nervous.
Shot of computer terminal displaying names from the Yoyodyne personnel database.
BILLY TRAVERS:
This is queer, look.
NEW JERSEY:
What's that? Whaddaya got?
BILLY TRAVERS:
All these people applied for Social Security cards in the same
town in New Jersey on the _exact same_ date.
NEW JERSEY:
(thoughtfully) New Jersey.
BILLY TRAVERS:
Forty-six Yoyodyne employees, Grover's Mill, New Jersey,
eleven one thirty-eight.
PERFECT TOMMY, at another terminal, has called up digitized pictures of
Yoyodyne employees.
PERFECT TOMMY:
I got some pictures, boys.
RENO NEVADA:
It's like a practical joke! Check out these names. John Yaya,
John Parrot... John Bigbooty?
BILLY TRAVERS:
Maybe not. John Nolan, John O'Connor...
RENO NEVADA:
No way, Jose. John Small Berries?! It's a joke. Maybe that's
what, ah, Buckaroo was talking about, WHEN HE SAID...
NEW JERSEY:
(thinking hard)
No, no, Reno, there are no ages or places of birth. Uh...
Grover's Mill. Grover's Mill... nineteen thirty-eight... why
is that so... familiar?
---------------------------------- CUT HERE ----------------------------------
End of part 1.
---------------------------------- CUT HERE ----------------------------------
PERFECT TOMMY:
They all have the same first name. John, John, John, John, John.
BILLY TRAVERS:
Somebody's playing games here. This is statistically impossible.
NEW JERSEY:
Nahhh... no, no, wait a minute... November 1, uh... October...
thirty days have September, April, June, and November, when the
list is done, all the rest have thirty-one. October 31st.
Uh, Halloween....
(snaps fingers)
Oh! Um... don't you get it? Orson Welles!
BILLY TRAVERS:
You mean the guy from the old wine commercials.
NEW JERSEY:
Halloween. 1938. "War of the Worlds." That fake radio news
broadcast that got everybody scared, thinking that real live
Martians... were landing in Grover's Mill.... New Jersey...
then it all just turned out to be a hoax.
PERFECT TOMMY:
So?
NEW JERSEY:
So... maybe it wasn't a hoax. Or, I mean maybe it _isn't_ a hoax.
Daylight. The Yoyodyne van stops outside the wall, some distance from
the gate. JOHN PARKER is hiding in bushes across the street.
JOHN BIGBOOTE:
If we don't find that overthruster, John Whorfin will have us
for supper.
JOHN GOMEZ:
Who says the damn thing's even here?
The RED LECTROIDS look around, then jump to the top of the wall and down
on the other side. JOHN PARKER stands up, crosses the street. The
RED LECTROIDS run off into a stand of trees inside the compound.
JOHN PARKER jumps over the wall, and is cautiously following them when
he is jumped from behind by two BLUE BLAZE IRREGULARS guarding the compound.
They knock him unconscious.
BLUE BLAZE 1:
Who is he?
BLUE BLAZE 2:
I dunno.
BUCKAROO BANZAI's garage. SAM is working under the jet car.
Suddenly a tiny model of the JetCar rolls down the ramp and knocks over a large
water cooler bottle. SAM gets up.
SAM:
(annoyed)
All right, who's the wise guy?... I _said_, who's the wise guy?
JOHN BIGBOOTE pops up and spits something at SAM. The impact throws SAM
across the garage.
Shot of CASPER LINDLEY's helicopter landing in the Banzai compound.
Back in the garage, JOHN BIGBOOTE tries to open the jet car's door.
JOHN BIGBOOTE:
It's locked.
He pokes around the jet car.
JOHN BIGBOOTE:
John O'Connor, smash the window.
JOHN O'CONNOR:
Why me, John Bigboote?
JOHN BIGBOOTE hands JOHN O'CONNOR a wrench.
JOHN BIGBOOTE:
It might be booby-trapped.
JOHN O'CONNOR:
Oh.
JOHN O'CONNOR smashes the jet car's window.
[[SCENE:
In the Lab, HIKITA is laboring over the formula given to him by BUCKAROO BANZAI.
HIKITA:
Information... somehow somehow a life form based not on carbon... or electric
(unintelligible)... but still, knowledge...]]
Front hall. MRS. JOHNSON is at her desk. BUCKAROO BANZAI and the LINDLEYS
burst in.
MRS. JOHNSON:
Buckaroo!
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Mrs. Johnson, this is Casper and Scooter Lindley. Is Hikita-san
here yet? Where's the overthruster? Where's Penny?
MRS. JOHNSON:
The Prof is in the, ah, lab with the overthruster. Penny's in
the right-wing guest room.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Good.
MRS. JOHNSON:
Everybody's safe and sound.
BUCKAROO BANZAI and the LINDLEYS head for the stairs. They meet RENO NEVADA,
NEW JERSEY, and RAWHIDE coming down.
RENO NEVADA:
They're Lectroids, Buckaroo.
NEW JERSEY:
Planet Ten.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Planet Ten? How do you guys know that?
RAWHIDE:
It's all in the yellow record. Come on.
RENO NEVADA:
Heyyy, Casper Lindley!
CASPER LINDLEY:
Reno.
They go upstairs.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Yellow record?
PERFECT TOMMY:
However, they didn't come here on a non-stop flight. They blasted
through the 8th dimension in 1938, over in Grover's Mill.
NEW JERSEY:
Where there was a huge electrical dimensional accident, some
giant explosion, and they _hypnotized_ Orson Welles into covering
it up, so first he says there's an invasion from Mars, but then
he says no no no, it was just a radio show hoax. Get it?
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
No.
PERFECT TOMMY:
Let's go.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Orson Welles?? What about Yoyodyne? What about Dr. Lizardo?
NEW JERSEY:
That's what we're trying to tell you.
RENO NEVADA:
There's _someone_ living inside him!
They go down the upstairs hall to the bunkhouse.
BILLY TRAVERS:
Here, y'all put these on. There's one in the box, one over there...
BILLY TRAVERS distributes lectroid goggles. They all put them on.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
What's this?
RENO NEVADA:
It came with the record. It's like a 3-D type thing.
RENO NEVADA is preparing the BLACK LECTROID message device.
PINKY CARRUTHERS:
How was _I_ supposed to know he came from outer space? This
Rasta guy pedals up to the front gate and delivers it all in a
pink _cake_ box.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Why? What's it for?
NEW JERSEY:
We don't know. It wouldn't tell us. It wants to talk to
the head honcho.
RENO NEVADA:
Lights!
They turn the lights off. A column of light appears from the device, and
resolves into the image of JOHN ENDALL, a dreadlocked woman
in a silver uniform.
JOHN ENDALL:
Salutations, great Buckaroo Banzai. I am John Endall, from
Planet Ten. A common grave danger confronts both our worlds.
After a bloody reign of terror...
MRS. JOHNSON enters. She squints, trying to see what's going on.
MRS. JOHNSON:
Hey, what _is_ that?
RAWHIDE puts a pair of the goggles on MRS. JOHNSON.
JOHN ENDALL:
... the hated leader of our military caste, the self-proclaimed
Lord John Whorfin, a bloodthirsty butcher even as your Hitler...
MRS. JOHNSON:
Oh, wow...
JOHN ENDALL:
... was overthrown by freedom-loving forces, tried, and condemned,
along with several hundred of his followers, to spend eternity
in the formless void of the 8th dimension. Death was deemed...
[[ALT DIALOGUE:"... too good for their ilk."
BILLY: Who's Penny?
TOMMY: Well, where is she?]]
RAWHIDE:
(to MRS. JOHNSON) Did you tell Penny Buckaroo was looking for her?
MRS. JOHNSON:
I looked in her room, she wasn't there.
JOHN ENDALL:
... too good for them.
BILLY TRAVERS:
Who's Penny?
RAWHIDE:
Well, where is she?
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Will everybody please _shut up_ so I can hear the rest of this thing?
JOHN ENDALL:
Now, you, Buckaroo Banzai, have unintentionally _helped_ John
Whorfin with your oscillation overthruster. For our intelligence
warns us he intends to _steal_ your overthruster. If he should
attempt this, we will have _no choice_ but to disrupt world-wide
electronic communications, and fire a particle beam weapon from
your airspace to Smolensk, in the Union of the Soviet Socialist
Republics.
PERFECT TOMMY:
(alarmed)
That's an action the Kremlin would most certainly misinterpret
as an American first strike! They're already a little trigger-
happy as it is!
[[ALT DIALOGUE:
JOHN EMDALL:
Exactly, Perfect Tommy! The Soviets _will_ retaliate! And your President Widmark
will launch a mass counterforce strike. And within twenty minutes, the danger to
Planet Ten will be removed.
ALL Look around
JOHN EMDALL:
But... because we're good guys... we're giving you a chance to save your planet.]]
JOHN ENDALL:
Stop... John... Whorfin... before sun... set! If you fail, we
will be _forced_ to help you destroy yourselves.
RAWHIDE:
I'll tell you, if it ain't one thing, it's another.
PINKY CARRUTHERS:
I know.
JOHN ENDALL:
(sternly) End of discussion.
NEW JERSEY:
Discussion?! What discussion?
The message ends and the image of JOHN ENDALL fades out.
CASPER LINDLEY:
She gotta be kiddin', right? Vaporize the whole damn _planet_?
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
You wanna roll those dice, Casper?
CASPER LINDLEY:
No... no-ho-ho, no, no. Not me, man. No way.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Gents... we're going to Yoyodyne.
Rawhide, see how Hikita-san's coming with that formula.
RAWHIDE:
Right.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Billy, tell Sam to prep the jet car for city driving.
PERFECT TOMMY:
What about a Blue Blaze strike team?
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Naw, we'll keep it intimate. Call the Kolodny brothers, call
the Rugsuckers.
PERFECT TOMMY:
Where're you going?
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Get my guns.
BUCKAROO BANZAI's bedroom. PENNY PRIDDY is hiding in the bathroom.
BUCKAROO BANZAI pokes around, looking for his guns.
[[ALT: penny's line out]]
PENNY PRIDDY:
Okay, okay, I'm a girl. I won't deny it. I sneaked into
your bedroom, I invaded your privacy, I went through all
your personal belongings...
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
(frustrated)
Ohhh... MRS. JOHNSON! I can never find anything around here.
[ALT penny's line out]]
PENNY PRIDDY:
... I took a bath!
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Penny, what's your problem?
[[ALT DIALOGUE:
PENNY:
Where did you get that picture of us?
BUCKAROO looks at a picture of him and Peggy on the table.
PENNY: I mean, that can't really be me, right? Unless it was taken in the 8th dimension.
Who is she? Who am I? What am I doing here?]]
BUCKAROO BANZAI has found his guns. He pulls a holster from a cabinet.
[[ALT: penny's line out]]
PENNY PRIDDY:
Me! You! That picture! I think I'm going crazy... Who's that
girl, Buckaroo? What's going on around here? You drag me out
of jail, you're... you're like Jerry Lewis, you give me hope to
carry on, but... then you leave me in the lurch while you strap
on your six-guns! What do you want from me, Buckaroo? Who am I?
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Near as I can figure, you had an identical twin sister... and I
married her...
PENNY PRIDDY slowly opens the bathroom door and looks at BUCKAROO BANZAI.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
... but that's all over now, and she's gone, and that's
about all there is for me to say about that...
A laboratory. PROF. HIKITA and an ASSISTANT are bending over a large
Erlenmeyer flask full of bubbling green liquid.
PROF. HIKITA paces, deep in thought, while the ASSISTANT watches.
PROF. HIKITA:
Don't know what to expect here... all the standard pictures...
it's producing a magnetic force... No, no, I'm wrong!
Suddenly JOHN BIGBOOTE appears behind the ASSISTANT. He throws him to the
floor and spits a dart into him. The ASSISTANT yelps.
PROF. HIKITA grabs the overthruster and escapes.
Hall outside the lab. RAWHIDE is patrolling. He spots JOHN BIGBOOTE
leaving the lab and chases him.
[[SCENE: PENNY and BUCKAROO are in the bedroom.
PENNY: Where is she?
BUCKAROO: She's dead. Murdered. A Present from Hanoi Xan.
PENNY: Hanoi Xan. The Boss of the World Crime League. The guy in the comic books.
BUCKAROO: No (slowly)... not the guy in the comic books...
BUCKAROO spins the chamber on his gun.
BUCKAROO: A guy out _there_...
BUCKAROO waves his pistol barrel...]]
BUCKAROO BANZAI's bedroom. BUCKAROO BANZAI and PENNY PRIDDY are gazing
into each other's eyes. PENNY PRIDDY slowly moves towards him.
PENNY PRIDDY:
Ohhhh, tell me I'm dreaming...
They are about to kiss when PENNY PRIDDY touches BUCKAROO BANZAI's hand.
There is a bright blue spark as PENNY PRIDDY is shocked.
PENNY PRIDDY:
OWWW!
She shakes her hand, obviously in pain.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Sorry, I'm _sorry_, I got...
PERFECT TOMMY bursts in on them.
PERFECT TOMMY:
Buckaroo! Sorry... Sam's dead.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Sam?
PERFECT TOMMY:
Someone broke into the jet car. Things are going haywire
over at the lab.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
(to PENNY) Wait here, I'll be right back.
PENNY PRIDDY:
Uh...
In the lab. BUCKAROO BANZAI bends down over the body of the ASSISTANT.
RENO NEVADA:
Holy...
BUCKAROO BANZAI pulls a Lectroid dart off the ASSISTANT's neck.
RENO NEVADA:
He's dead.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Spread out. They can't be very far off.
They rush into the hall.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Okay, Tommy, check the biomedical labs. Reno, you take the physics
wing. Jersey, go with Reno.
NEW JERSEY:
Where're you going?
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Engineering.
They separate. As PERFECT TOMMY and NEW JERSEY move off, NEW JERSEY is
pointing his gun at the ceiling.
PERFECT TOMMY:
Cowboy!
NEW JERSEY:
What?
PERFECT TOMMY:
Hold the gun in front of you, man.
NEW JERSEY:
Oh, I see... okay. It's... okay.
BUCKAROO BANZAI goes down a corridor. An alarm is sounding. He passes a
file cabinet with one drawer open and the files inside burning.
BUCKAROO BANZAI enters a room, discovers RAWHIDE struggling
with JOHN BIGBOOTE.
RAWHIDE:
Buckaroo, behind you!
BUCKAROO BANZAI shoots at JOHN BIGBOOTE, misses.
JOHN BIGBOOTE spits at RAWHIDE and escapes through a window.
BUCKAROO BANZAI grabs RAWHIDE, eases him to the floor.
RAWHIDE:
(in pain) Ooooh....
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
You... you okay?
RAWHIDE:
(with difficulty)
Yeah... yeah, just... get my breath... the Professor went down...
into the purification vent. He's got the overthruster...
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Great.
BUCKAROO BANZAI exits through the window.
Meanwhile, NEW JERSEY and RENO NEVADA are searching another lab. They pass
racks of equipment, including a large watermelon clamped into some sort of
apparatus.
NEW JERSEY:
Why is there a watermelon there?
RENO NEVADA:
I'll tell you later.
Shots of BUCKAROO BANZAI cautiously searching dimly-lit corridors and
PROF. HIKITA down in the basement, searching for a way out.
Cut to PENNY PRIDDY descending stairs to the basement.
PENNY PRIDDY:
Buckaroo? Rawhide? Anybody?...
Shot of JOHN BIGBOOTE in basement, looking for PROF. HIKITA.
PENNY PRIDDY enters a room. There is a barrier down the center.
PROF. HIKITA is on the other side, trying to unlock a gate in the barrier.
PENNY PRIDDY gasps in surprise when she sees PROF. HIKITA.
PROF. HIKITA:
Here, young lady. The overthruster...
JOHN BIGBOOTE is outside the room. He begins to pound on the door on
PROF. HIKITA's side. PROF. HIKITA takes the overthruster out of its case
and slides it under the barrier to PENNY PRIDDY.
PROF. HIKITA:
Put it in your purse.
JOHN BIGBOOTE breaks the door open. PENNY PRIDDY takes the overthruster
and runs. PROF. HIKITA is trapped against the barrier.
PROF. HIKITA:
Nooo!
JOHN BIGBOOTE grabs him.
JOHN BIGBOOTE:
Where's your overthruster, LITTLE MAN?
BUCKAROO BANZAI appears at the end of the hall.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Hikita-san!
BUCKAROO BANZAI shoots at JOHN BIGBOOTE, misses, and drops to the floor.
JOHN BIGBOOTE spits at BUCKAROO BANZAI, likewise misses, turns, and runs.
PENNY PRIDDY rounds a corner at the bottom of the basement stairs and runs
into JOHN O'CONNOR. He smiles strangely.
JOHN O'CONNOR:
Nice morning, huh?
PENNY PRIDDY gulps.
BUCKAROO BANZAI and PROF. HIKITA chase JOHN BIGBOOTE, but are blocked by a
metal door. JOHN BIGBOOTE has torn a small hole in the door and escaped.
Back in the lab where RAWHIDE was hit, PERFECT TOMMY and NEW JERSEY are
trying to help him.
RAWHIDE:
It's just like my legs are asleep, know what I'm saying?
PERFECT TOMMY:
What the hell is _wrong_ with him?
NEW JERSEY:
I dunno. I dunno.
(to RAWHIDE)
Are you _cold_?
BUCKAROO BANZAI and PROF. HIKITA enter.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
(to RAWHIDE)
What're you still doing on the floor, pal?
RAWHIDE:
Well, I think it's 'cause I can't move my legs.
NEW JERSEY examines RAWHIDE, pulls something off his back.
RAWHIDE:
Ooooh! Damn.
RAWHIDE:
What is it, Apache?
NEW JERSEY:
Radioactivity...
RAWHIDE:
Ohhh, spiders... so I was right, huh?
PINKY CARRUTHERS enters, escorting JOHN PARKER.
PINKY CARRUTHERS:
We got the guy, Rawhide. Saw him in the hall, and...
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
(to JOHN PARKER)
Any antidote for these things?
JOHN PARKER:
Nooo, not at all.
JOHN PARKER squashes the spider-thing on the floor.
PERFECT TOMMY:
So, that mean you're on our side?
JOHN PARKER:
That's right.
RAWHIDE:
Ohhhh... oh, man... those things pack a mean wallop, uh?...
RAWHIDE looks around. He is fading fast.
RAWHIDE:
What're y'all lookin' at?... We're on the clock, saddle up, huh?
RAWHIDE's eyes close and he dies.
Sound of a helicopter taking off outside. They run to the window.
CASPER LINDLEY:
Hey, man, they're stealin' my helicopter!
RENO NEVADA:
They got Penny!
PROF. HIKITA:
She... she has the overthruster!
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
We'll get it back! We'll get it back.
Later, in PRESIDENT WIDMARK's hospital room. PRESIDENT WIDMARK is
strapped into some kind of rotating frame, surrounded by medical equipment.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:
It's... it's not Buckaroo Banzai _per se_, Mr. President.
It's his _men_. Foreigners, some of them! Or their names have
been changed. Their _true_ backgrounds are shrouded in secrecy!
Now, all I'm saying is that this jet car belongs in the hands
of Defense. I mean, uh... if the Banzai Institute doesn't want
to sell it to us, then we're gonna have to _take_ it from them!
In, uh, the national interest, of course.
Somebody knocks on the door.
PRESIDENT WIDMARK:
Come in.
SMIRNOFF:
Excuse me, Mr. President. World Watch One, direct incoming
transmission.
SMIRNOFF wheels a videophone into the room, turns it on.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Hello, Mr. President. I know your back is killing you,
but, uh, I have a developing situation here and I must speak frankly.
PRESIDENT WIDMARK:
Buckaroo, ahh.... Secretary of Defense McKinley and my National
Security Advisor Smirnoff are... visiting me, but I have no secrets
from them.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Well, something has reared its ugly head in outer space, Mr.
President, and it looks like the Earth is caught in a crossfire.
We have reason to believe that there are _vicious red aliens_
walking freely among us. Posing as the owners and operators of
Yoyodyne Propulsion Systems.
PRESIDENT WIDMARK:
Ahh... Yoyodyne Propulsion, ahh... the people working on
our Truncheon bomber?
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:
(shocked)
In the hands of _foreign nationals_?!?
[[ADDITIONAL DIALOGUE:
BUCKAROO: No, no, not exactly, Mr Secretary; Red Lectroids from Planet 10
led by Lord John Whorfin. And what they're building... forget the Truncheon
bomber; what they're building is an enormous...]]
WIDMARK: slow down buckaroo; we go back a long way together, but...]]
JOHN PARKER appears next to BUCKAROO BANZAI on the screen.
JOHN PARKER:
Excuse me, Mr. President. Time is short. In order to prevent
John Whorfin's escape, my comrades are at this moment takin' up
a geostationary position over New Jersey. De situation is explosive!
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:
What the _hell_ is that?
PRESIDENT WIDMARK:
Explosive? What are you saying, man? Some kind of race war
in New Jersey?
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
No, Mr. President, no. This... this _man_, as you call him,
is not a human being at all, but is in fact a Black Lectroid,
named John Parker, from the very same Planet Ten, and his
spaceship is at this very moment anchored above Yoyodyne.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:
Yoyodyne!....
PRESIDENT WIDMARK:
Buckaroo... my good friend...
[[ADDITIONAL DIALOGUE:
JOHN PARKER: Ihave delivered a message from my own Chief Executive, John Emdall,
and she has made it very clear that unless John Whorfin is destroyed before sundown,
she will fire an atomic beam from American airspace, hit Smolensk, and...
WIDMARK: You're quite serious about this, Buckaroo...? I mean, we go way back...]]
Cut to commo center on the bus. NJ is looking into a microscope.
His voice can be heard on the videophone.
NEW JERSEY:
That's it! These red creatures, they somehow give off the
bacteria, we breath it, it swims up our nose... to our cerebral
cortex, where it literally _talks_ to our brain cells, tells
us to see exactly what _they_ want us to see.
PROF. HIKITA:
Electric brainwashing.
Back to hospital room. The PRESIDENT WIDMARK looks mystified.
NEW JERSEY:
... Diabolical. They get us so confused, they...
PRESIDENT WIDMARK:
Buckaroo... I, uh... I don't know what to say. Lectroids?
Planet Ten? Nuclear? Extortion? A girl named John?
PERFECT TOMMY:
Buckaroo! Lectroid Wing Commander.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Excuse me, Mr. President. I have to go talk to the hornets' nest.
JOHN PARKER waves to the PRESIDENT. The transmission ends.
PRESIDENT WIDMARK:
Good God.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:
Well, if it wasn't Buckaroo Banzai, I'd say commit the man.
PRESIDENT WIDMARK:
Get me SAC Headquarters, NORAD, and the Strategic Space Command.
I want some hard data on that cloud. John! Get out in the
field. Stick your beak into this one!
Commo center on the bus. PERFECT TOMMY is staring at a monitor, which is
displaying a picture of the BLACK LECTROID command ship.
PERFECT TOMMY:
What's this thing _made_ of?
RENO NEVADA:
Cobalt, and electricity! They're armed for _bear_, Buckaroo.
A telephone rings.
PERFECT TOMMY:
World Watch One... Buckaroo! It's Whorfin.
BUCKAROO BANZAI turns the speakerphone on so everyone can hear.
DR. LIZARDO:
Dr. Banzai...
Cut to Yoyodyne. DR. LIZARDO is on the phone. Various RED LECTROIDS are
working behind him.
DR. LIZARDO:
Ehh... yes, this is, eh... Emilio Lizardo. Maybe you don't-a
remember me. ... Ah. I'm flattered. Ehhh... we know the
same people!
Shot of PENNY PRIDDY, tied to a chair and gagged.
JOHN O'CONNOR is pouring honey on her from a squeeze bottle.
DR. LIZARDO:
Yeah, in fact, one of them is with me right now. Your, ehh...
associate, Doctor Penny Priddy.
Cut to BUCKAROO BANZAI.
He looks surprised, and covers the mouthpiece of the phone.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Doctor?!?
Back to Yoyoydyne.
DR. LIZARDO:
Ehhh... may I pass along my congratulations for your great-a
interdimensional breakthrough. I'm sure, in the MISERABLE
ANNALS OF THE EARTH, you will be DULY INSCRIBED!
JOHN BIGBOOTE is examining the contents of PENNY PRIDDY's purse.
He hasn't found the overthruster.
DR. LIZARDO:
However, ah, Miss Priddy claims to be unable to solve _my_ problem.
And provide me...
Shot of JOHN O'CONNOR smiling diabolically at PENNY PRIDDY as he shows her
a container of red ants.
DR. LIZARDO:
... with the crucial missing circuit for MY overthruster!
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
(to others) He hasn't found it. He hasn't found it.
DR. LIZARDO:
Maybe _you_ can convince her to TRY. John O'Connor!
JOHN O'CONNOR removes PENNY PRIDDY's gag. DR. LIZARDO holds phone up
to her.
PENNY PRIDDY:
(defiantly)
I'm not worth it, Buckaroo! Forget about me! They'll never
break me! Never!
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Penny, get _off_ the phone. Dr. Lizardo, really, what does
she know about your overthruster? She's not a scientist...
DR. LIZARDO:
Then... shall we say... a _penny_ for your thoughts? Hah hah hah!
PENNY PRIDDY spits at DR. LIZARDO. He takes the phone and sits back down.
DR. LIZARDO:
Maybe _you_ can come in her place, huh? Yoyodyne, Banzai.
You know the address. Come alone. And bring your overthruster!
DR. LIZARDO slams the phone down.
DR. LIZARDO:
He'll come. I know his-a type. TAKE HER TO THE PIT! Go, Bigbooty!
PENNY PRIDDY struggles as JOHN BIGBOOTE and JOHN O'CONNOR untie her and haul
her away.
PENNY PRIDDY:
NOOO!
DR. LIZARDO:
Use more honey! Find out what she knows!
[[SCENE:
PENNY turns
PENNY: Not on your life! You think you' re gonna destroy me like you did my sister!
I know who you are, _Hanoi Xan_!
PENNY is led away.
JOHN WHORFIN: (pondering) Hanoi Xan? Who's that?]]
In the commo center on the bus. Everybody is wearing yellow plastic vests
with hoses and mouthpieces attached to them.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
These breathing devices Hikita-san has cooked up will enable you
to see these beings as they really are, as I've been seeing them
since yesterday. As Lectroids. And to _our_ eyes, they're not
very pretty. Nothing personal, John Parker.
NEW JERSEY looks at JOHN PARKER. He sees a man with dreadlocks. NEW JERSEY
breathes from the mouthpiece.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
If we blow this today, there ain't no tomorrow.
NEW JERSEY looks at JOHN PARKER again. He sees a Black Lectroid.
JOHN PARKER:
We have only two hundred and forty minutes remaining.
NEW JERSEY looks very disturbed.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Right. I'm working under the assumption that Penny still has the
overthruster, but this psycho Whorfin doesn't _know_ that. So
that'll be my job, to get her and it back in one piece. Your
objective is to eighty-six Whorfin. You know your two strike
groups. Apache Group, that's you, Reno; Chapparal Group, that's
you, Perfect Tommy. John Parker, you ride with Chapparal. It's
my guess that no human being has _ever_ been inside the place,
so who knows what we're gonna find there. Top priority is the
overthruster. Without it, Whorfin can't get off this planet.
This homing device will probably make it easy to find.
It may be a lot harder to get back.
PRESIDENT WIDMARK's hospital room. SMIRNOFF is on the phone.
SMIRNOFF:
Strategic Space Command now reports all satellite communication
jammed.
PRESIDENT WIDMARK:
Jammed?! By who? Who by?
SMIRNOFF:
Ah, possible atmospheric conditions, sir. Solar.
SENATOR CUNNINGHAM:
Solar?
SMIRNOFF:
Intelligence confirms that Soviets are having the same problem.
PRESIDENT WIDMARK:
Ahhh... Should we be on _Code Red_?
GENERAL CATBURD:
We go to Code Red, the Russians go to Code Red. No sense going
off half-cocked, Mr. President.
SENATOR CUNNINGHAM:
I don't know, but Buckaroo Banzai has never been wrong before.
GENERAL CATBURD:
The man's been through _solid matter_, for crying out loud! Who
knows what's happened to his brain? Maybe it's scrambled his
molecules! All I'm saying, Mr. President, is let's not _panic_!
Weird electronic noises as the room lights flicker and turn red.
PRESIDENT WIDMARK:
What's happening?
SMIRNOFF:
Uh... electromagnetic pulse, sir. Russians just gone to Defense
Condition Two, sir.
PRESIDENT WIDMARK:
No choice, then.
GENERAL CATBURD:
Mr. President, I am a soldier. And I'm a damn good one. I've
got enough decorations to snap a Christmas tree! All I'm trying
to say is, and I hope I speak for everyone in this room, is that
I am scared. I'm barely holding my... fudge, right now.
Cut to SENATOR CUNNINGHAM. She is disgusted.
SENATOR CUNNINGHAM:
Stop acting like a goddamn schoolgirl, General, and pull
yourself together.
PRESIDENT WIDMARK:
I'm glad _someone_ has the _balls_ to face facts!
[[ADDITIONAL FOOTAGE:
WIDMARK: (mumbling) Forget we're the good guys and we never attack first...
they think we're godless monsters just like them... put yourself in their samovars...
sitting in the dark without radar... no way they're going to listen to _reason_...
CATBIRD goes out of the room to an MP box outside. A DRESS MARINE snaps to attention.
CATBIRD: What are you waiting for, Lieutenant?
DRESS MARINE: NOTHING, SIR!
CATBIRD: Get that thing in here.
DRESS MARINE: SIR, YES, SIR!]]
Staging area.
BUCKAROO BANZAI is preparing to leave for Yoyodyne in the jet car.
PERFECT TOMMY:
Don't embarrass us.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Have I ever?... Gimme thirty minutes, then come in and mop up.
He starts the jet car. It sounds like it needs a new muffler.
Hallway at Yoyodyne. JOHN O'CONNOR is dragging PENNY PRIDDY to the Pit.
She breaks away and runs. Another RED LECTROID appears in front of her
and they grab her. She struggles.
PENNY PRIDDY:
No... oh no!
JOHN O'CONNOR:
I've had ENOUGH of you, Penny Priddy!
They wrestle her to the floor, which is ankle-deep in greenish water.
PENNY PRIDDY:
Nooo!
PRESIDENT WIDMARK's hospital room. MRS. JOHNSON has just finished playing
JOHN ENDALL's message.
PRESIDENT WIDMARK:
Well... Mrs. Johnson, thank you. It's certainly... food for thought.
SMIRNOFF:
No answer at the Kremlin, sir. Just dead silence.
PRESIDENT WIDMARK:
Then, I guess... the moment is upon us.
GENERAL CATBURD:
Here ya go, Mr. President. The Presidential emergency action
documents. For your eyes only. John Hancock these, and Hail Mary.
GENERAL CATBURD hands documents to the PRESIDENT.
SENATOR CUNNINGHAM:
You know... on second thought, maybe we should think this through
a bit more, so that future generations of Americans will...
The lights dim and flicker again. More weird electronic noises.
MRS. JOHNSON:
Oh, wow.
PRESIDENT WIDMARK:
(reading document) Declaration of War - the Short Form.
Road outside the Yoyodyne plant. The jet car pulls up to the gate.
GUARD:
Okay, bring that thing right through the gate. Straight
ahead. Straight ahead.
Interior of the plant. DR. LIZARDO is on a high platform, haranguing
the RED LECTROIDS. He is wearing his greatcoat and medals, and trying to
imitate Benito Mussolini.
DR. LIZARDO:
BLACKS! Are on this planet! HERE! In-a New Jersey! Coming
to destroy us! We must act! ESCAPE, or die! We must-a work
_faster_, to-a finish the Great Vehicle Itself, so that we can-a
enter the 8th dimension, and FREE our trapped comrades, so
we can return home, and seize power once again!
WHAT IS THE GREATEST JOY?
RED LECTROIDS on the floor of the plant are sitting around, eating junk
food and watching TV. They don't seem too excited.
RED LECTROIDS:
The joy of duty.
DR. LIZARDO:
LOUDER!
RED LECTROIDS:
THE JOY OF DUTY!
DR. LIZARDO:
History... is-a made at night! Character... is what you are in
the dark! We must WORK, while the clock, she's-a ticking!
RED LECTROID:
Death to the Black Lectroids!
DR. LIZARDO:
WHERE ARE WE GOING?
The RED LECTROIDS are a little more animated now.
RED LECTROIDS:
Planet Ten!
DR. LIZARDO:
WHEN?
RED LECTROIDS:
Real Soon!
Directed by the GUARD, BUCKAROO BANZAI drives the jet car into the building.
GUARD:
C'mon, bring it over here. This way. _This_ way! Now park it.
BUCKAROO BANZAI climbs out as RED LECTROIDS surround the car.
DR. LIZARDO watches from a catwalk as JOHN GOMEZ searches the jet car.
JOHN GOMEZ:
There's no overthruster! Get him in here.
Get him out of there! I wanna see his face! IT'S NOT HERE!
JOHN BIGBOOTE punches BUCKAROO BANZAI in the stomach.
DR. LIZARDO:
Take him... to the Shock Tower!
Shot of PENNY PRIDDY in the Pit. Sound of water dripping. She is tied to
some kind of frame. A tarantula is crawling up her leg.
Meanwhile, BUCKAROO BANZAI has been put in the Shock Tower. A device is
lowered onto his head.
DR. LIZARDO:
The equations... solve them! Enter your data on this-a keypad.
And they better be right. The Shock Tower... is a lie detector.
Any falsehood triggers a brutal charge to your... auditory meatus.
COMPUTER VOICE:
Open circuit.
DR. LIZARDO:
So??!
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
You're not getting _jack_ from me until you let Penny out of
this junkyard.
DR. LIZARDO:
CURSE-A YOU, BANZAI! Don't you-a realize what you are _saying_?
Your whole planet's gonna be destroyed, and you sit here wasting
time!
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Time? I've got nothing _but_ time.
DR. LIZARDO throws a switch and BUCKAROO BANZAI is shocked.
DR. LIZARDO:
(gloating)
Sealed with a curse as sharp as a knife... Doomed is-a your _soul_,
and damned is your _life_!
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Buh... buzz off.
DR. LIZARDO:
Bigbooty, more... _power_ to him.
JOHN BIGBOOTE:
(annoyed) Bigboo-TAY.
DR. LIZARDO:
I want-a my missing circuit! NOW!
JOHN BIGBOOTE turns the power up.
BUCKAROO BANZAI is shocked again, and screams.
Staging area. PERFECT TOMMY is sitting under a large umbrella outside the
tour bus. A helicopter lands and drops off the SECRETARY OF DEFENSE as
the Rugsuckers' van arrives.
The SECRETARY OF DEFENSE strides up to PERFECT TOMMY.
PERFECT TOMMY:
Is there something I can help you with, John?
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:
Is Buckaroo upstairs?
JOHN PARKER exits the bus, waves to the SECRETARY OF DEFENSE.
JOHN PARKER:
'Ello, Mr. Secret'ry.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:
Where is he?
The SECRETARY OF DEFENSE climbs aboard the bus.
Back to the Shock Tower. BUCKAROO BANZAI has not been cooperative.
COMPUTER VOICE:
That won't work either.
DR. LIZARDO:
Cursed computer!
He stands up and snaps his fingers. A RED LECTROID moves to turn several
TV monitors on.
DR. LIZARDO:
Eyy, Banzai. Take a look at-a your girl friend.
DR. LIZARDO grins, then notices one monitor is blank. He curses in Italian
and switches it on. PENNY PRIDDY is visible in the Pit.
DR. LIZARDO:
She'll-a live, but... only for a while. And she won't-a enjoy it!
Only _you_ can save her from a fate even worse than that-a of your
friend, Mr. Rawhide!
[[SCENE: On the bus:
CATBURD: Anybody got anything? Or are we still blacked out?
NJ: We sit here for 12 more minutes; Buckaroo's orders.
CATBURD: Damn Buckaroo!
CATBIRD grabs a gun from PERFECT TOMMY and leaves the bus]]
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
The missing circuit's in your _head_, Whorfin.
[[MISSING DIALOGUE: According to Peter Weller,
Rick Richter most regretted this dialogue cut:
JOHN WHORFIN: Whorfin? How did you know that was my secret identity?!?
BUCKAROO: John Emdall spilled the beans.
JOHN WHORFIN is shocked in turn.]]
DR. LIZARDO:
Bigbooty... activate your probes!
JOHN BIGBOOTE throws switch. BUCKAROO BANZAI is shocked again.
He grits his teeth.
The tour bus passes a billboard showing a Boy Scout holding a tiny American
flag and saluting the Yoyodyne logo. At the top is the legend "The Future
Begins Tomorrow." At the bottom, it says "A Growing Excited Company."
The bus pulls up to the main gate.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:
Slow this sucker down. I'll handle these birds.
JOHN YAYA:
Whoa!
The bus stops.
The SECRETARY OF DEFENSE jumps off and goes up to the guard shack.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:
You young gentlemen have a telephone in here, ah, you wanna jump on
the horn and get me Mr. John Big Boot?
JOHN YAYA:
Bigboo-TAY.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:
Oh, hell, wanna do _anything_ nowadays, you gotta do it yourself!
The SECRETARY OF DEFENSE storms into the shack. JOHN YAYA follows and grabs
the phone before the SECRETARY OF DEFENSE can pick it up.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:
What is your name?
The SECRETARY OF DEFENSE pulls a notebook out of his pocket. Outside, the
tour bus drives through the gate. The security guards don't notice.
JOHN YAYA:
John Yaya.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:
John Yaya, huh? And you are...
(reads his badge) John Small Berries!
The tour bus pulls to a stop inside the Yoyodyne complex. The door is flung
open and various Hong Kong Cavaliers jump out, brandishing assorted assault
weapons. They cautiously head for the main building. PERFECT TOMMY is in
the lead.
[[many minor cuts were made in the Yoyodyne interior chase and infiltrate scenes;
actually, to the better; it's tighter in the finished form. Some dialogues or scenes
seemed to help support the story; I have included that material.]]
JOHN PARKER:
(pointing) It's down dere.
PERFECT TOMMY:
What?
JOHN PARKER:
I feel it. (He runs ahead.)
PERFECT TOMMY:
Oh. We're not...
They advance past what looks like part of a sewage treatment plant and
enter the main building. Television sets are placed randomly amid
piles of junk.
JOHN PARKER:
It's a nest.
PERFECT TOMMY:
Birds nest. People don't nest.
JOHN PARKER:
(shakes his head) Red Lectroid...
They hear something that sounds like a music box. Moving forward to
investigate, they find a toy carousel. It is turning and playing a little
tune. PERFECT TOMMY thinks it's cute.
BILLY TRAVERS:
Don't touch it. It might be a bomb, man.
PERFECT TOMMY:
Naw... It's a toy.
With a shriek, a RED LECTROID drops onto PERFECT TOMMY's back from overhead.
There is a brief struggle, ending when one of the other Hong Kong Cavaliers
breaks its neck.
Cut to an office in the Yoyodyne building. A GUARD is sitting behind the
desk as the SECRETARY OF DEFENSE strides in.
GUARD:
Sir?
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:
Sit down!
The SECRETARY OF DEFENSE heads down the hall.
GUARD:
Hey, that area's restricted!
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:
Yeah? Not to me!
Interior of the main building. Shots of the Hong Kong Cavaliers covering each
other as they advance. Many RED LECTROIDS are sitting around, oblivious.
PERFECT TOMMY:
What _is_ this place?
JOHN PARKER:
It's a bivouac. They sleep here.
PERFECT TOMMY:
[unintelligible]
JOHN PARKER:
You better believe it.
PERFECT TOMMY:
Lizardo. Which way?
JOHN PARKER:
(pointing) Over dere.
PERFECT TOMMY:
You sure?
JOHN PARKER:
Believe it!
PERFECT TOMMY:
Just hold on a second.
PERFECT TOMMY runs across an open space. In the foreground, several
RED LECTROIDS are watching TV and eating potato chips. JOHN PARKER follows.
PERFECT TOMMY and the rest of Chapparal Group take cover behind a large piece
of machinery on the factory floor. Apache Group rejoins them.
RENO NEVADA:
What's going _on_, man? Where _are_ we?
PERFECT TOMMY:
It's a bivouac, man. They sleep here.
Suddenly, the alarm on PERFECT TOMMY's watch goes off. As he tries to shut it
off, a RED LECTROID hears the beeping, runs to a control panel, and sets off
an alarm. A klaxon sounds, and the Hong Kong Cavaliers turn and fire
at the LECTROID. He is hit, and the control panel explodes in a shower
of sparks.
The Shock Tower room. The klaxon can be heard, and the lights flicker as
the power fails.
DR. LIZARDO:
(panicked) What's happening?
Shot of BUCKAROO BANZAI in the Shock Tower. The probes retract. DR. LIZARDO
and JOHN BIGBOOTE have forgotten BUCKAROO BANZAI as they respond to the
emergency.
DR. LIZARDO:
Bigbooty! Go down to the Pit. KILL THE GIRL!
Factory floor. The RED LECTROIDS are aware of the intruders now, but the
Hong Kong Cavaliers are mowing them down as they attack. Gunfire, RED
LECTROIDS being hit and falling from rafters, etc.
CASPER LINDLEY:
Scooter! Where are you?
Cut to RED LECTROIDS swarming around their ship, elsewhere in the factory.
JOHN BIGBOOTE enters, takes charge.
Shock Tower. DR. LIZARDO fiddles with controls.
DR. LIZARDO:
Eyy! Somebody shut off that gosh-damned klaxon!
He picks up his overthruster and leaves, ignoring BUCKAROO BANZAI who is now
freeing himself from the restraints of the Shock Tower.
PA VOICE:
Work, work, work. There are monkey-boys in the facility.
BUCKAROO BANZAI looks for a way out of the Shock Tower room.
PA VOICE:
You are secure. Do not panic. John Endall must die.
Lord Whorfin must live.
Hallway. The SECRETARY OF DEFENSE knocks on a door. A sign reads
"NOBUDY CUMZ IN HERE - SEKRIT". He opens the door.
PA VOICE:
Work, work, work.
The SECRETARY OF DEFENSE enters a weirdly-lit room containing a maze of
plastic sheeting hanging from the ceiling.
Another hallway. NEW JERSEY staggers down the hall, panting. Suddenly someone
touches his shoulder. There is a bright flash.
NEW JERSEY:
Uhhhh!
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Sorry... I'm sorry, Sidney.
NEW JERSEY:
Buckaroo!
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
It's good to see you, pal. You got a pistol?
NEW JERSEY:
Yeah. (hands revolver to BUCKAROO BANZAI)
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
(pops cylinder, checks to see if pistol is loaded)
What are you gonna use?
NEW JERSEY draws another gun, spins it flashily.
NEW JERSEY:
Where _are_ we?
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
I'd hate to tell you.
NEW JERSEY:
Uh, where're we going?
BUCKAROO BANZAI produces a hand-held direction finder. An illuminated arrow
flashes, and there is a clicking sound a lot like a car's turn signal.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
This way.
BUCKAROO BANZAI and NEW JERSEY move off.
Meanwhile, the SECRETARY OF DEFENSE emerges into the area of the plant where
the spaceship is being completed. Power tools can be heard in the background.
PA VOICE:
Keep your noses to the grindstone. The greatest joy is the joy
of duty. Work, work, work.
The SECRETARY OF DEFENSE stares in disbelief at the giant spaceship.
PA VOICE:
The monkey-boys are evil. Lord Whorfin is supreme.
The SECRETARY OF DEFENSE spots JOHN BIGBOOTE supervising the workers.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:
Big Boot? Big Boot! C'mon a minute, I wanna talk to you!
JOHN BIGBOOTE looks up, surprised.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:
Hey, what the hell's the matter with you? You deaf? I said,
I wanna talk to you!
[[SCENE: CATBURD, following JOHN BIGBOOTÉ, gets entangled in the moving,
rubbery bands of some strange engine]]
JOHN BIGBOOTE turns and leaves through a door marked "PITT".
Dark hallway. BUCKAROO BANZAI and NEW JERSEY advance to an intersection with
another corridor. RED LECTROIDS attack in turn from each of the four
directions and are alternately gunned down by BUCKAROO BANZAI and NEW JERSEY.
They look at each other, and NEW JERSEY blows the smoke from the muzzle of
his gun.
The Pit. JOHN BIGBOOTE and JOHN O'CONNOR are preparing to kill PENNY PRIDDY
as the SECRETARY OF DEFENSE enters.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:
(steps in ankle-deep water) Jeez!
What the HELL is going on here, Big Boot? Where's my bomber?
JOHN BIGBOOTE:
Bigboo-TAY.
John O'Connor, put the Smon on the track.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:
Hey, I don't give a flying handshake WHAT your name is, I'm
here to see a bomber.
The SECRETARY OF DEFENSE stares at PENNY PRIDDY.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:
_This_ sure ain't it.
JOHN O'CONNOR smiles strangely as he puts a slimy alien slug-like thing on a
track that slopes down towards PENNY PRIDDY's head.
JOHN BIGBOOTE:
Let's just go back upstairs to my office. Talk about this like
two reasonable beings.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:
(gestures at PENNY PRIDDY)
Now you listen to me. Your private life, that's your own concern, but
I'm here to see a _bomber_, and I'm damn sure gonna see it _now_!
(points to the water on the floor)
Look... LOOK at this place! Don't you have any PRIDE? It looks like
a goddamn _pigsty_!
JOHN BIGBOOTE grabs the SECRETARY OF DEFENSE's necktie and hoists
him off his feet.
JOHN BIGBOOTE:
It's not my goddamn PLANET, understand, MONKEY-BOY?
JOHN BIGBOOTE drops the SECRETARY OF DEFENSE, who falls to the floor.
JOHN BIGBOOTE:
Let's get out of here, John O'Connor.
JOHN O'CONNOR:
(disappointed)
But John Whorfin _said_ we could kill her.
JOHN BIGBOOTE:
DAMN JOHN WHORFIN AND THE HORSE HE RODE IN ON!
They leave as the alien creature begins to ooze down the track towards
PENNY PRIDDY.
Hallway. A RED LECTROID screams and lunges towards BUCKAROO BANZAI.
A shot rings out and the LECTROID falls. PERFECT TOMMY appears.
PERFECT TOMMY:
You owe me one, bud.
The Pit. The SECRETARY OF DEFENSE comes to. He spots PENNY PRIDDY's purse
and crawls painfully towards it.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:
(gritting his teeth)
It's not over yet... I may be down, but I'm not out.
[[ADDITIONAL DIALOGUE:
CATBURD: I'm not down yet! I'll come out of this smelling like a goddamned rose!
He fondles the Overthruster.]]
He reaches the purse. The overthruster beeps from inside.
Suddenly BUCKAROO BANZAI and NEW JERSEY burst in, and star at the
Smon making its way down the track towards PENNY's face.
NEW JERSEY:
What is THAT?
Don't pick it up! Don't....
There is a high-pitched squeal as BUCKAROO BANZAI sweeps the alien thing off
the track. The SECRETARY OF DEFENSE pockets the overthruster and crawls away
unnoticed as BUCKAROO BANZAI and NEW JERSEY bend over PENNY PRIDDY,
who is unconscious.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Penny...
(He grabs her wrist, feeling for a pulse.)
How's she doing?
NEW JERSEY:
Uhh... I don't know?
PERFECT TOMMY searches PENNY PRIDDY's purse.
PERFECT TOMMY:
There's no overthruster.
JOHN PARKER:
Buckaroo Banzai!
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
What?
JOHN PARKER:
Dere is little time! You better come quickly, if your planet is
still important to you!
BUCKAROO BANZAI is torn between PENNY PRIDDY and the call of duty.
NEW JERSEY:
Leave her to me. You take care of business.
BUCKAROO BANZAI hesitates.
NEW JERSEY:
Go. Go.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Right.
JOHN PARKER leaves, followed by BUCKAROO BANZAI.
Control room. JOHN BIGBOOTE enters. JOHN O'CONNOR is helping DR. LIZARDO
with his coat.
JOHN BIGBOOTE:
Where's Buckaroo Banzai?
DR. LIZARDO:
He has-a flown the coop. Is the girl dead?
JOHN BIGBOOTE:
Yes!
DR. LIZARDO:
Then sound the call to board the ship!
JOHN BIGBOOTE:
(exasperated)
Without the crucial missing circuit, we'll never _make_ it!
JOHN O'CONNOR:
They are only monkey-boys... we can still crush them here on
Earth, Lord Whorfin!
DR. LIZARDO:
Noooo... it's-a time to go home!
John Bigbooty - you carry my overthruster. John O'Connor, _you_
stick-a by my side!
DR. LIZARDO and JOHN O'CONNOR hurry off. JOHN BIGBOOTE is shocked that he is
apparently no longer second in command.
Factory floor. BUCKAROO BANZAI and JOHN PARKER are sneaking towards the ship.
PA VOICE:
The great vehicle itself is now in final boarding state.
BUCKAROO BANZAI sees the ship for the first time.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
What is _that_?
JOHN PARKER:
Is a troop ship. Lord Whorfin....
Cut to the basket of a cherry picker lifting DR. LIZARDO, JOHN O'CONNOR,
and JOHN BIGBOOTE to the ship. DR. LIZARDO spots BUCKAROO BANZAI below.
DR. LIZARDO:
MASSACRE THEM WITHOUT A QUARTER!
RED LECTROIDS attack BUCKAROO BANZAI and JOHN PARKER, and are defeated in
bitter hand-to-hand combat.
Interior of ship. A hatch in the floor opens and DR. LIZARDO is helped inside.
INTERCOM VOICE:
His extreme eminence, Lord Whorfin, is now aboard.
DR. LIZARDO:
Tell the flight attendants to close the doors, and prepare for
cross check!
Factory floor. BUCKAROO BANZAI and JOHN PARKER run towards the ship, gunning
down RED LECTROIDS as they go. They reach some scaffolding, and climb towards
the ship.
PA VOICE:
If you are not inside at this point, you have missed the boat.
Interior of thermopod. BUCKAROO BANZAI and JOHN PARKER climb through
the hatch.
PA VOICE:
We are now go for launch.
They cautiously explore the thermopod. Suddenly the hatch closes, trapping
them inside.
Ship's control room. Frenzied preparations are being made for departure.
DR. LIZARDO:
John O'Connor! Install my overthruster!
INTERCOM VOICE:
... all carry-on baggage overhead and secure.
A RED LECTROID switches the ship to internal power, and lights go on.
Thermopod. BUCKAROO BANZAI and JOHN PARKER can now see the interior.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
What is this?
JOHN PARKER:
It looks like one of our thermopods.
(ominously)
But it's a _very_ bad design.
They experiment with various controls. DR. LIZARDO's voice is heard on
the intercom system.
DR. LIZARDO:
... your tray tables, secure! And your seat backs in the full
upright position!
Ship's control room.
JOHN O'CONNOR:
Your overthruster is in place, Lord Whorfin!
JOHN BIGBOOTE:
(gesturing wildly)
It won't work! IT WON'T WORK!
DR. LIZARDO turns to shout at JOHN BIGBOOTE.
DR. LIZARDO:
SHUT UP, John Bigbooty, you COWARD! You're da weakest individual
I ever knew!
DR. LIZARDO turns back to the controls as, behind him, JOHN BIGBOOTE
gives him the finger.
Meanwhile, the SECRETARY OF DEFENSE is snooping around the jet car, which is
covered in plastic.
SCOOTER LINDLEY:
Get away from that car, or I drink your BLOOD!
The SECRETARY OF DEFENSE looks around, and sees SCOOTER LINDLEY aiming an
M-14 rifle at him.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:
(nervously)
Whatcha got there, son? That's... uh... not _real_, is it?
SCOOTER LINDLEY fires a round at the ceiling. The SECRETARY OF DEFENSE
jumps back.
SCOOTER LINDLEY:
Get 'em up.
Ship's control room. Preparation for launch continues. DR. LIZARDO is
removing his shoes so he can work a set of levers with his feet.
VOICE:
H2 tank pressurization, okay. We are go for launch.
VOICE:
John Many Jars, establish overthruster beam grid, over!
Activate oscillator!
Factory floor. BILLY TRAVERS stares at the ship as three bright blue beams of
light appear and wave around wildly, trying to line up with a grid painted
on the wall.
Control room.
DR. LIZARDO:
John O'Connor! MY OVERTHRUSTER!
He moves levers with his feet.
Exterior. The ship lurches, and begins to move along its track. A few
RED LECTROIDS are still outside.
RED LECTROID:
Don't leave! DON'T LEAVE!
Quick cuts between control room, thermopod, and exterior as the ship
jolts down the track.
RED LECTROID:
NOOOOOO! WAIT!
Thermopod cockpit.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
If they can't connect the dots, they'll never penetrate.
The ship lurches to a stop.
BUCKAROO BANZAI stares as a milky fluid pours through a channel in the
thermopod's cockpit.
VOICE:
... fluid valves now closed. The problem is corrected.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Wh... what _is_ that?
JOHN PARKER:
Is okay. No worry. Is an insulatin' liquid.
Control room. DR. LIZARDO is speaking into a microphone.
DR. LIZARDO:
FULL SPEED AHEAD! And may I remind you, to fasten your-a seat belts,
and esstinguish all smoking materials.
JOHN BIGBOOTE:
We haven't a CHANCE! Your overthruster is SHIT! We'll lose...
DR. LIZARDO:
One more WORD out of you, BigBOOTY...
JOHN BIGBOOTE:
Bigboo-TAY! Tay! TAY!!!
DR. LIZARDO pulls a gun, turns, and shoots JOHN BIGBOOTE.
Cut to thermopod cockpit.
DR. LIZARDO:
(on intercom)
Welcome aboard, Banzai. You're NEXT!
Control room.
VOICE:
Roger, John Mudhead.
DR. LIZARDO:
Let's-a go home.
VOICE:
Horizontal velocity is expanding, over.
Exterior of ship as massive cables begin to drag it down the track again.
VOICE:
The wall is softening.
Thermopod. A cover is removed, and BUCKAROO BANZAI and JOHN PARKER can now
see out the thermopod's windshield. The wall and its grid markings are
coming towards them.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Oh, no.
Quick shots of beams dancing on the grid, DR. LIZARDO's feet frantically
moving controls, the ship accelerating down the track, and the thermopod
cockpit. BUCKAROO BANZAI ducks just before impact.
Exterior of Yoyodyne's main building. A section of the wall crumbles
and debris flies as the ship smashes through the wall. In the control
room, DR. LIZARDO is still manipulating his levers.
VOICE:
Danger, danger. We do not have crossover.
VOICE:
Negative mass is critical.
View of industrial park as the ship accelerates into a climbing turn.
In the BLACK LECTROID command ship, the WING COMMANDER is eavesdropping on
the RED LECTROID's intercom.
RED VOICE 1:
We are not in the 8th dimension. We are over New Jersey.
RED VOICE 2:
All is not lost.
RED VOICE 1:
But we are...
WING COMMANDER:
Stand by to incinerate Smolensk.
Thermopod cockpit. DR. LIZARDO's voice is heard on the intercom.
DR. LIZARDO:
So sorry, gentlemen. But I must-a drop the excess baggage.
The thermopod is jettisoned and drops like a rock.
DR. LIZARDO:
ARRIVIDERCI, BANZAI!
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Where's the power?
JOHN PARKER:
I am a diplomat! I failed flight school!
BUCKAROO BANZAI grabs a cable hanging from the wall.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
What do we do? Jump-start it?
Seconds before impact, he plugs the cable into a panel. Whining noises as
the power comes on, and the thermopod stops falling and hovers. He
experiments with various controls.
Cut to exterior. The thermopod climbs, dives, and turns erratically as
BUCKAROO BANZAI tries to figure out how to fly it.
Back to the cockpit. JOHN PARKER looks very relieved.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
... stabilizers...
JOHN PARKER:
What's dis? (indicating a handgrip and trigger next to him)
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Looks like a gun.
He pulls the trigger. There is a whooshing sound, and a pulsing beam of red
light shoots from the front of the thermopod.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
John Parker, take this wheel.
They switch places.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Just... just hold on... that's good. It flies like a truck.
JOHN PARKER:
Good. What is a truck?
Cut to DR. LIZARDO at the controls of the ship.
VOICE:
Electric beam is fine, Lord Whorfin.
DR. LIZARDO:
Heh heh heh.
Back to thermopod. BUCKAROO BANZAI is studying the weapons panel.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Gotta be something to aim... aim... aim...
JOHN PARKER:
Whoa!
The ship pops out of a cloud directly in front of them, on a collision course.
JOHN PARKER spins the wheel wildly, and they evade the ship just in time. The
thermopod turns to follow it.
Control room.
VOICE:
Thermopod on our tail, over.
DR. LIZARDO:
(hisses)
Banzai! So, you wanna play GAMES, eh?...
Thermopod. Voices from the ship can be heard on a speaker.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Where's the stabilizer?
DR. LIZARDO:
... you wanna play HIDE and SEEK, hanh?
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
All right.
SHIP VOICE:
Commence evasive action, over.
The ship begins to jink back and forth, trying to shake the thermopod.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Okay. Okay. Start left. Go left. More, more, more, more...
left, left... LEFT! I said LEFT!
JOHN PARKER:
This _is_ left!
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
I mean _my_ left! On... go _your_ right!
Control room. DR. LIZARDO kicks levers frantically as the ship tries to evade.
VOICE:
Faster. He is gaining.
DR. LIZARDO:
Feets! Do your stuff!
Back to thermopod. BUCKAROO BANZAI is sighting in on the ship.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Locking, locking now, locking...
SHIP VOICE:
DIVE! DIVE! DIVE!
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
...now, dive, dive, dive, dive, dive...
They dive to follow the ship.
SHIP VOICE:
Repeat, Lord Whorfin! Repeat! DIVE! DIVE!
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Whorfin... Sayonara.
BUCKAROO BANZAI pulls the trigger.
Cut to closeup of DR. LIZARDO at controls.
DR. LIZARDO:
BANZAI!! I'LL SEE YOU IN-A HELL!!!
Back to thermopod. The ship explodes in a massive fireball.
JOHN PARKER:
We got him!
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Go LEFT! Stop!
He grabs controls, stops the thermopod before it flies into the expanding
fireball.
Below, members of Team Banzai look up as the explosion lights up the sky.
Black command ship.
BLACK LECTROID:
John Whorfin... _destroyed_.
WING COMMANDER:
Deactivate particle beam. Tracking zero... zero... zero.
BUCKAROO BANZAI is descending on a parachute. He salutes as JOHN PARKER
hovers the thermopod next to him, then flies away. BUCKAROO BANZAI waves.
Outside Yoyodyne. PERFECT TOMMY and RENO NEVADA run up as BUCKAROO BANZAI
lands next to the building.
RENO NEVADA:
Hah hah!
PERFECT TOMMY:
That was one time I thought you'd bought it.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Yeah, me too. Where's Penny?
PERFECT TOMMY:
At the bus. New Jersey helped me bring her back.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
How is she? Okay?
PERFECT TOMMY:
He said he'd pull her through. Quite a guy, you want my opinion.
Cut to SECRETARY OF DEFENSE and SCOOTER LINDLEY sitting on a bench.
SCOOTER LINDLEY is holding the overthruster and covering the
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE with his M-14.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:
You give me that gizmo, I'll give you a _brand new_ crisp
twenty-dollar bill. Hunh?
SCOOTER LINDLEY grins and shakes his head. The SECRETARY OF DEFENSE takes his
hat off and offers it and the money.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:
All right, I'll tell you what...
BUCKAROO BANZAI, PERFECT TOMMY, and RENO NEVADA walk up.
PERFECT TOMMY:
Hey, Scooter! Fall in.
SCOOTER LINDLEY whips the $20 out of the SECRETARY OF DEFENSE's hand and
pockets it as he stands up. The SECRETARY OF DEFENSE sneaks away.
SCOOTER LINDLEY:
This what you're lookin' for, Buckaroo?
He gives BUCKAROO BANZAI the overthruster.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Scooter...
(looks at PERFECT TOMMY)
You got _his_ job.
SCOOTER LINDLEY:
All right!
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
You wanna ride with me in the jet car?
SCOOTER LINDLEY:
Wow! You know it!... But I have to ask my dad first.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Okay, you ask your dad. I'll wash up.
BUCKAROO BANZAI grins at PERFECT TOMMY and walks away.
PERFECT TOMMY looks upset. RENO NEVADA punches his shoulder.
RENO NEVADA:
Awwwww....
BUCKAROO BANZAI walks up to the bus. NEW JERSEY is standing at the door.
He shakes his head.
NEW JERSEY:
I did all I could.
BUCKAROO BANZAI boards the bus and passes through the commo center.
RADAR BLAZE 1:
Buckaroo, the President's on line 1, calling about is everything okay
with the alien space bomb and Planet Ten, or should we just go ahead
and destroy Russia?
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
(distracted)
Tell him yes on one and no on two.
RADAR BLAZE 2:
Which was yes? The destroy Russia, or the, uh, number two?
BUCKAROO BANZAI ignores him and goes to a bedroom. PENNY PRIDDY is lying on a
futon, completely covered by a white sheet. He whips the sheet away, to reveal
her lying on her back, with her arms crossed.
BUCKAROO BANZAI slowly bends down to kiss PENNY PRIDDY. As he is about to
touch her lips, there is a bright blue flash and a spark jumps between them.
BUCKAROO BANZAI is thrown backwards.
NOVA POLICE officer grins.
BUCKAROO BANZAI sits up, rubbing his face. He looks at PENNY PRIDDY, then
stares in disbelief as her leg moves slightly.
He bends down to kiss her again. Small sparks as their lips touch. He
pulls away as she slowly opens her eyes.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
Careful. You're all right.
Cut to command ship. The BLACK LECTROIDS are eavesdropping as usual.
PENNY PRIDDY:
You look awful, Buckaroo.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
You don't exactly light up a party yourself...
Back to the bedroom.
BUCKAROO BANZAI:
... Penny Priddy.
They embrace, and PENNY PRIDDY pulls him down onto the futon as he closes
the blinds.
WING COMMANDER:
So what. Big deal.
Fade to black.
Title appears.
WATCH FOR THE
NEXT ADVENTURE
OF
BUCKAROO BANZAI
BUCKAROO BANZAI
AGAINST THE
WORLD CRIME LEAGUE
Closing credit sequence, where BUCKAROO BANZAI and the members of Team Banzai
march around a concrete aqueduct while the Buckaroo Banzai theme plays.
-FIN-
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